A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:hello allI have been dating for the last 6 months a man, 56 year old (I am 32 years), never been married, who works in the finance sector, which means non stop travelling and intense work pressureHe's an old school guy, not very demonstrative, very private, but he came out of his way several times to help me out, i m the only person he sees and i feel he likes me, though he still holds me at arms lengthhe totally resents the idea of even losing the slightest control over his life. i admire and respect him very much for his character and achievements (even if they re not very relationship-friendly) so I let him suit himself and gave him the rein in our relationship to see where it was going and I've never complained about his work and his absences, if it s the way he s himself and happy, i want him to do it, it s the core center of his lifeit was working well till external circumstances put some strain on it : we ve only seen each other once in the last 3 months. he was supposed to come back after 6 weeks in early september but, with the current market crisis brewing, he had to leave again immediatelyduring this last absence came my birthday, and though he knew and had hinted it at me before he had something planned, on this day, i didn t receive any message from him as well as for the next 10 days, while the crisis was unfolding, which is tearing apart the world he s been living and to which he gave most of his life he told me before the crisis he seriously thought about stepping out, he had enough of being at the frontline at his age, though he s very scared of staying idle. he told me "to stick around", as he says "i would like to have somebody to push my wheelchair", which i translated as "i ve lived to fight all my life, but now, i have to do something else and i m afraid to finish alone"but since the crisis, i don t know what his mid term plans are for nowon my side, his silence for my birthday hurt me for the first time, but when i realized the gravity of the situation, i was just worried he s back on wednesday for a couple of days. the only thing i want is to have a good time with him, help him relax, relax myself he must be physically and nervously exhausted, i m pretty much exhausted myself though, after 6 months, i m tired of waiting in the dark i care for the guy, i know he s not the easy type, he s the loner, strong and secretive and very domineering, though pretty shy on a personal level, but i know he s not a fraud and that, to a certain extent and despite the fact he s very self-centered, he can put himself in my shoes and understand my situation, he s been responsible and honest with meis there a real future for us after this crisis? he gave me hints, but no declaration. i just would like to know things are a bit settled between us, to know i m waiting for my man, my boyfriend, whatever, and not just for a good datei m pretty sure he ll apologize for his silence for my birthday and will give me a present, and i m pretty sure it will be a piece of jewellery (he s a very classical guy)i decided i wouldn t take it, i don t want to wear jewellery and say, when people ask me where i got it from, "a friend gave it to me", i d look like a prostitute showing off her bonusbut, is it the right moment to press on these issues ? do i have the right to ? i care for the guy a great deal, but am i in too much of a hurry ? am i only following my own agenda ? better to wait a bit longer to reap the benefits (wait for the financial storm to be over and him more relaxed) ? stop wasting my life daydreaming ? is there a way to bring the topic softly ? how to do it ? i want to be of good company on wednesday and not burden him more, but i m thinking about it every day and i need some peace and acceptance from him, i m just a human and it really does look like i m in love and want to love him, for real
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 October 2008):
 "i would like to have somebody to push my wheelchair", which i translated as "i ve lived to fight all my life, but now, i have to do something else and i m afraid to finish alone"
Okay, lets ask you a question. WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF YOUR LIFE. YOUR LIFE, not his.
He is nearly twice your age. Men die sooner already so he is looking at the last 1-2 decades of his life. You can easily last another 3-4 even 5 decades. If you stick with him by the time you are his age now, he will most likely already been dead for 10 years. Do you really want to be 40-50 and a widow?
Bit harsh? He wants somebody to push his weelchair, do you want to be a nurse or a wive? Your translation of what he says injects a hell of a lot more meaning then he is saying.
Frankly, though luck if after 56 years of life he doesn't want to die alone. Should have thought of that sooner. Do you REALLY want to be this guys comfort in his old age when it means that YOU will be alone in your old age?
He has been the same person for 56 years, and still he ain't really changing, just starting to feel the cold hand of death on his shoulder but still not exactly becoming a loving husband.
If you are comfortable spending the next 20 years taking care of someone who is going to age rapidly and after that be a widow, so be it.
Maybe you want to be more of a nurse then a wife, your choice, but if you want to hear that he is going to change if only you show him enough love. Not a chance. If half a century could get this guy to open up, you won't do it either.
My advice is to dump this guy, find someone closer to your own age who is not an emotional recluse.
A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (11 October 2008):
 I think you have the right to know because you are investing a great deal of your emotional energy into a man who appears to be a bit unemotionally available to you. He may be a bit stressed out with the current events of his work, but he disappears for such long stretches of time, this may be your only window. I'm sure you will approach the subject with tact and beauty. You seem intelligent and well spoken. But on a personal note, I do worry that you are facing a life with a man who will never give you the depth of love and demonstration most of us crave from our men. He has worked very hard to build walls around himself and I do not think you will ever tear them down. Still, if you must, you should follow your heart. I wish you the best.
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