A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been feeling very down, anxious, and slightly depressed with life recently and often feel like giving up. I am a mother to a very active two year old, I work part time at a hospital, and I am currently studying to become a midwife. The stress is next level and I don’t have the typical support around me to help with childcare (my mother and grandparents have passed away, I don’t have contact with my father, and my partners parents work full time). I feel like I’ve completely lost who I am. I don’t feel like myself anymore and haven’t since becoming a mother. I feel like being a mum is my main role in life and I’ve lost all motivation or enthusiasm for anything else I once used to enjoy. I used to love exercise, working out and going to the gym, it also helped massively with my mental health. I can’t really afford my membership anymore, nor do I have the time due to studying of an evening. I used to enjoy cooking and making home cooked food, now I struggle to find the energy and motivation to do this. I really miss the old me and I feel like I’m at my lowest. My partner isn’t as supportive as I need him to be. I understand he’s busy and also tired as he works full time so the financial pressure is intense but he doesn’t even acknowledge my feelings and when I try to open up he doesn’t know what to do/say so avoids it. Recently I have been doubting our relationship and whether or not we’re right for each other. We get on but the romance, intimacy, and love seems to have faded over the years. I’m not entirely sure what I’m asking, maybe just some advice and words of encouragement. I can’t see a way out of the fog and my mind is consumed with worry, anxiety, and fear of feeling like an imposter in my own body.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2022): Sounds like you need a break. Is there any way you could reduce your hours at work while your child is at daycare for a few hours a week to give you at least half a day a week to yourself to do the things you enjoy? Could your partner reduce his hours to take care of your daughter for a few hours a week? Or on the weekend could you get a babysitter once a fortnight to have a day out with your husband? Are there are exercise classes you could go to that are designed for people with young kids?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2022): What you're describing IS depression.
Now, there are different kinds of depression and one person could suffer from more than one.
You need to take care of yourself. I would see a therapist.
You are overworked and it sounds as if you carry more than your share of responsability in your couple.
So, you have REASONS to be depressed. Your situation is something that may cause depression. Ideally, if you solve those "situational problems", depression should be resolved. However, none of us have a magic wand. We must learn how to deal with the stress and obligations.
As someone who knows a thing or two about depression (as a sufferer and as a partner of a depressed person), I can honestly say depressed people are no fun to be around. At our worst we project, maybe not negative, but certanly draining energy for those around us. Men have problems dealing with this as they are not by their nature and role in society "caretakers".
So, you have certain EXPECTATIONS from your husband he cannot live up to. Now, imagine that he somehow manages to do so. Would it solve your problem? If the answer is YES, you need to know HOW. Do you expect him to say to have a break and become a stay at home mum? DO you expect him to start taking care of your kid so that you can advance your career? You need to know exactly what he can do to lighten your burden. Do you need him to acknowledge what kind of an effort you're making and not take it for granted? What does this mean to you on an everyday level?
If the answer is no, that you just want him to listen to you about "how you're feeling", well, then, keep in mind that there's a limit to that. Partners and friends are not our shrinks. They are not there to absorb our anxiety and stress.
There's always this third possibility that you have a selfish partner who's doing his thing (even if it's being a provider), because that is what he knows how to do and is comfortabe with, and ignores the priorities.
You are doing a great thing for yourself by fighting to be independant (your work at the hospital and your studies). Dependent people have a stronger tendency for becoming depressed.
Before talking to your husband, you need to KNOW what you need and I mean define what you expect from him (e.g. taking the kid to the kindergarten and preparing his lunch). This doesn't mean that you need to get all businesslike, but marriage IS business in one part. You need to able to define, talk about and share your chores and responsabilities! Pleasures as well. And oddly enough this last part is the most difficult one to talk about, because it cannot be faked. I mean of course it can, everything can be faked up to a point, but it's one thing to do the chores you don't like (like the dishes). Pretending to be interested in someone you're not, in having sex with them... now that's a whole different ballgame.
