A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK I am in a 4 year relationship, we have been abusive to eachother verbally and physically. It has stopped but he is verbally abusive calling me so many names. well we fight all the time but when we dont fight its like were so in love. well anyways. I saw this guy at a store I always go to. he is the younger brother of the guy that works there. and the guys I saw works there as well. anyways. I like him. I cant stop thinking about him. not sexually just think hes so sweet and cute. My man knows about this but not that i think about him just that I like him. Why am I liking this guy now that I am in a 4 year relationship. I have thought other guys were cute but never got butterflys in my stomach thinking about him. now I know he likes me too it makes it even worse. is this normal? am i wrong? why do i like him. and also i dont know if i want to be with my man. and i dont know if its because of this guy or am i just tired of being in this relationship. please help me. desperate:-( Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Zim  +, writes (3 September 2007):
 It sounds to me that you are in an unhealthy abusive relationship. You used to physically and verbally abusive to each other and now you are just verbally abusive. Are these verbal comments taken in jest or do they make you feel bad/dishearten you? If so, have you spoken to your boyfriend about it? I haven't been in an abusive relationship, but I would recommend that you get out of this relationship if these issues cannot be resolved. If they can, well fantastic. You will notice that these feelings for this man at the store will reduce.
However, if these things cannot be resolved, then it is likely that these feelings for the man at the store revolve around you wanting an escape. In this man you see a new relationship untainted by argument or problems. That is attractive to you because you are tired of having to argue all the time. It isn't healthy arguing constantly and can be destructive in a relationship.
There are two solutions, one of which I have mentioned already:
1) Talk to your bf about these arguments and name calling. Tell him how much they hurt you and how they are affecting your relationship. A relationship is after all between TWO people. Take him to a nice spot, a place you both enjoy and like. Or take him to a nice restaurant, cafe' and then bring up the subject. It's important not to be provoked into flaming your anger. Use a low but friendly tone of voice and explain your feelings. Don't talk about the guy in the store, it won't help the situation. If your bf starts becoming agitated, don't react, just speak in the same way. Soon he will calm down. Hopefully this will give you both a chance to find out what to do and if necessary make changes.
2) If it doesn't work or you feel unhappy in this current relationship with your bf, then it is time to end it. Everyone deserves a relationship that they are happy in. Its possible that this guy was your first boyfriend that worked out and you don't want to leave the security of that position. If you do break up with your boyfriend, give a few weeks of downtime to get to know your feelings as well. If you still like this new guy or feel that you made a mistake breaking up then you know what to do.
I hope this advice helps you and good luck.
ZIM
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