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female
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anonymous
writes:Hello, I'm a 17 year old girl. I live with my parents in a nice house in a small town in England. We have a cat and a goldfish pond. And to be totally honest, I'm gonna go insane if I stay here too much longer.Don't get me wrong - I appreciate what I have - but I just want to get out and be more independant. I'm gonna wait a year or two, but then I'm outta here.Recently I started going out with my new boyfriend. He's my age, and when I met him he was homeless. He now lives in a squat in the city, and a fair few of his housemates are heavily into hard drugs like crack. Personally I don't care what they do, because my boyfriend isn't that stupid and doesn't take drugs. Everyone at the squat is friendly and nice and stuff, but I can't tell my parents I go there every day. They'd go nuts.Anyway, when I told them I was going out with this lad, they pretty much tightened my reins and gave me an early curfew. It's pissing me off, because obviously I haven't told them about his living arrangements or his housemates' drug habits. Even so, they assume he's a 'waster or a drug dealer'. They always bang on about being open-minded, etc etc, but they are so close-minded it makes me sick. I love them and we get on well fairly often, but I want to live how I want to live. They want me to get an office job and marry a 'nice rich boy'. We aren't rich, but they like to project the whole 'nice suburban family' image to the extreme. What did it bring them? An unhappy marriage, obesity and a nice house. Well forgive me for not falling over myself to follow in Daddy's footsteps. Screw that. I'm not about to go looking for homeless guys to live with in order to prove how open-minded I am, but right now I'm going out with someone I love to pieces and that's that. I don't do drugs and I don't go looking for trouble. I know plenty of places I can live pretty well in the city, I know people who look out for me, and it's so tempting to just leave now and be done with it all, but that would be selfish. My parents would be crushed. I don't want to waste 17 years of trying to get on with them, to fall out over something I can just about wait for.Could someone tell me if I've got all this wrong? Thanks x
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (6 April 2009):
 Because sweetie!
Most people pay their way in life, by paying rent, mortgages, council tax and all the other stuff that squaters get away with.
Just imagine if you worked hard to buy a house, and while you are away a load of squaters moved in and wrecked the place (you might not be like this, but there are plenty that are) how would you feel?
Also another reason for not squating is that they get beaten up by owners trying to get them out of the property and not wanting to bother with courts.
Its your call honey, but its not as safe as you think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's been a while since I posted this question, but I want to let you know I did wait til I was 18, then moved into a squat with some really nice people. I've been there since New Year and it's brilliant. I'm not trying to do an 'I told you so' thing, I just think it's surprising that more people don't live this way. :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Hi babes, thanks for the update. Of course some people on drugs are nice and some are horrible, just like everyone else. But it dose depend on the drugs their taking. Drugs are mind alterting substances, and sometimes people can become violent and paronid and do things beyond their control. Even marjania (weed, pot) can make some people paronid over time. You talk as if there are no dangers with an alternative lifestyle. Of course there is. Your very young and very niave if you can't see the dangers me and your parents see. And what about the illegal aspect and the danger of a visit from the police, I notice you don't mention any of that. You also don't mention anything about the drug pushers, and their dangerous friends.
I understand what you mean about the beauty of an alternative lifestyle. I hang out with homeless people all the time and I have a lot of fun. But homeless people give me very good advice. They tell me how hard life is when you struggle to find food and keep clean. They tell me to keep studing, earn money and live in a house. Not one homeless person I have ever met (and I used to work with them, so I've met thousands) have ever tried to convince me that their lifestyle is any good. It's hard babes, at the moment you got a nice home to go to. You can get food and water anytime you like. Living on the streets is a battle and it's hard if you don't have loving parents and a decent home.
I totally agree with the squat thing. It also makes me mad. I've also got no problems with that. But again you'd be niave if you can't see the dangers of living like this. No electricity, no heating, no running water. It's a lifestyle, and you can choose to live like this, but this lifestyle is hard. Most people live like this because they've got nowhere else to go. They'd trade places with you in a second. If you live in a squat it's difficult to get a job, because you have no postal address, it's also difficult to get support from the many services on offer from the government.
Why can't you study, work hard and get a job that suits you best. You don't have to give up your boyfriend. But you could be the one to provide a safe home and some money for when times get bad. Living on drugs, living on the streets and being homeless is no joke. They make it look easy but it's a lot harder than it looks. Once you enter this lifestyle it's hard to go back and get the job, wife and dog. You live in both worlds, you have a choice. Why do you want to limit your choices in this way. As I said you can do both, when your old enough you can get a house and the homeless can live with you. This will allow you to live an alternative lifestyle but still allow you to be safe and provide the little luxuries that we all need in life. Take care of you kid, thanks for the update.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Its not that long, its a long as your question or just about really.