See a doctor, find a good therapist. This too shall pass!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): Oh, my dear, you are so young and have so much on your plate. Yours is the story told by so many women, and what breaks my heart is why isn't everyone listening??? I've witnessed what you've described with my own eyes. Yours is the most sincere and heartfelt post I've seen in a long time. I'm touched by your words.
You should talk to your doctor, in the event you're suffering a little postpartum depression, and exhaustion. You may be a little anemic, and have a vitamin-deficiency; so the doctor will probably run a few lab tests. You need a complete physical, and you have to get your regular checkups.
I can almost empathically sense your exhaustion; and I think more than anything you need some rest. You need some time to just sit, relax, and meditate. I'm known around here for offering unorthodox advice; because these days people mainly look for answers from science and technology. Well, science and medicine have a lot of answers; but some things are simpler and at no cost.
Growing-up as a child, were you ever taught to pray? Did you ever attend worship in a temple, synagogue, mosque, or church? Were you ever taught about a Creator, the One we know as God? There are many faiths, but I speak from only one, and that's from the Christian standpoint. God offers and promises to carry our burdens, give us rest, protection, and peace. All we have to do is ask. It's free, so what have you got to lose?
Just go into a quiet room, close the door, and pour out your heart to Him. He doesn't charge by the hour, you can tell Him anything and everything, and He won't blab a word to anybody. Tell Him your dreams and hopes, your fears, your sorrows, and thank Him for your sweet little bundle of joy.
I used to watch my mother, running the household, keeping track of the needs of all of us kids, keeping a beautiful home, she loved gardening, cooking, and she was a force to be reckoned with. My dad called her his rock, and his pillow. That's who you are sweetheart, a rock and a pillow. You are soft, and a gentle place to rest a head; but you struggle as best you can to do everything life demands of you. You need some rest, and reassurance; and I guarantee God knew all of this before you wrote a single word.
Then why doesn't He do something about it, you may ask? Maybe He likes us to ask Him to. He loves hearing from us, and He feels neglected when we don't bother to pray or give thanks. We treat Him like a servant or a genie, we only come to Him when things are terrible, or we need something; but He's so loving and happy to hear from us, He'll go out of His way to take care of our needs. He's the Creator and Master of the Universe, yet He is ready and able to help us lowly humans, if we ask Him to. We just think of Him when we want something. He's also a healer, a lawyer, a judge, a Mother, a Father, therapist, architect, artist, a soldier; and can multitask like nobody's business.
Your young husband is feeling the same things you feel, but has to pretend to be strong. He still has a responsibility to comfort you, listen to you, and understand your feelings. He's just young and inexperienced; and it takes time to develop the skills of being a good husband and father. Some guys have it built-in as an instinct, but others must learn it as they go; because they had no male role models to show them how. He is doing his best to provide for his family; but he can't be an island unto himself. You and your kid need him. Remind him why you married him, and what he promised you at the alter.
I will pray the good Lord will guide you to peace, He will give you the rest you deserve, that He will soften the heart of your husband; and that He will give your the strength you need to pursue your dreams, and to restore your hope and faith.
God bless you, guide you, protect you; and wrap you and your little family in His boundless love. If you don't believe in God, and think this is all nonsense, that's okay. I'll pray for you anyway; and He loves you all the same. He takes care of you, whether you believe in Him or not; because He has this weakness and profound love for humans. He sacrificed a Son to prove it.
God is a myth, and all silly make-believe to scoffers and unbelievers; but we're given that choice. To believe, or not believe. You just get a much better outcome if you do.
While the baby is sleeping, pour yourself a cup of tea, sit-down and have a chat with God. Give Him a cup of your tears, He will save them in a bottle. Tell Him I said hello, and put in a good word for me. I'll let Him know you'll be calling. If you believe.
This is strictly from me, it does not represent the beliefs or opinions of Dear Cupid.
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