A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I have known that my husband was a cross-dresser since before we got married. When he first told me about it, he started making craigslist posts to meet up with others to experiment... He never told me about it but I found the posts... He still doesn't know that I know about these. Within a month, he told me he wasn't interested anymore and it sounded silly to him. Well back in January, he started cheating on me or at least trying to with people online. He was working out of town... Before I found out, he tried to say that he needed space and we needed to break up.I was about to leave, my bags were packed and everything, when he said that he couldn't live without me and he needed me to stay and to give him three months to work everything out. about a week later was when I found out about the cheating. That was when he told me that he was trying to distract himself and he swore it would never happen again. Then he tells me that his urge to cross dress is back. I was being as supportive as possible: I got books, read everything I could find online, and I even went with him to buy panties, a bra, and makeup. He ordered breast forms and a wig online and I was supportive. I even let him wear one of my dresses and did his make up for him. I have asked him multiple times about what he wants out of this and he just says to feel pretty. But now, I have found that he has a secret tumblr account where he posts pictures of him just in the panties asking other men to pull them down and show him a good time and he posts a lot of things that he swears to me he isn't into. Now he also has a craigslist post for a man with a large p**** to have him lay down and have him way with him. He made a second email for this secret life and everything.I feel like he just continues to lie to me. When I have asked if he has anything to tell me, he says that he feels like I don't trust him. With as much as I want to trust him, right now I can't with all of the lies.... I need some serious advice here... I can't talk to my friends and family about this.... Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so he's coming home on Tuesday (he works out of town) and I really want to confront him. How should I go about doing it? I have never had to do this before.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2014): Move on and divorce him before you sink further. Youll look back and think whew glad that is all behind me. You will find someone new, who doesn't need all those thrills. He isn't who you thought he was, time to cash out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can't deal with the cheating and the lies. They are killing me inside. But part of the problem is that we have a child. Technically, she is not mine. She is his from his first marriage, but I have raised her since she turned 3 and she's almost 6 now. I am the only bit of stability that she has had in her life, and if I leave, then what happens to her? I know that I am supposed to put myself first, but this is my kid. She calls me mommy and calls her bio mom by her name. And as much as he has hurt me, I do love him very much.....
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 November 2014):
 One thing is being supportive of his cross dressing, I get that, but WHY stick around with a guy who NOT so secretly cheats or want to cheat on you?
The cheating has NOTHING to do with the cross dressing.
Now you have given him an out in the past, but he chooses to stay because well, it IS nice to have a wife around, it's a nice facade and it's a heck of a lot "safer" then being a single guy who cross dresses.
I would have a problem with my husband cross dressing, I'll be honest, but NOT the end of the marriage, not a deal breaker. But it's an absolute deal breaker to be cheating.
He is making his cheating about YOUR lack of trust. Even though... HE created that mistrust. How nicely deflected BACK onto you. Next it will be YOUR fault that he is doing it.
Let's for a minute say he WASN'T a cross dresser. But did ALL the other things, such as trolling CL for MALE sex partners... would YOU want to stay married? If the answer is not, what difference does the cross dressing mean?
I don't think this is something that can be fixed. YOU husband is bi-curious (AT LEAST) and looking for MALE partners. And he does it BEHIND your back. Now he could be looking for FEMALES too and it would STILL not be something you can fix. Because he somehow feels it's OK for him to do this.
Instead of treating him like a kid, (asking him if he has something to confess) PRINT out his adds and what you have and lay it out for him. But before you do that, DECIDE if you want to try to make it work or if this is the last straw. If you decide to divorce him, I'd still print it out and file for divorce with alienation of affections. (it can make the divorce proceedings go faster).
Make this YOUR choice. Either choose to STAY with him and DEAL head on with the cheating or WALK away.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 November 2014):
 From the "sound" of it... I'd guess that the problem before you is less one of "crossdressing".. and more one of a man who has intense.... and unorthodox .... sexual cravings.......
I'll assume that you and he are going to continue talking.... and, maybe, will do so in the presence of a counselor. It's incumbent on you and Mr (especially, him) to understand this part of "who he is"... and learn/ decide just where that fits in, if you and he are to continue living life together....
What a man is wearing is less important than WHAT he is doing... and WHO he is doing it with. Once you and he learn more about that, I'm confident that YOU will know just how to proceed in to your (both) future(s)....
Good luck.....
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female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (15 November 2014):
Chigirl gives excellent advice. This isn't really about the cross-dressing - it's about a guy who is persistantly unfaithful to his wife by scouring the internet for sex partners.
You can't trust him - he's consistently demonstrated that is not to be trusted by continuing to cheat.
If you need support from your family and friends, you don't HAVE to tell them about the cross-dressing - just that you discovered he was being unfaithful because that's the crux of the matter. The cross-dressing is incidental
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 November 2014):
 I think a good place to start is to treat this for what it is. Regardless of cross dressing, regardless of homosexuality (yes, he is either homosexual or at least bisexual), what primarily is a problem here is the lies and cheating. Going online to find a sexual partner is classed as cheating by most people, whether or not any touching took place in real life. It was encouraged by others, and he actively went searching for it. So it is cheating, he lied about it, and went behind your back.
What would you do, how would you treat it, if he was not a cross dresser, but had simply gone online, posting pictures of himself and encouraging women to pull down his panties? What of what he was asking for was not a penis, but a vagina and a woman to come and have her way with him?
Perhaps this is how you need to see it in order to isolate the cheating from everything else. You supported him in his cross dressing, so isolate that. The cross dressing is not the problem. The cheating and lying is the problem.
Next, once you have made up your mind about where you stand on the cheating issue, you can address the fact that your husband is either homosexual or at least bisexual. Bisexual, it would not necessarily mean a problem to your relationship. Homosexual means your marriage is a dead end. But the cheating alone might be enough for you to leave him.
He cheated before. Promised it wouldn't happen again. Then cheated again and is currently lying about it. You know now that he will continue to do this. This is who he is. It's nothing you did or said, he chose to do this out of his own free will. You did not push him to anything. Those times he wanted out, and end the marriage, my guess is those times he wanted to be with someone else, and wanted to end things because of his guilt telling him he shouldn't cheat on you. It was fairer to you to end things. But he is selfish, so he wanted you around while he continued to cheat. Cheaters are essentially selfish by nature, they care primarily about their own urges and pleasure, regardless of the pain they cause others.
This is something you must face and deal with. Leave out the cross dressing, make-up etc. That's got little or nothing to do with his cheating. People can be cross-dressers and NOT cheat, they are not two sides of the same coin. So leave that part out for now. Focus on the cheating, and make up your mind about whether or not this is something you want to accept in a marriage. If the answer is no: then you need to divorce, because you know he will just lie to you when confronted, and he will lie to you and tell you he will stop it, and then in reality he will just continue. So it's about whether or not you accept it, really. The cheating will always be there, you can not change that. But you CAN change your life by deciding whether or not you should stay married to him. Let that be YOUR decision, and not his.
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