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male
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*arlcazz
writes: I never wanted kids, but then my partner fell pregnant on purpose. We got married and it took me 5 years of cheating and being an idiot to come to my senses. I changed my likes my visions and after nearly getting divorced begged her to allow me back. I promised her that my unfiathfullness will never happen again. She never admitted that she fell pregnant on purpose. We moved away and life was good for 4 years. Well I got reminded about my past every 2 weeks but I knew I had to be patient. Then one night after a fight I told her of one last person I slept with 4 years ago. All hell broke loose but she gave the relationship anothr chance. She also then admitted that she fell pregnant on purpose. Stupidly I then carried on a conversation with another female friend from the past. someone I have never had sex with and was an old friend. I have not heard from her for more than 10 years and she made contact with me 2 moths ago. I did ask for permission in the beginning and she allowed it but then one day she stopped it. Unfotunately this night I decided to carry on the friendship with this woman. My wife found out that we were communicating and now we are back to square one. It is as if nothing have changed. I have been faithfull now for 5 years but she sees the conversation with this old friend as being unfaithfull. Thus I have to start all over again. Listening to what a bad person I am and all my flaws. I can not anymore and I have two kids. It is so bad that I want to die. I have had 9 years of misery and the future is black. Please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2006): Glad to hear things are getting better. If you guys can get through this, your marriage will feel even stronger and better. Good luck!
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reader, harlcazz +, writes (4 May 2006):
harlcazz is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. Funny how talking heals. Well all is ok again. I have stopped communicating with my friend a month ago it is just that I keep on being reminded about the past by my wife. It grinds a person and breaks my self- esteem down. But we had have had another chat last night and I am going to share this letter and replies to her, and thank you all for the replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2006): I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Your wife must obviously love you to still be with you, and you must love her to stick with it.
However, for you guys to move on from this she needs to deal with the past and forgive you. You need to reassure her that you only have eyes for her, but at the same time she needs to reassure you that she has forgiven you.
This is a two way process that needs to happen for there to be trust in a relationship. You guys can get through this, she can trust you again, and you can stop feeling bad for what's happened but you need to both work at this.
You really need to reassure her about this friend. You need to explain about the mistakes in the past, and you need to give her a lot of reassurance about how you view her. You need to tell her how you feel about her, that she is the only one you're interested in and that you don't even look at other women sexually (even if that's not true - still say it).
Have you thought about seeing a councellor? Tell her that you are dedicated to having a happy marrage and being a good father and that you will do any thing to achieve this.
I don't think you are back to step one. You just need to catch this in the bud before it esculates. She probably thinks you are interested in this other women and she probably feels completely worthless because of it. Talk, talk, talk. Be honest and show her how much she means to you. You can get through this, I am sure. Good luck harlcazz .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2006): Dear harlcazz,
I can imagine what both of you are going through, because i was in both situations. At this stage, it has to come from you. You have to prove to her that she's the only one. With regards to your friend, i think you should keep her on low grounds, your marriage is definately more important than her. I'm sure if you tell her, she will understand if, after all she's a good friend. After being betrayed, it's obvious that your wife is going to find it difficult to forget what happened and every small friendly relationship with other women are going to seem as a threat to her. I'm sure she trusts you anyway, but she is afraid of loosing you again. Just take it easy with her. Take care.
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