A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 6 months is very affectionate with me i.e holding my hand, kissing, etc, but at the same time I am confused. I know that relationships settle down after a while, but we haven't yet had sex. This is in part because my ex-boyfriend lied to me about wanting a serious relationship and as soon as we had sex he dumped me. I was heartbroken and don't feel I could cope with a repeat of it, so I have been holding off having sex with my boyfriend. I really need to build u p trust first. My boyfriend has mentioned sex a few times but has never pressured me into it. We discussed me going on the Pill which I have since done, but I don't feel ready to have sex with him. I have given him oral sex alot, (which I enjoy v much, and he definitely enjoys v much!!!). He has never given or offered to give me oral (I'm not sure why; it doesn't really bother me too much to be honest but am just curious as to why) but he does masturbate me which I enjoy immensely. These last few times, he has seemed reluctant to touch me at all. He still wants me to given him oral sex which I am more than happy to do, but I am starting to feel undesirable. He just seems to be indifferent to everything. Could he be depressed? I am dying for him to whisper sweet nothings in my ear and touch me. My mistrusting side says could he be having an affair, although there is nothing else to suggest this? I keep thinking to myself that surely there is only so long a man will wait for sex, before he looks elsewhere? Or am I giving him mixed messages too, without realising? I am just really confused and am not really clear what I am getting at even while writing this.
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affair, depressed, heartbroken, kissing, mixed messages, my ex, oral sex, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Let's face it, you're already having sex! Oral sex is about as intimate as it gets. He must be a very patient understanding man, and I'm guessing the reason he hasn't given you oral is because you don't want his dick there, and is assuming therefore that you don't want his tongue there either.
Have you told him you'd like him to go down on you? If not, try it. In most cases, if you don't ask, you don't get. As for being afraid he might be off on his heels as soon as the deed is done - I doubt it very much. He's just respecting your wishes, that's all.
Communication is probably what you're lacking.
Phil
A
female
reader, Confusedinthecity84  +, writes (15 December 2007):
 The fact that you're willing to be intimate with him in other ways, yet still won't have intercourse might be sending mixed signals. You like those "sweet nothings" and you like feeling close. I completely understand how you feel: it's scary thinking that, once you are totally intimate with someone, that person can lose interest in you. Nevertheless, if you're doing "everything but," it can get frustrating for him (and maybe for both of you). That being said, if he loves you, he will work with you until you feel comfortable enough to have sex with him. Really, though, it seems to me that you need to work things out outside the bedroom. Do the two of you feel the same way about the things that are important? What are your life and relationship goals? Do you see yourself committed to him for a long period of time (and vice versa)? What do you ultimately want out of the relationship with him? Try to understand each other outside of the physical aspect of the relationship.So, my advice to you is to try to back off the physical side of the relationship and to work on establishing a mental and emotional connection. If you feel that he's pressuring you for sex, examine your relationship and see if it's healthy or not. Love and relationships aren't just about fulfilling physical needs, although that is a nice bonus. Romance each other for a while and build up that "spark" that perhaps initially attracted you to one another in the first place. That's the stuff that will keep you together--and keep you both coming back for more.I wish you the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Most people will tell you that if he cares then he will wait as long as you need him too - and lets face it he has done well so far.
I think that if you are not ready then don't do it, approach him about the oral - on your part and see what he has to say. I believe that there is only so long any man will hang around with no sex in the relationship, but even then they are known to be there for years before they finally give in and get it elsewhere. Explain that you want to but need a little longer and if something is on his mind, tell him he can talk to you. x
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (15 December 2007):
 It seems like the biggest thing you are lackikng is communication.You want your boyfriend to do certain things (and I don't think it's fair you go down on him, but he doesn't return the favour), and he seems to want you to do certain things. If he seems off, he probably doesn't know how to say how or what he feels.Pick a time to have a chat with him, don't make it too serious, perhaps have a relaxing evening with a glass of wine, and bring up any issues you might have, or feel he should know.
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