I kinda picked that up, and I can see where the others are coming from to an extent. However that doesn't mean I agree with them, because I don't - sorry comrades.
I can relate to Tellulah to an extent as well. She is trying to make you and your boyfriend have the best possible life. I don't necessarily think your being selfish, I don't understand how you are being selfish, but as long as your happy then thats all that matters.
It really is all that matters.
I think its incredible that he likes living the way he does, but then he doesn't know any different. And he hasn't got any money worries either - I mean with house bills and stuff. I don't know about how he gets his money, but thats besides the point.
I would hang on a little longer. Just that little bit, but then you have the rest of your life free. No worries. No parents on your back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionRight, first of all I want to say THANK YOU! to everyone for your advice, I really appreciate it. Especially Gecko12 - thanks for not just assuming I'm a spoilt kid who just wants to piss my parents off.
Because that's exactly why I posted that question - my parents have enough blandness in their lives without me causing them any more depression.
I just wanted to point out a few things - I did say that I wasn't planning on moving out for a year or two. By which time I will be 18.
Also - I have met a lot of people who take drugs. Some of them are horrible and screwed up. Some are lovely people who just have a bad habit. I try to avoid the horrible ones, just like I would avoid anyone else I don't get on with. I have been offered hard drugs probably about 4 times a week on average for the last 2 years, and I have never even felt tempted to say yes.
Oh and Tellulah - I know you think I'm being a selfish bitch, but I can't live my life the way they want me to. It's just not what I believe in, and I know they'll probably disapprove of whatever I do, but I can't spend my life trying to please them. And as I said, there are a fair number of people who live there who are totally against drugs. Being homeless doesn't make you a junkie. Also, my boyfriend is so happy as he is. He likes the freedom, he's travelled or lived in squats for his whole life and he loves living how he does. I'm not about to go taking that from him. It's his life, just as my life is mine. I don't want him to change his beliefs for me or anyone. A husband, two kids and a nice house with a dog might be perfect for you, but it's not for me. And could you please explain why living in a squat is 'wrong'? There are hundreds of disused empty buildings going to waste, and thousands of people who could make them into homes. Not to mention thousands of people who need a home. Go figure.
Anyway, thanks again :) xxx ( Sorry for the long reply. It's just something I feel strongly about.)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): If you want to keep this guy the best thing you can do is get an education and a job. Won't you be going to uni soon anyway? When resources are tight and there's not a nice home to go to, love is hard to keep. DiovanLestat is right. You don't have to be a boring bourgeoise, yet you don't have to live with drug addicts either. Talk to your parents. Tell them you're dying to get out. Maybe they can help you out... sponsor a trip or an internship somewhere away from home. Do you have any relatives or friends (young adults) living a life that you admire? Maybe it's time to visit them. It looks to me like you need some good role models in your life... adults doing exciting but worthwhile things, like scientists working on saving endangered species or developing disease cures, or social workers helping build homes for the homeless or feed the poor in underdeveloped countries. You can still love your boyfriend, but how about getting into a fun but stable situation and pulling him up to you, instead getting dragged down to him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): Hey if I were you, I would stay at home for now. I am 20 years old and in college and dont live at home anymore. Yeah freedom is great but the stuff such as bills, car insurance, food etc. You are on your own and let me tell you being young you dont have much money at all and it is very hard to make ends meet. I manage but its hard I gotta work and go to school to afford a decent lifestyle.
Stay at home girl and enjoy it while you can!!! :)
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female
reader, shandygirl  +, writes (9 July 2008):
 With your parents it is clean, warm, safe, you don't have to struggle making money to eat, have a place to live, or pay bills...and they are there to guide you away from making harmful mistakes. WOW! I wish I could go home again.
I left home when I had just turned 18. I am 53 now. Could you ask your parents to ADOPT ME? (wink)
If I were you... I would STAY HOME.
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reader, shandygirl +, writes (9 July 2008):
With your parents it is clean, warm, safe, you don't have to struggle making money to eat, have a place to live, or pay bills...and they are there to guide you away from making harmful mistakes. WOW! I wish I could go home again.
I left home when I had just turned 18. I am 53 now. Could you ask your parents to ADOPT ME? (wink)
If I were you... I would STAY HOME.
