A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I just really have to get this out of me or else it's going to drive me crazy. I don't expect any helpful advice, as right now I don't feel like I deserve anything like that.. I just need to vent this.Last year I volunteered to work on an exciting project that was sure to further my career. I put everything into it - worked night and day. For the past eight years, I have been with this guy who I absolutely adore. We've seen each other through everything in our lives, best friends.. lovers.. soulmates. He's been there for me through the hardest times in my life and vice versa. Last year, we drifted from each other. We'd always spent all our time, doing everything together, but with this project on my plate, a real distance grew between us. For the first time in our relationship, I had to make something else first priority.For the past nine years, he's been friends with this girl Rosaline. I'd met her a few times, when we'd started dating.. she seemed nice enough, but what worried me was that she was a bit of a loner.. she didn't have a partner and seemed WAY too keen to contact him and spend time with him. She wanted MUCH more than friends in my opinion. Others had also made the same comments.. but he was oblivious to it all.Anyway, they kept in touch occasionally through email, I knew that much.. and rarely caught up when she was back in town.. I didn't mind, it was always above board. Halfway through last year, I couldn't reach him one Saturday night and found out the next day through mutual friends that he'd been to the movies with her. It was the FIRST TIME ANYTHING had ever happened like this where I'd thought he was keeping something a secret from me. We're the best of friends and have always told each other everything.. or so I thought.The next day, when I confronted him about it, he said that she'd text him that night and he knew I'd be busy so he just went.. and there was nothing in it. I tried to hide my insecurities and told him to catch up with her if she was back in town... letting him know that I trust him and I want him to have other friends (we have been in a situation where it's really just the two of us for a long time.. and I knew he was feeling lonely with me being busy all year).Anyway, he spent the following day hanging out with her as well.. and I felt quite upset since I'd cleared lots of time that weekend to be there for him. He'd been having a really tough time at work and I wanted him to know I was there to listen.I never really made a big deal about the situation and things went on as normal between us, but with an emotional distance there. I still had this sneaking suspicion there was something he was keeping from me.. call it a gut instinct. Even though I think networking sites are a complete waste of time, I decided one day to sign up on MySpace under a fake ID and send this girl a friend invite. Five months (after the movie incident), she accepted me onto the page. At this time, my boyfriend had been very emotionally distant.. as if something huge was on his mind but he couldn't tell me. I had asked him if she was back in town over the holiday break, and he said "No".Anyway, I asked this girl if she was back, she said she'd been in town for the past few weeks. I told her I knew her from years ago and had thought I'd seen her in a red Toyota in town (that's my boyfriend's car). She said she had been in that car many times, discussing her relationship with her boyfriend, "or ex boyfriend, we still need to talk about that" she said.I looked over her page and found pictures of them at a party together.. plus her status had been changed to "in a relationship".. and she'd been talking to her friends about how she couldn't wait to see him, literally counting down the days until they next see each other. She regularly said she didn't know what to do about the situation and her friends would recommend to her to "jump him". I sat up for the night and read a years-worth of conversations she was having with her friends about how she felt about MY boyfriend. I can't tell you what that felt like, to have supposedly been the most important person in his life for eight years and then suddently feel I’d never existed at all.The next day, I asked her how long they'd been together and she said, "It's been ongoing for nine years now, but seriously for the past year." I was absolutely livid. NINE years of lying?! The few times on her site that she'd said they'd met up was when he was away on 'conferences' in her city. Of course, I assumed the absolute worst.I emailed my boyfriend and told him never to come near me again.. not even interested in an explanation. He was absolutely shocked and took it literally, staying away, not even sure what I knew about the situation.The next day, I get a message from her on my fake account telling me they'd sorted out their relationship and everything was "back on track". Let me tell you, I have never been more upset in my entire life! I assumed he'd run straight to her!! Then, a couple of days later, he disappeared for 3 days.. and I had to lie awake at night, drowning in sweat.. thinking about my boyfriend having sex with someone else!I spent the next few months trying to pick up my life and start over.. but missing him every day.. and thinking this just couldn't be true. Even our mutual friends refused to believe a guy like mine could be capable of plotting a secret nine year relationship. He's not a 'ladies man' or any kind of 'casanova'.. he's the kind of guy that's always out there HELPING people.. but I believed this girl's comments.. why would she lie to a stranger, I would ask myself.Three months later, I decided I had to hear what happened.. from HIS lips.. and I was ready to hear anything. He'd been trying to contact me, but I wasn't going to agree to meet until I was ready.Well what ACTUALLY happened was a far cry from what I'd played out in my mind every day for the past three months. They HAD hung out a few times as friends and he'd been giving her some advice, starting from