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female
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anonymous
writes: I have been married for 15 years, but have been having an on / off affair with a male friend for 18 years. He and I are very close friends and my husband knows him. I have tried to stop doing this many times - but always end up back in bed with him. He is a musician and an odd kind of guy and has never had any successful relationships. Recently he insisted on having a discussion about what we have been doing. He said that I put up walls and treat everything like a game - but that if there were two people in the world that ought to be able to be honest with each other we should be. He said that we only have one life and we are already a way through that. He said that I am the only woman he feels comfortable sleeping with and sex with anyone else was pointless. He also said that he did not feel guilty about my husband because as far as he was concerned he came along and married me when he and I were already seeing each other. I said that I had always tried to keep things between us light as anything heavy could end the friendship; he said the friendship was more at risk of ending because I do this. I am confused about my friend's intentions and what I should do.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):
Look, it should be obvious that we cant know everything about your situation, so if advice ring false to you after mulling it over, fine.
But just because you dont want to hear it, dont immediatly reject it out of hand.
I think it is convienent for you that your husband has had affairs. It has given you permission to do a lot.
You'll have to assess how it came to be that your husband " is not interested in me sexually ".
As far as what to do about the boyfriend? Cut him loose, and give him a chance at his own family.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): well you didn't say that your husband had a # of affairs too. in this case, you 3 deserve each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): I posted my problem here because I was trying to get some perspective - I did not expect to be lampooned. I have been living with this burden for years and have never had anyone to talk to about it. What I did not say in my original post is that I love both my friend and my husband. My friend and I were very young when we met and things became very confused. I met my husband and married him thinking that I could put all that behind me - but it was not the case. My husband and I are close friends and he loves me, but he is not interested in me sexually and had a number of affairs a few years ago. He wants to be with me though. I have never been able to work out my friend's intentions or if he wanted more than sex and so I have always tried to keep things light. It is true that I may have appeared to be playing a game as I thought he would prefer me to take this approach. The conversation we had indicated his feelings may be deeper - but was ambiguous and I am confused. I am trying to work this all out so that I can make some sort of decision and do the best thing for everyone. I probably shouldn't have let so many years go by without trying to resolve this somehow but I have been terminally confused and terrified of hurting anyone.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): Aside from my posting I have to admit a man's perspective from the male anon below who said "He is right- it is a game for you" is right on the money, with his assessment. I went hard on your lover, so it's good to hear another point of view and a good one. at that. But I still maintain my stand. Both of you are also a 100% responsible and culpable for your role in this travesty, you both have committed against your marriage and your husband. This is so sad. I truely hope you do the right thing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006):
He is right- it is a game for you.
You have picked out the one guy that you wouldnt be tempted to try to run off an have a real life with. The weirdo long hair musician, who cant do relationships is safe because he's just not husband material. You thought you were safe with him as your bit of excitment on the side and would never have to choose.
Let me clear up your "confusion about your friend's intentions". He is an actual person, not a toy. He want to have a wife, and a family and an life too. Right now you have him locked in this mode of being 25yo hottie forever.
With you around he can never have a sucessful relationship and doesnt have to drive go out and find the right woman and keep searching until he does. And with him around, you dont have to put enough effort into your husband to find excitment in your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): So. You have been faithful to your husband for exactly three years out of the fifteen you've been married to him. Where is your sense of loyalty to the man you married and swore to forsake all others (that means not indulging in sexual or emotional affairs)? Remember those vows, do you?
I wonder if your husband suspects what you are doing but keeps quiet anyway......the poor guy doesn't deserve this treatment from you! You are only thinking of your own selfish desires, and you lack any sense of integrity.
As for what your so-called "friend" wants, its obvious, isn't it? He wants to continue boinking you whenever he feels the urge, with no thought for your husband; keep his own "freedom" with no idea of commitment to you. Sheesh what an s.o.b. and you're not much better.
Wake up and smell the coffee, woman!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): Of course your lover has never had a successful relationship-he's had you at his beck and call for 18 years! An affair can be a very powerful obsession. The craving to be with a lover can be so intense that objective reality doesn't have much of a chance. This has happened to you. What surprises me, is the fact that you don't seem to care that your marriage can be sidelined and your husband and family may be permanently injured by your uncaring indulgences. All that matters, is your confused feelings and what your lover's intentions are?? Your way of thinking tells me, you are in this far tooo deep and you've lost perspective. Your lover is one lucky man isn't he? He's had a woman in his life for 18 years, whom he can continually boink behind her husband's back, without making any lifelong committment of love, honor and respect to her. And what about you? Where is your self-respect and value. Why have taken such a risk with your husband's life and happiness? Women who have affairs lack integrity and they are sad people who need constant reassurance of their attractiveness, their value. I think this is the way you gain that assurance—a way that does not destroy your marriage. Affairs are all about ego, about dishonesty and a lack of character that cuts so deep, that meaness and unthinking behaviours take over a person's persona. And now after all these years, your lover talks about honesty? Kinda late now after so many years of deception, isn't it? I guess...honesty and integrity become a huge concern with two people, when they have an affair. This other man has justified the affair, claiming he's known you longer than your husband..so he feels rather entitled to continually boink you, guiltfree. And you have allowed it. What does that tell you about him? Think, girl. He said the friendship was at risk of ending, because you keep things 'light' and don't take this seriously? Well, you pledged and oath of marriage and a heartfelt allegiance, the day you married your husband. Did you see this other man 'step up to the plate' and ask you to marry him. He had the opportunity when you married your husband 15 years ago. This man has NO entitlement to you. He has NO right to ever ask for more from you. He's had his cake for 18 years and he's eaten it, too. And all he wants to give you is crumbs. My suggestion, use your head here and stop this affair and renew your love for your husband and family. That will probably be the most self-respectful, honest thing you can do for yourself, hun. The only way to overcome this, is to dumpe the lover. Tell your lover, it's done and walk away. Give your marriage a chance at being just that, a marriage where both people can appreciate each other and swear total fidelity and committment to each other. Good luck, dear.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2006): what about your husband. when men cheat they are pieces of garbage. when women cheat, it's because they "couldn't help it" you are a very self absorbed person. you don't deserve any help. the only person i feel sorry for is your husband.
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