A
male
age
41-50,
*rNobody
writes:i am 35 and my wife is 30 we have been married a year but together almost 6 years. we have sex maybe 1-2 times ever other month. before that about 1 year ago it was 1-3 times amonth, we have a son together and her 8 yr old daughter whom believes im her real father, she goes out on weekends coming home 2-3 am drunk while i sit at home with the kids. i now sleep on the couch because i dont feel comfortable in our bed together, i do love her but not in love any more. i have recently quit my job to get daughter ready for school an clean house picking up after her continuously after she gets home because she doesnt want to help, im not allowed to go out as she does as she buys new cloths each time she does while i have cloths from 3 years past still. i feel like i cant make it on my own any more thus lack of motivation thrive an confidence in myself, i am not happy and feel like a baby sitter, what should i do? theres alot more to it but its too much for anyone to want to read, i jus sat down an wrote 7 pages in a diary about it inwhich i hide from her.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 As you sit feeling sorry for yourself there are at least 5 million men that would trade plsces with you in a second, you get sex more than most married men and get to be with the kids more than most fathers. I think you might want to count your blessings instead of count the ways you coulda woulda shoulda. Good luck.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (7 October 2013):
 I think the way you're feeling is the way a lot of women feel at times; being stuck at home, constantly picking up after kid and feeling like a housekeeper and baby sitter. I know it would drive me crazy to feel that way. And then watching my significant other going out and getting drunk while I never get to go out? Hell no.
Have you never communicated how you're feeling to your wife? You say you've written in a diary about it, and kept it private because you don't want her to see. But you've GOT to attempt to communicate this with her. that's the only chance you have of anything changing. That and counseling, which has been mentioned.
Unless, of course, you don't want things to change and you are over the relationship. you said you love her but are not in love with her anymore. Does that mean that there's no reviving the love you once had, even if she decides to change? If you feel that is the case, it's time to salvage your sanity and get out of the relationship. And it will also help your kids in the long run. Take it from me - a person who grew up with parents who hated each other. Even as a kid, I remember wondering why they were together. I never saw them once hold hands, kiss, hug, or even sleep in the same bed. when kids grow up, that's their model for what relationships are like. That's what happened to me. I had very turbulent relationships my whole life until I could figure out my own path and healthy way of being in a relationship.
One last comment. You said your 8 year old doesn't know you're not her father? Is there any reason in particular you've chosen not to tell her? Is her real father a murderer or sex offender in prison? Is she the product of a one night stand or worse, rape? Or is he someone who is just an overall horrible person? In which case shielding her from that knowledge I could absolutely see. Or are you planning on waiting til a certain age to tell her? If you plan to let her believe you are the father forever, she's going to most likely eventually figure it out or it will start asking questions. Or one of you or a close relative or family friend may slip up in front of her one day. And it will throw off her whole sense of self-identity. Of course, this is just my two cents. but I would want my children to know who their parents were, unless it was absolutely detrimental to their well-being.
Take care of yourself and figure out what you want. once you do that, take it from there. If it's not worth staying and fighting for, then cut your losses. If it is, then you must first communicate for anything to ever change. Good luck, my friend. best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): I'm not sure how you support your children without working. If she has a drinking problem; how does she maintain gainful employment? If she is still working, does she earn enough to care for all of you on a single salary? Kids are pretty expensive with dental and pediatric costs. One child has school expenses, and then general household expenses (i.e. gas, utilities, rent/mortgage) and food for two kids and two adults. That's quite expensive. How could you afford to leave your job?I think depression may be setting in. You need a full physical examination; and you need to get back to work. You're falling into a psychological rut; and your children may suffer, if you become incapacitated.You need personal counseling being a spouse of a possible alcoholic. Check for free support services in your area.That will help you deal with what you're otherwise just dragging around without hope. The children need you. Family counselling may be a good and obvious suggestion; but it won't even happen, unless you can convince her it is necessary for your marriage to survive.Although it's a handy suggestion, people have to be willing and cooperative participants. In reality, most aren't. There doesn't seem like there's much to fight to save, according to your post. Only the children.Getting her to admit she has a drinking problem, and may be neglecting her family might be a challenge.Just from what you describe, it sounds like grounds for divorce. The question is, when do you finally come to this decision?At this point you should make sure your health is not at risk. Then you need to get a job.Seeking legal advice regarding child-custody and support may not yet cost anything. Looks like you're going to be a single dad at some point.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 October 2013):
 First off, I would find a job again or see if you can get your old one back. Secondly, I would have someone watch the kids and SIT your wife down. This needs to get sorted out. She can either CARRY on as she has, and be a single mom or.. she can GROW the F up and work on the marriage with you.
