A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I need some guidance. How do you begin to get over someone? I've been doing all that I can to keep busy. I've been taking care of our child. Our child's care is certainly first priority. It's been almost a year, so I've had time to heal. I tried dating, but I can't bring myself to really open up enough to anyone else before they think I'm totally uninterested or don't like them enough. I have terrible trust issues. I spend time with family and friends. I've grown closer to them because of it. Everything in my life is great, but I still miss him so much. He's already moved on and has been in a relationship for months. Most of the time, I'm able to go about my days without it affecting me, but it comes on suddenly: the longing, the loneliness...I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing. I guess, I'm fine being alone but if I could get just one more chance with him, I'd do anything. I'd fight for it, something I should've done in the first place.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2015): If you have a child between you, it's more difficult to move on. If you were a childless couple who broke-up, there would be no reason for him to come around. His constant presence in your life keeps your feelings in limbo. Even if he doesn't come to see the child at all, you still have to consider filing for child-support. The child's welfare and needs come first. He has responsibility. However; no longer to you. You're very young, you can't waste that time pining over him anymore. My dear girl, you deserve so much better than that. You know it.
You're the mother of his child, that makes things more complicated. You can't just drop a guy who fathered your child. You're reminded every-time you look at that precious little soul. None of this is the child's fault. So the child deserves a happy carefree environment. It's not just about you or him anymore.
You're also stubborn. You may have subconsciously got pregnant on purpose; hoping that would be an unbreakable link between your ex and yourself. That tactic makes no difference, if the other person doesn't reciprocate your feelings and wants out.
He moved on because he had no intentions of being a father. Before you tell me it was all his idea; you knew before you did it, your relationship was in trouble. So that's a lame excuse. It was a risk you took to have a child with no promise of marriage in the immediate future.
To add insult to injury, you were holding-out hope against hope you'd convince him to comeback. The child may be his only reason to have anything to do with you. He has moved on and started a new relationship. That kills all hope, and any possibility there is anything you can do to get him back. So when your subconscious-mind absorbs the truth, the ruminating and painful emotions will subside.
You still have a part of him. You can love that child ten times as much. It's at least the gift he left behind, that really means anything. You're denying yourself love, because you're punishing yourself. You're angry that he rejected you and already found someone else; so now you've sentenced yourself to loneliness and eternal sorrow. Your stubborn-mind refuses to accept the reality that this man does not want you in his life. Well, your happiness is in your own hands. You've put your life indefinitely on hold!
You can begin appreciating your youth, and freedom to find someone better; or stay stuck where you are. You are delaying your healing; because you refuse to give him up. You're so jealous and resentful that he could move on and find someone else; you are literally obsessing over this guy, who doesn't reciprocate your love. You've shutdown.
The right man hasn't come along. So stop looking for a replacement and just go about your life. You will not find his clone or twin. You will not find anyone to make you feel the same as he did. You are denying yourself the opportunity to find someone better for you, and your child.
Continue dating. Stop trying to force yourself to love someone. Just love yourself and the bundle of joy you have.
Your freedom of mind and peace comes when you finally accept things. Right now, you're bargaining. You may think if you look pitiful and lonely enough, he'll feel guilty. If he hasn't by now, my dear, he never will.
The good news is, you will reach the point you can forgive and forget. For some, it takes a little longer. Your circumstances work against you for the fact you had his child. So all you've got in your favor is determination.
Get a few sessions of therapy. Just to clear your head and deal with your grief and loss. Counseling might help if you had someone you could talk to and find out what part of you is not allowing you to heal and move forward. Sometimes there are things buried inside us that we have never come to terms with; and when something happens similar, the emotions are that much more amplified. You are only alone, because you want to be.
It's like you're locked in a jail cell, holding the key.
Counseling will not make the pain go away, it will help you to deal with it. Time will make the pain go away. You also have to be determined to make that happen. Your child deserves to see happiness in your eyes. If the child is your first priority, that in itself will redirect your focus. That focus being on survival. You need to survive, because there is someone counting on you. You deserve happiness, and it's not going to come from him. He isn't all there is.
I don't mean to seem insensitive to your pain. I got dumped almost two years ago, and it hit me very hard. I didn't see it coming, so I never had the benefit of being prepared. I fought my way back. You see, I fell for someone for the first time after being single for over five years. Before that, I was in a 28 year relationship that ended with my partner's untimely death. I closed down until someone came along. That lasted only 10 months. It was wonderful. I've turned a negative into a positive. I help the broken-hearted. I feel your pain, so I'm taking the time to say all this, because I know it gets better.
Even when you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's there. Just focus on it, and decide you've hurt enough. It was another year before I met someone else; and it's better. Much better. That's what you've got to look forward to. Even if it takes another year to get-over him.
Hold your baby in your arms, and absorb that part of him; because that's the part you're blessed to keep. The greatest reward is, your baby will love you back! Big time!
Well, until he/she is a teenager!
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (15 January 2015):
Dear OP,
I believe you haven't moved on yet, because you don't really accept it's over. You keep telling yourself "if only..". If only you had fought more. If only you could get him back. If only you got a second chance with him. If only he broke up with his new girl friend and came back to you and your child.
That way, you keep mentally postponing the grieving process. You make up fictional scenarios where you can get back together, or where things could have turned out differently. But it's time to face the reality.
Look, he's definitely moved on. He found someone new and he won't come back anymore, after living without you for almost a year. He's at a totally different point in life now. Not even your child was enough reason for him to stay. Stop the foolish hope. Give up. It's too late for you to do anything about it! Acceptance is the first step.
Then it's time to start forgiving yourself for the things you didn't do. At the time, I'm sure you gave your best and you loved him, and if that wasn't enough to keep the relationship going, well so be it. You live and learn, and with the next guy, you'll know a few more things you can add to the quality of a relationship.
Also, before you make room for someone new inside your heart, make a more realistic inventory of your memories. List the good AND the bad ones. For instance, is he really such a great and loving person if he was able to leave you and his child - and find someone new so quickly? Is he really the man you want and need to be with? Be a bit more critical towards him. It doesn't mean you have to have a bad opinion about him.. he's the father of your child, so of course there must be something about him that you deeply love. But he's not a perfect person. And there's more men on this earth than him and the guys you met last year.
Focus on the positive things in life, on everything you have. I know how bad a break up hurts, and how painful it is to stay alone and feeling stuck, while the world keeps turning. But you can only move FORWARD not backwards.
Wish you all the best.
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