A
female
age
36-40,
*dviceS33ker
writes:I've known this man for a year. In the first 5 months he would contact daily, see me as often as he could, do huge romantic gestures. He even told me once I gave him "too much space".6 months pass and we had a falling out that left him embarrassed and he would easily go a week without even saying hello... he would reappear, we would step out, act like a couple in love, then no contact again. Eventually I changed my number and deleted him off social media. We didn't speak to each other for 4 months. During these months we dated other people. Fast forward to November and he contacts me via Facebook acting as if he didn't understand why I let him go. That he wanted to see me. I accept, we meet and have a wonderful day together. He tells me to text when I get home and I did to say I had a great day and to say goodnight, he responds quickly to say the same. 5 days later of no contact he texts and exchanges few words about how he loved seeing me again and hates his clients at work.Now a full week without no contact again. I haven't initiated a conversation and won't try this time around. I'm also keeping my options open and willing to date other men. I really like him and feel so much chemistry and I wish things were different but I can't wait around for him. This sucks. If he does get text again should I try to clarify this? Break things off?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2014): You're not going to get a very meaningful or helpful answer until you come back and tell us why you two fell out to begin with.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 December 2014):
 I agree - what was the falling out? Why was he embarrassed by it, and why did you take the coward's way out of deleting him without a face-to-face breakup??
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2014): Time to stop beating around the bush and ask him wtf is up? You're not happy with the situation and he sounds flaky to me. He seems to think it is ok to pop in and out of your life as he sees fit. You need to get to the bottom of this and end it for good if this is all he is every going to offer you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): I think sometimes people find more fulfillment in having more personal-interaction (in-person contact, for those who don't know what I mean) with someone they've formed an emotional-attachment to, or a good friendship is in the making.
Messaging may be hot and heavy on the onset, but will taper-off over time. You do get past the introductory-stage. Connections (romantic or platonic) go through phases, as you get to know each other better. In addition to having a separate life, and other obligations, connections, and activities. People often have a lot on their plate, and spread themselves pretty thin these days.
Often juggling a lot of things at the same-time.
I hope you and other readers will consider this. It's not written in stone, it's only a theory based on my own logic and experience.
Some people are adept at expressing their feelings through messaging and posting on social media. They're quite comfortable with frequent updates and followups. What many fail to realize is, sometimes other people can't compete with those of us who are really prolific when it comes to written-expression.
Even if weeks go by, people do get enough from hearing from us. That's hard to accept, but it's a fact. Even a boyfriend or girlfriend just needs "me-time," and tire of chit-chat by persistent texting. I've personally become totally saturated with blitzes of text messages from family, friends, clients, colleagues, and neighbors.
All well-intentioned, wanting attention, and demanding a prompt response. "Immediate responses" being most preferred. I get my fill, and turn off my phone!
I wouldn't be able to read, date, or think; if I tried to keep up with as many messages as I can receive in only a matter of minutes. Fortunately, my boo doesn't like texting and social media; although he is a techno-geek when it comes to technology. When it comes to me, he wants pure uninterrupted face-time. Phones are off when we're together.
Oh, doth my other contacts protest with fury!!! How dare I not get back to them with expediency and prompt urgency. I try. I am not rude or disrespectful. I answer according to those whom I've heard from the least, or haven't seen in awhile. I ignore those with silly comments, nothing better to do with their time, and just texting out of natural reflex.
If you're the "once-a-week girl;" perhaps he's not that into you. You should treat him just as casually.
Your time is precious, and your company can be appreciated by someone else at any time you wish. His loss, if he feels he's got better things to do. So do you, girlfriend! Waiting by the phone for some knucklehead to respond to a week-old message is beneath your dignity. Don't do it!
You must discuss, without prejudice, how he feels about a frequent-messaging. Put the past aside, this is now. Discuss this just matter-of-factually. Not as a direct confrontation; because you're pissed-off, and you want to tongue-lash him for not keeping up with your ability to always keep track of, and respond to, each and every message you get. You may have a lot of time put aside to review your messages, and may prioritize your response-time differently. He may also be sending you the message the connection is new, non-exclusive,and you are free to use your time as you wish. Drop him to the bottom of your list of contacts, be that the case.
He may also be seeing other people. You said you've known him only five months. You didn't say you were committed in an exclusive relationship, or that he's your boyfriend/boo.
If your options are open, and you can date other men; pursue your options and don't let him get to you. If you want to cut ties altogether, there's nothing stopping you.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (30 November 2014):
 And another Facebook dilema? If you all would use the telephone or go face to face once in a while there would be fewer questions as to WTF stuff.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): I think you always should say what you feel. For your sake not his.
Just make it clear that the way things are going with him you don't like. But be honest and tell him how much you like him and how much you want to spend more time with him. And then see what he says. But if you don't like the answer just leave. Don't expect him to change.
And don't take any vaque answers seriously. If he is not clear on his intentions then it's a lost case
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A
male
reader, Online Counsellor  +, writes (30 November 2014):
 Hi,
It sounds like you would like this to be more serious, does he know that? You know, when people don't communicate exactly what they want, it leaves others guessing.
You have options, you can go with the flow, move on or say what you would like, you can then see if what he wants matches what you want and then make a decision knowing you gave it every chance.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2014): You left out a crucial part: what the falling out was. Either what you did to cause the falling apart was pretty terrible or it was something trivial of which he doesn't need to react that way.
In either case, it's been too long. It's obviously bothering you, so I would go ahead and bring it up in conversation. It's clear he has feelings, but something is stopping him from committing to you.
Don't ask him why he won't commit to you, just bring up the events of that day where the falling out began and see how he reacts. Ask him what he thinks. He'll tell you if he's worth having around.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (30 November 2014):
I am not entirely sure about your history with him because it seems like you left out exactly what these events were. I would say he's having a change of pace which is the same as you are doing. He's taking things slow and most likely keeping his options open as well. I don't see the need to rush anything if you want someone for the long run.
If things were different what would it be like?
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