the beginning of the year! He HAD caught up with her when he was at those two conferences, and YES they DID exist. Shortly before the holiday break, she told him over the phone how she felt about him and he immediately said he did not want and could not have a relationship with her, that I was in his life. She then drove to the city and spent three weeks calling him in tears, texting him, telling him she wanted to talk things out in person. He met up with her in mutual surroundings a few times, while she cried and he reassured her they could still be friends. He tried to calm her down and let her down gently. They never had sex, and they only kissed once.. which was during the time she was trying to entice him into a relationship with her. Before this time, all their interactions had been nothing but friends and he was literally SHOCKED to hear what she'd said and to hear what she'd written on her page.He told me he wanted to fix the situation and didn't want to hurt anybody and that he'd lied to me about hanging out with her those few times because he knew it would worry me, but he felt lonely and needed someone to talk to about what was happening at his work. When she returned home, he called her (the day after I'd told him never to contact me). He said he didn't want two people hurt and wanted to say goodbye civally. That's when she must've emailed me and said they were "back on track". He then booked three days away at a place we always holiday.. saying he wanted to get away from everything and was distraught about the end of us.I didn't believe anything he said.. after all, I'd had what I thought was the REAL situation replayed in my head so many times.. in the end I had no idea what was real. We talked for hours and hours about it over the next few days.. and months.. until he actually lost his voice. He cried (for the first time I've ever seen) for hours while he poured his heart out about everything.. every time they met up.. whether it was for a coffee or to grab some takeout when he was in town for a conference. He told me she was just a friend he was talking to and that nothing else had happened. He said he'd nipped it in the bud as soon as he'd realised it grew to be more than friends.Now, several months later, even after what turned out to be such a non event, I'm plagued by fear and feelings of insecurity. Every day I remind myself what really happened and that it was her chasing him.. and that her comments were obviously that of a lunatic.. but when I ever mention her, he defends her and says it was HIS mistake and HE feels terrible about it.. and to blame HIM. I feel like I come into a brick wall every time. How can he defend this girl that's caused us so much pain? We're barely even a functional couple now. We spend all our time arguing.. while I berate and lecture him.. and question where his phone is, or where he was when he turned up 10 minutes late. Over the few months we were apart, I talked to a couple of close friends about what had happened.. and wanted to hear their thoughts. It turns out, one of them has betrayed my trust and told a whole bunch of people what happened to him at his work.. and what I'd said about him. I'm so upset and after everything, I really just feel like I don't deserve him at all. I'm usually the most tactful person ever, but I was feeling very vulnerable at the time and opened up about things I normally wouldn't ever!I feel now that I’m the one whose betrayed HIM. It was things he told ME in confidence and I broke his trust.. but the only reason I did this was because I had believed everything this girl had said!Proof of his story bring true is that for the three months we were apart, I saw him a few times.. always on his own. His friends would tell me how much he was missing me and that he was asking about me. His car never moved from his house (as I used to drive past all the time). It seemed that he was alone.. and it was obvious Rosaline wasn’t the one that broke it off.. I’m so glad I decided to get up the guts to confront him about it all.The one loser in this situation seems to be me. He keeps asking me why I can't just focus on our future and moving forward, but I seem intent on worrying about what happened.. and living in fear. Even this slag of a woman, who had MET me and KNEW we were together all this time.. a woman who has NO morals whatsoever.. has got a new boyfriend and has moved on.. and here I am, living in the past, INCAPABLE of thinking of and planning my future. I feel like I've literally lost my mind here, plus, I've never betrayed his trust.. but with this friend blabbing.. I feel more guilt than I can describe. I'm so confused.. who is at fault here? I am beating up on myself right now about everything.. how I opened up to my close friends.. how I am analysing everything too much and can't move on.. and how I'm sabotaging us. I expect abuse from you after reading this long-winded post.. feel free.. right now I believe this whole thing is my fault. My fault for believing this girl's comments and overreacting.. my fault for talking to my friends (which I'd NEVER done even when we ever fought).. MY fault for spending all my time on this project last year. Sometimes I think if I’d never taken on this project, we could’ve been engaged by now and would certainly not be in this awful place we are. It’s so unfair that this slag can just move on with her life and I’m left to pick up the pieces of this damaged relationship. I alternate from beating up on myself to feeling like the victim.Even if I get no replies, I do appreciate anyone that took the time to read this.Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Thanks to all the new posters since my last reply :)It's like I've developed dual personalities with this. One half of me says, ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER AND HE CANNOT BE TRUSTED and the other half of me remembers the Oprah episode I watched that said 1 in 3 men do have affairs but only few women ever find out about it. Then I think to myself that although his actions were deceitful, they barely counted as a real affair, more of an emotional connection.When we first met up again, he looked at me like you would want your groom to look at your on your wedding day. His eyes welled up with tears and he said it felt like a lifetime without me. He couldn't stop crying as he told me how sorry he was for ever getting in this situation. He answered everything I asked him, no matter how hard it was for me to hear, as he promised me honesty. I cried, he cried.. for hours, until he lost his voice from talking about it so much. He kept saying he had just wanted to "fix it.. just get rid of it and get back to us". We met up every day for the next week where he continued answering my questions (while I checked for inconsistencies), and told me everything I asked of him.He said it started when he was giving her advice on issues she was having with her ex and they got talking, as he was having a hard time with some things in his own life. They found common ground and talked about things regularly.. and he just kept saying they talked lots. This girl was always the kind that, given an inch, would take a mile.. well that's what I knew from her anyway.When I first met her she was engaged to another guy.. and my bf and her were just friends.. and then she hooked up with another guy.. a drug addict who beat her and she had a child with him. This all happened within those nine years, which is why when she says "it was ongoing for nine years" I believe that to be a total lie. Plus I keep thinking, with her living three hours away, with a kid, how could they arrange a mult-year long affair?It really plays with your head and doesn't seem to be getting any easier with time passing.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Wow,what a roller coaster. I really do hope that he is telling the truth, and really at this point, only he knows what that is. But I do notice a few inconsistencies: 1) he really does seem to defend her, doesn't he? Why does he keep drawing the attention back to himself when you accuse her for being crazy? 2) Is it possible that she has been in his red car? It seems strange that she would offhandedly accept that statement. 3) An innocent person doesn't pack up and leave when they don't know what they are accused of... 4) We all know that cheating has NOTHING to do with the person being cheated upon. However, sometime around the 7 year mark, things are renegotiated in a relationship, and it is possible that he was looking elsewhere, perhaps only subconsciously. How many men do we know who stop at a kiss especially after being in a long term relationship where perhaps they weren't feeling validated for a short period of time? There are other things too, but really it's all speculation. If I were you, I would take a break. It may have nothing to do with him, obviously you have insecurities and fears that you need to work through. But why do your fears keep nagging and disturbing you? What does your intuition say? Perhaps there is a reason for this...? If the roles were reversed, and you were innocent, wouldn't you IMMEDIATELY want to get things straight and not wait one minute for the person to be in mental torture? Something is shady here, but for your sake, I HOPE HOPE HOPE that he is a good guy, I really do. A temporary break is definitely in order and perhaps some therapy or coaching (I recommend the latter). YOu sound like a wonderful woman - take care of yourself and do not beat yourself up about this. He is the man, he should be there to shoulder it as well. Stand tall.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2010): Erm, your friends did not tell you third hand that your boyfriend slept with another woman. You heard it directly from the other woman. You heard it from him coroborating the fact that he met up with her when he went to her town on conferences, and he never told you that until caught in the lie.This is THE most troubling of all of this, he covered his meetings with her up. He's hiding something, she says their relationship was serious for the last year, friends for he first 8, believe her, she has no reason to lie to you about that especially when she did not know she was talking to you...she did not chase your man for 9 years, come on, stop blaming her for this, if he didn't want her she wouldn't have been in his life for 9 long years, you for 9 years. Relationships are seen the same way as the way you see them. He keeps women around for as long as he is getting something from them and can maintain the illusion of future and movement....but he is taking you no where, just on a merry little codependent ride.He's not honest, he's all about himself, he's not willing to committ, he let you go without a fight....you brought him back, so that is his pattern...a passive man who let's women lead the relationship with no real direction or committment from him.You are over invested.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): Thanks everyone for your advice and your variety of perspectives on this complicated situation. Feel free to keep em coming, these are all really helpful.
To the poster that mentioned my boyfriend was crying “crocodile tears”.. I know it seems that from what I wrote that he has been carrying on with someone else for nearly a decade, but I knew from the shock on his face when I told him, and later when I calmed down the realization that he would have to be nothing short of a GENIUS to be able to mastermind a secret affair or double life for that length of time, I knew THAT part was false. When she said nine years, she meant the friendship. We have spent nearly EVERY weekend together for the past eight years, with the exception of last year.. and her comments only started in the first quarter of last year anyway… I’m pretty confident THAT much is the truth.
He was absolutely shocked that I could believe he was capable of something like that and said he was feeling riddled with guilt over just the few WEEKS he'd been discussing her feelings with her.
Thanks for your thoughts though, I'm taking all these on board.