Do you guys belong to a church? If you do, I suggest going there for some marriage counseling help. If not I would look around for a place where you CAN get some marriage counseling.
Writing in your diary is a good and safe thing for you to express yourself, but you REALLY need to take the bull by the horns and have a talk with her.
Does she work? Are the oldest in school and the youngest in pre-school?
When did this start?
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (7 October 2013):
 HI
Firstly your wife is a control freak! you sound like a nice guy and she knows this so is taking the piss out of you ( sorry for cussing) but its true. You have become a doormat is this what you want in life? how did you see your life becoming before you met her? if I were you I would stand up to your wife, if she wont listen tell her your leaving, at this point she will probably think ( yeah right he wont leave he has not got the back bone) how ever you WILL have because you have had enough , am I right? if it were me I would say you are a cold heartless woman who don't deserve me, have a nice life , then I would walk out the door without looking back. As you have your child to think about I would do it still but go to solicitor and make sure you have equal parental rights. Don't be a doormat any more, hold your head up high and get away from the succubus !!
MANDY X
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2013):
 It's time to stop hiding your feelings from her.
If you're not happy, you need to let her know this. You shouldn't have quit your job if it wasn't what you were wanting. There are other jobs that would have had different hours to accommodate you, so I'm thinking there's *much* more than meets the eye here.
But on its surface, she's walking all over you. How does she have a say in whether or not you go out? Are you saying that she spends all of the extra money on partying and clothes?
Yeah, either way, this can't go on, and you need to stop cowering from her. Don't feel trapped, because if you don't have an income now, divorce for her would come with spousal support for you. Do you have family and friends? Time to start talking to them, because if you make a move out of your relationship, they will be your support group.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (7 October 2013):
 You're wife is taking of advantage of you but, for whatever reason, you're allowing her too!
If my husband stayed out till 2 am and came home drunk on a regular basis, he'd be the one sleeping on the sofa NOT me.
Why do you let her use you like this?
I'll tell you why, this woman is using you and I think she probably puts you down at any given opportunity because she doesn't respect you.
Over time with this constant emotional abuse and neglect of your feelings, you have begun to feel bad about yourself and therefore start to believe that she is right and her treatment of you is justified.
It is NOT. She is lazy, useless and selfish, she is setting a disgusting role model to your children as well.
Those children are so lucky to have a Daddy who puts them before everything else. I know it must have been hard to give up your job but you did the right thing, although it will have robbed you of the only freedom and independence you had.
Your wife is slowly turning you into a prisoner and her personal slave.
You say things like, "I'm not allowed to go out!" and "I'm not allowed new clothes".
What you are experiencing is domestic abuse and you need to do something about it.
Have you tried talking to her? Personally I can't see you're wife engaging in that or agreeing to counselling.
Is she depressed, you don't say how old your son is. If your son is under three years it may be that she is suffering from Post Natal Depression.
This does NOT excuse her behaviour but would at least be a reason for it and is treatable with help from your doctor.
If she's not depressed, could she have clinical depression or another mental illness? Again these things would need to be assessed and treated by a doctor.
If it's none of these things and she won't talk about this, then can you move out with the children?
Maybe you should keep a diary of her behaviour so that you can prove that she is unfit to care the children so that they can stay with you. Then you could try to build a new life for yourself.
If not, where does that leave you? You need her to step up and take some responsibility for herself, the home and the children.
In the meantime stop cleaning up after her. Do not do her laundry, put her stuff in bin bags and leave them for her to do. Only do for you and the kids.
Make her up a bed on the sofa and tell her that YOU will be sleeping in the bed from now on as it's YOU who washes and launders the sheets. Give her blankets and tell her SHE can sleep on the couch.
When your daughter is at school, go out with you little one and join a parent and child group and meet other parents and make some friends.
Can she be trusted with the kids? If yes then arrange to go out yourself one night, even if it's only to the movies. Don't tell her in advance, wait until the children are fed and ready for bed and then before she does, say "I'm going out tonight, bye!".
If she can't be trusted with the children then ask a friend or family member to sit them while you have some very important "you time".
I often say this but I think it helps. Take a step back and read your letter imagining that your grown up son has written it. Now, what would you tell him to do?
You're hurting, exhausted, worn down, lonely and depressed.
You are a victim of domestic abuse, please don't stand for this or allow your children to be exposed to this any longer.
I'm sorry this response was so long but I hope it helps a little AB x
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (7 October 2013):
Divorce her and take your kids with you
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 October 2013):
 Have you talked to your wife about all this? That's the starting point, if you both can't resolve this situation you will then need to get some marriage counseling. By the way, is the 8 year old's biological father paying any child support?
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