A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing my boyfriend unofficially for over a year. Our official 1 year anniversary is coming up on July 6th. I'm very happy with him. He is very affectionate, treats me very well, spends lots of time with me and is just all around a good-hearted, sweet guy. We are in college however and money is tight. Not only is our anniversary this month, but my 21st birthday is coming up on July 12th. THese are two big events that are very important to me. I have been looking forward to them for a long time and he is well aware. I want them to be very special, but he doesn't have a job. We have been out of school since early May and I found a very well paying job early on and have been working 9-5 most of the summer. He has applied to a few places (like 3 or 4), gone to a few interviews, but when he didn't hear back it seems he kind of gave up. I have been supporting us for the most part (not paying bills or anything, his parents pay those for him) but as far as us going out to eat, i pay. It bothered me at first and i talked to him about getting a job, but he feels like im attacking him and always replies that he has been trying to get a job. HE always gets angry and says, "You think I just don't want a job?" I pretty much just accepted it that I am the one with money right now so it's fine for me to pay for food and such. However, I don't agree that he has really tried. When it was bothering me at first, I would suggest places to him that I knew were hiring, trying my best not to sound nagging, I tried to say it as supportive as possible but I'm sure he took it as nagging. Of course, they aren't luxurious jobs but they would pay above minimum wage (IHOP waiter, office assistant, etc). I must have suggested 3 or 4 jobs, but he just never applied, giving me one excuse or another. He used to work at the movie theater, and he told me he could easily get a job back there, but anytime I urge him to call them, he doesn't. I'm not a gold digger or just interested in a guy for money. That's not the type of girl I am. I am only concerned that these special times be made special. We've never celebrated any monthly anniversaries because those weren't important to me really. I told him a long time ago how important a 1 year anniversary is to me and that Iwould like to do something special. Maybe go on a small romantic trip up to Niagra Falls or something. Ovbiously without him having a job, he can't take me anywhere like that, or even out to a nice dinner. Then what about my birthday? 21st birthday is a big one and after over a year together, it would be nice to get a meaningful gift. I just feel unimportant to him, like I'm not worth him getting a job to do somethign nice for me. Does that even make sense? Also, his birthday is the 31st of July and I already have plans to get him something nice, but I don't want to "outshine" his gift because I'll have money to get him something cool whereas he won't. This is getting long so I hope someone understands and can give me some advice on how to either talk to him about why he's not trying harder to get a job without sounds mean or what I should do about our upcoming events. I thought about just postponing our anniversary and my birthday celebration until he has some money and won't feel pressured. I just feel like he doesn't think I'm special enough anymore to do anything special for me. Like he's 'comfortable.' Last year, before we were even dating, he wanted to take me to Niagra Falls for a weekend, but I wasn't comfortable enough yet for an overnight trip. What happened to that?! Now if I would suggest something like that he would most likely say, "We'll see." and never bring it up again. HELP!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, no_issues +, writes (30 June 2008):
 College students have been enjoying amorous vacations on absolutely no money for a thousand years. Be happy that he didn't drunkenly beat your father with a cudgel and steal his silver before ravishing you in the barn. Compared to the way students acted a few centuries ago, your man is a model of propriety, taste, and diligence.
Also, no matter what you may have seen on TV, no man finds work for a woman. He finds work for himself. If this fellow can't do it for himself then he needs help from someone who can teach him how (hint: not you.)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (30 June 2008):
 The thing that bugs me about your situation is that you two are both still in college, right? So you need to earn some money to pay for things in school, like textbooks and food and clothes and all the incidental expenses college seems to bring (university to you in the UK). So in a sense, as you are paying for both of you all the time, you are subsidizing his lifestyle.... The money you're making right now should be going into the bank, not frittered away on non-essentials.
I think that you will be disappointed by him both for your one year anniversary and your birthday if you expect him to suddenly decide to get a job for you. He has to do that for his own self, and I guess that he's rather enjoying a relaxing, kick-back kind of summer. Your expectations are high, and you already realize that he's not going to come through in the way that you expect.
The question for you is this; can you figure out a way that he could celebrate both events without spending any money or a minimal amount? Surely he could spring for a romantic picnic at a nearby park? It would involve some preparation on his part, he'd have to get a blanket, borrow a picnic basket, convince his mother (or father, I shouldn't be sexist here) to help him make some food to bring along, buy a card and a flower or two... that should be do-able in his budget. Maybe you could downgrade the monetary outlay you're expecting from him and let him know how romantic you would find something like that.
Your birthday. Hmmm. Well, rather than risk a repeat romantic picnic, maybe he could take you to a free concert in the park (don't know if they do that where you live) or some free festival that might be happening nearby. The thing is that you need to let him know that you just want the occasions marked in a special way, and that it doesn't have to be hugely expensive.
I understand your frustration with his seeming lack of motivation. If it's bugging you enough, I would simply stop spending so much of your hard-earned cash on the two of you. I'd cut way back and switch to a little or no-money required entertainment schedule. He's really in no position to complain about it, but if he does, say that you sat down with your college financial advisor (that would be a little white lie, but not so far off the truth) and that you need to have every dollar you can save this summer to help you get through your senior year at college (I'm just guessing here) and give you enough of a buffer for you to look for the job you really want after graduation rather than settle for something you don't want because you're financially strapped. Tell him that the advisor gave you a very strict budget to follow.
So you really have to decide if you can live with less with him, because I really don't think he is going to change overnight for you, and get a job to fund things. You need to shift your thinking if you're serious about staying with him to how you can have fun without spending much money. There was a book out a couple of years ago where a family decided not to spend any money on entertainment or the non-necessities for one year. Frankly, it was a lot of work, but they found that there was a lot out there that they just hadn't noticed before. The difficult thing is when your friends expect you to join them at a restaurant or a club or some event where you need to spend some cash.
If you two are invited out by other people, I would also stop paying for him; he can ask his parents for the cash or he can make it for himself. There's no reason you have to fund these events for him, I think. If he can't pay for himself on these occasions, then he can regretfully decline the invitation. You could tell him before hand that you HAVE to save the money as your financial advisor told you to, and that you're now on a tight budget. Then he has to either ask his parents for money or get himself a job.
So I hear your frustration, but I really don't think that he's going to change this summer for you. He's going to have to be financially pressured enough to realize that he has to do something about it. You just have to remove yourself from his mental equation in terms of the cash outlay. Stick to your guns on this one....
Hope this helps.
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