Regards,
The neurotic nutcase
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): I have been there exactly where you are.My so called friends told me that another girl slept with my ex.He said no.I believed my friends.He was an amazing guy.8 years later he calls me up and says that he never slept with the girl.I am in a relationship right now.He just doesn't want me to have a bad opinion of him.I am devastated that I didn't trust him.You still have a chance.Ask your heart what it says.You know best if you can trust him again.Life is too short.Take a chance on love.Regarding you hurt him love always forgives.Its too late for me.I wish you well
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): I really think he is crying croccodile tears here. You live in the same city, she doesn't, you win. Is that all you want to be, is the winner by default?
He is not ready for the kind of relationship that you think you have....he's not capable....
The girl isn't evil bitch, she didn't do this to you, he never indicated to her that he was committed or serious about you, she liked him, they were close or it wouldn't have gone on for 9 years....she's his emotional crutch, so are you...he needed her for attention and stroking, I am sure they have had sex before, I'd bet my life on it...
He's an emotionally unavailable man, just like I said before, I am just adding onto my original answer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): I am sorry, but I don't feel that you are a victim here. You mistrusted him for a reason, you gained the trust of the other woman and you read some things that did not jive with what you thought was the truth.
I don't think his "friend" of nine years is the crazy one, he's basically been in a relationship with both of you for about the same amount of time. I think he likes/loves both of you, and I think the other woman thought that he returned her feelings and that she was in a relationship with him too, or she wouldn't have publically put it out there on FB for all the world to see. In other words, the whole world knows that your boyfriend has two women and now so should you.
He sounds emotionally unavailable, really to me, it doesn't take 8 years of dating to committ to one woman, know he thinks you are the one and make a future with you, as in asking you to marry him.
He still hasn't asked you, but only asks you to focus on the future. He's manipulating you, that is a manipulations tactic to make an emotional bridge from the past into the future to take your focus off the present, what is actually happening.
This guy isn't a good bet, he isn't soul mate material, he isn't friend material, he's a self centered, manipulative jerk who only wants women to stroke his ego, take care of is "problems" and to never take responsibility for his own actions really....he's made a mess of his life and you are willing to get off your path to find your happily ever after to follow him around in his self made mess.
That's my opinion....I think you should forget about picking up the peieces of this damaged relationship, end it and not be satisfied with a shared relationship with another woman. Men don't have female friends that they are not sexually attracted to. They can have female friends and not cheat if they are decent men and are committed to a woman, but it's very rare, and the women usually know each other and are friendly as well,,,,he kept you two seperate....great big red flag, great big lie...wise up.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): i think there is hope for you two. You obviously love one another. Is there any chance of couples counseling?you have to get a grip. You werent wrong so much to have believed her, but its time to get past that. You are well on the way to driving him amay with your insecurities. He did nothing wrong and yet daily you berate him. I have friends, woman constantly accused the man of affairs etc. He was easy going, took it for 25 years. The day their youngest daughter graduated he walked away. To this day (its been 3 yrs now) she feels vindicated. See i was right! But the sad truth is, she accused him until one day he said, ok, she wont believe me, i may as well. He left his family, a new home, new vehicle, good job, and now he has nothing. Sleeps im the truck he drive but he wont go back. Would rather be alone in peace. So sweetheart you CAN change your approach. You have to. Grit your teeth and do it. After awhile it will get easier, and come more natural. Hugs, mal
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 I think you are doing the "typical" thing. You are wasting energy being mad at her, for things you are really mad at yourself for. She pulled a fast one on you.
You fell for her BS, you didn't trust your man. Truth to be told most women would have done the same thing you did. Why? Because we are told to be good little girls our whole childhood, so we assume other women were "good little girls" too. Unfortunately there are plenty of crazy bitches out there, who loves nothing more then cause havoc and drama, THAT is how they know they are alive.
You need to forgive yourself. You need to let your hate of her go. Karma will get her, sooner or later. In the mean time YOU need to live life. You need to be happy.
You BF made some mistakes too no doubt, just look at how adamant he is to OWN his actions. You two need to figure out how to move on together, to forgive and bury the past. Doesn't mean you have to pretend it didn't happened, that never works. You HAVE to find a way to forgive yourself and your BF. Once you can TRULY do that you will set yourself free. Focus on what you two have together, build on that. Learn to communicate better. Him letting you know he feels lonely or less of a priority in your life and you, be honest about how you feel about female friends.
Maybe even seeing a counselor can get you two some tool to move forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): all i can say is where there is smoke there is fire. i can understand some inconsistencies but was he speaking the truth 100% or did this girl not lie 100%. no matter what you may think of her, i think you need to take a step back and ask yourself whether all that you have experienced thus far with this girl and your (ex) bf is absolute lies and she made up everything. in stead of blaming her for everything, how about being realistic. there are 3 sides to every story so you need too find out what the absolute truth is. you may not like the absolute truth but get to the bottom of it, sooner rather than later. you may find some embellished stories but stop beating yourself up.
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