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female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (9 July 2008):
 I left home at 17 after my 'A' levels, also coming from the projected perfect surburban middle class life style. I went to live in Exeter with my boyfriend who was a Royal Marine. For a couple of months it was great it was sunny and we swam in the sea at Exmouth everyday and went clubbing at night. My mother had been furious and put me on the train in Newcastle not speaking a word. She never forgave me for throwing away my life and it was never the same between us again. After a while my boyfriend had to go on tours and I was left totally on my own. I worked in a pub and met lots of people and I forged a world for myself eventually leaving him and going to London. The reason I am telling you this is because at many times I would like to have gone home but things were so bad betweeen my mother and I after me leaving that I couldn't lose face and admit I wanted to return. I am 45 now but for many years I would have liked to return home as freedom is great but the security and comfort of a warm comfortable family life are hard to beat. It provides an excellent base from which to do things. Think very carefully. A squat is not a good idea, it will not be clean, warm, nice or anything you are used to. Wait until you can afford to rent a proper place with your boyfriend if you are intent on leaving. Also be nice and leave the doors open at home should you ever wish to return at some stage.
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female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (9 July 2008):
Be carefull what you wish for, because not only are you wrong to want to go and live in a squat in the first place, but you are also putting your life in danger even if you cant see it. You say that you love your B/F to bits, imagine if he just disapeared, how would you feel?. Because that is exactlly how your mother and father would feel.
You have a nice stable home with parents that adore you, and want the best for you. I bet that if your B/F had the same upbringing that he wouldnt have been homeless.
You might think that mixing with these friends of his (that take drugs) will have no efect on you. You sound like a strong minded person, but if you desend into that world it wont be long before you end up the same.
Stop being so selfish, and if your B/F really loves you he would try to improve his life to prove to your parents that he take care of you.
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (9 July 2008):
 You got it wrong...there someone told you! You may disapprove of your parents cosy lifestyle but at the end of the day it put food in your stomach and a roof over your head. I used to work as a housing officer years ago and I ran projects for homeless people - if you stay homeless for a long time then you end up just drifting towards trouble (drugs, prostitution, petty crime, health problems like Tb). It is perfectly normal to resent your parents at 17 and aspire to leaving home...I personally couldn't wait to tunnel my way out of the prison when I was 18 and live in another city. Maybe your boyfriend is homeless through no fault of his own and maybe his mates are nice people who just do drugs...but maybe you are being naive about the whole situation. I cannot tell you because I don't have a crystal ball to see how things work out, and neither do you. You pair could split up and then you will be vulnerable on your own out there in the city. Your parents are not being controlling, they are being caring. If they didn't give a monkeys then they would ignore what was happening. At 18 you can do whatever you want and that includes doing a runner from home if you wish. However, living in the city costs money and if you don't have a financial plan that doesn't involve running back home to mum and dad when things get rough out there then you lack credibility. By all means move out, but get a job or a college course like I did at 18 and rent a flat that doesn't stink of p*ss and vomit from drug use and where you aren't vulnerable to attack, arrest and eviction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): It's natural to want to spread your wings and flee the nest. I know - I did it at the age of 16 and have no regrets about my decision to leave home. But at least I had a guaranteed job to go to, accommodation, clothing and food provided, with travel thrown in for good measure and which paid very well on a solid 12 year extendable up to 22 years contract provided that I kept my nose clean!
Think very carefully. A proper roof over your head is a very important factor in anyone's life. At the age of 17 the odds are that you and your squatting boyfriend will part company in the not-too-distant future, then what will you do?
Your parents, no matter how much they piss you off, will always have your best interests at heart. If I was your father I'd have the same concerns as he has.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): "He now lives in a squat in the city, and a fair few of his housemates are heavily into hard drugs like crack"... I'd be scared about your boyfriend too. It's not him I'm worried about but his friends. What if the police find out, what if there are problems with the drug dealers. This is a dangerous world you've decided to involve yourself in, anything could happen. Your parents are right to be worried. If you can wait, then please wait, if your boyfriend is a good one he'll get on make something of himself and they will feel differently about him. Your situation is too extreme, there is a whole life out there, you don't have to be married in Surbia or hanging out with homeless crack addicts. There is something in between. Focus in getting both you and your boyfriend into a better financial sitation. By the time your ready to go then you'll have their support when they see how much your boyfriend loves you and how hard he's worked to change his situation so you never need to go without. They want the best for you, off course their worried, if it was your son, daughter or best friend, you'd be worried too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2008): No I think you've got totally right.
My parents are similar. It goes straight over their heads that there are unhappy people in the world. Poverty in Africa?! Wars?!
Even in this country, to be honest I never really thought about a 17 year old homeless and its pretty shocking what happens in the real world.
Once you've unwrapped the cotton wool from around you...
Its pretty incredible with your boyfriend. No I'm with you although I'm 15 which is 2 years younger than you, my parents want me to top my dads pay which is into 6 digit figures, and they want me to live a perfect happy life style. Again thats brought unhappy marriage.
Back to your question, if you can hold it off a bit, try to. Just think that once your out of there you have the rest of your life without them. Do what you want to do with your life, don't feel pressured into anything.
Work hard and follow a passion in a subject that you have. That way you can be the happiest, and make the best possible impact.
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