A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this guy for three months now, he is awesome and adorable, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. We are happy in this new relationship of ours. The problem is that he is not working (unemployed) he resigned from his job to persue his masters degree which he was running the risk of losing it if he was still working. Nonetheless other personal issues forced him to quit his job. He is a very responsible guy, he still rents his own place, and he could afford paying rent for himself. When I met him he was still 3 months without a job, so he was still using his savings and his other savings,,, now he is six months without a job and he is not just sitting, he is putting effort to get it but still there is no luck. He will be graduating his masters degree in december. my fear is that he will stay without a job for longer and i am silently losing patience. He is great and he is also independant, but he does not have money to sustain himself any longer, all he wants is a job. I am scared that he might end up being my responsibility. I dont know if its a good idea to support a guy. I need your assistance on whether a girl my age can date a guy who is not working and have a succesful relationship. How can I trust if this guy is really genuine or using me....When we first dated he would take me out and pay out of his pocket, he really appears independant, if he borrows money from me he gives it back immediately. He has other things which I really appreciate about him, like he bought an apartment and rented it out, so he now lives in a bachelor flat. please help me to know if this a normal situation and whether a guy like this is worth dateable. im terrified of the worst or shall i rather ask when is a jobless guy dateable and what to avoid and what is the best formula for this kind of a situation. Im scared that I am falling in love with him daily.He does show a bit of insecurity as well,but i have dealt with it calmly so far and we are fine....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2007): He does sound as though he has plans figured out and is making an effort to find employment.
I can understand what you are dealing with since I am dating (for several months now) a man who lost his job and is living in a homeless shelter - however, although he is still looking for work, he is eligible in terms of age, to qualify for a pension and has applied for housing, so there is that difference to your situation.
He too is independent, and a man of integrity, easy-going and caring, and has NEVER asked me for money. He has not, and does not, expect me to support him. I would not do so in any case. Except emotionally.
I personally don't think it would be a good idea for you to support your friend financially either. Us grown-ups have to be responsible for ourselves.
One word of caution: if you DO give him any cash, give it as a GIFT, NOT as a loan. Provided giving him money will not leave YOU short, that is.
The reason I'm recommending this is because when a person - another woman friend, or a relative, for instance, is hard up, a loan becomes an obligation they must pay back at some point. If they are already short of funds, its going to be difficult to return the loan, and there's the risk that you and they will end up feeling frustrated and resentful.
But it does strike me that you have a decent, honorable man there. So, if you like him, continue the relationship and see how it goes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): I earned my master's last year and I'm still unemployed. I don't live in the USA where it's much easier to fin a job. My ex fiancé changed with me due to my long unemployment and I had to dump him. It really sucks when the other person thinks that they are a better person or much more worthy because they have the blessing of a job. I think he is preparing himself to be better. And someday he may even earn more money than you. I think you are just giving in to the pressures of society just because he is a man. It looks like everything is on your head. Studies are first no matter what age you are. And you have to make efforts to study. He is making efforts to pursue his vision and there you are not supporting him. I'd be delighted if my partner wanted to study to become a better professional. If you really love him you'd support him, not doubt him. You've been together for six months. You should know by now if you should trust him or not.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2007): It sounds like your man actually has things pretty figured out. I doubt he wants to stay unemployed forever. If he wanted to do that what would be the point of him getting his Master's Degree? If he's not leaning on you already it's not likely that he will. He wants to be independent, not supported by his girlfriend. It sounds like he wouldn't want to ask you for help even if he needed it. Maybe you should just sit down with him and discuss it with him. Find out what his plans are and what he plans to do for money in the future. If he really doesn't have any plans and is just "playing it by ear," then that's a little reason to worry. If he quit his job for no real reason and has no plans to get a new job by a certain time, then I'd be frustrated. However, if he has a plan, like a place to work, or a certain deadline to have a job by, then he has his priorities in line, and I wouldn't be concerned. He's figuring things out for himself right now, and it doesn't sound like he's using you at all. I would still talk to him just to be sure, but make sure you aren't pointing fingers, just asking questions. I hope I have been of some help to you. Good luck and take care!
-RJGirl
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