A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My partner nad I have been together for about a year now and am just wondering if our relationship can stand the test of time. A couple of years ago I dated a guy for about a month (he went back to his ex who was also his fiance) who was very passionate. He smsed me constantly and would phone me 2-3 times a day just to talk. We would spend hours on the phone. I am more of a listener by nature and so I would often leave much of the talking to him, but he didn't carry on in a self-centered way - he was just someone that was able to talk and talk. The guy that I'm with now is a beutiful person who is very down to earth and happy to know that I am next to him, without feeling that we need to talk and talk. He is sweet, thoughtful and caring. He is not much of a talker and sometimes doesn't see the point in getting into huge discussions, over anything much. He also has some physical things going on for him and so is often quite introspective. As we can both tend to be quite quiet, I find myself wondering if this is a relationship worth being in? I don't find that we talk about and discuss bigger issue stuff or that we challenge each other mentally, but can be happy just being. The things is, he is genuine ... He doesn't feel like he has to talk for hours to show me his love. He is committed to me and wants us to get married, but I wonder if this is enough? We have fun together and I do love him but, I often find that I can't just be in the moment with him, because my mind is wondering if the above mentioned "problem" is a sign that this can't survive? I do enjoy being quiet myself and can be very introspective (sometimes to my detriment!), but I also like to discuss and banter. Any thoughts? I have not really been in a long-term relationship before, so I am not sure what is "right" or no. All I have are some short-term r/ships where there was lots of talking. However, would that have lasted over time? Does silence inevitably enter anyway? If he offers me love, security, unconditional acceptance, respect... is it worth risking losing that?
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo bitterblue and the two anon readers who replied, thank you so very much for your thoughtful and well-considered answers to my dilemma.
You all make really good points and raise some questions for me to think through further - some of which I have alreday considered and some of which are new. In reading your answers I came to realise that he is by no means dull or unintersting and that over the past few weeks where he has felt less physically unwell, I have seen a jovial, happy-go-lucky and more talkative side of him. I have also come to realise that I rely on others to "draw out" my talkative and bubbly side and it is not my natural default - so, a quality we both share it seems. As such, bitterblue, your point about asking more questions (rather than expecting him too) and raising some interesting topics (rather than expecting him) is a good way to go and has shown to be positive!
In terms of looking at the whole package - that too is correct! It is hard to let go of someone who glows when you walk in the room; who tries to remember what you say and what you like so he can surprise you with it the next time; and who listens to your fears and vulnerabilities and even when they don't make sense to him and he still doesn't quite know what to say, he still doesn't walk away.... but hugs and kisses you to let you know things will be ok.
Less than a year into our relationship, perhaps I have let societal and familial expectations cloud my views and judgements....? Time will tell though - for now, I'm in it to stay.
Thanks again to the three of you! Best of luck in your own relationships!
Any more answers and thoughts are still welcome :-)
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2009): I'd be curious if he is the type who would return from a beautiful journey and only be able to say "It was beautiful." or maybe he is quiet because he doesn't have such an 'eventful' life (in which case he may come to outgrow this stage to a certain extent). Either way, you seem to dislike this peculiarity about him, which means to you this is important, so it doesn't matter how it is to the rest of us. Picture him and you together at a reunion, would you be embarassed with him? I feel this may be the direction you are heading, and it's not all that great. Think about what you like, and not about the norm or your ex'es. It's true that having a past, you are used to different styles of your former partners, but make the difference between "like" and "being used to" a certain thing. Maybe you don't necessarily dislike your boyfriend being rather quiet, but you are just not used to it or haven't learned how to have a good time in this context?You have to decide if you can accept the situation as it is and maybe try to make it better. You don't have to decide right now either. See how things develop when you come up with interesting topics, how he comments them, how you can attract him in sparkling conversations. Maybe asking more questions or suggesting topics would bring a little spice in your couple life. There is also the risk of you getting tired or feeling that you are pulling words out with tongs. Think however if more events in both of your lives would give you more occasions to talk and how you could achieve this. If you can't create more chances to talk and some fulfilling conversations as time goes by, then you will probably have to get used to this, or just get out. It's your call. It is also a valid reason to get out, since it is important to you. He is probably not much of a socialite and may upset your plans if you are after a big social life. See if this has a cure, attract him into some serious conversations, learn about his judgement, learn more about each other. If he's usually not a big talker he won't start to just blabber away but he may take your invitation to open up a bit more. Anticipate if more events can give him more to talk about and try to understand if you fear you don't know him well enough because he doesn't express himself much or just the dull moments. Don't forget to look at the whole package, too. Again, take your time to ponder over this and make a call.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): Personally(and from what you wrote, I think you're a lot like me, I love to discus banter and be challenged by someone), I couldn't be with someone who just sits back and doesn't as you say 'challenge you mentally'. I don't think you are quiet because you seem to be able to carry a three hour conversation well with your past guy.
Yes all the things you listed were nice, security, repsect, blah blah, but I think you would get easily bored. You said all your past relationships got you talking, well if I'm being honest, unless he decides to debate something with you for hours, then I don't think you would be happy marrying him.
There's nothing wrong with being quiet, but being too quiet is dull. I don't think he interests you enough and I don't think you could be entirely happy with being content, when there are other qualities which you find more important.
He sounds like a nice guy, don't get me wrong, but unless he comes out of his shell, I'm not too sure you'll have a longlasting relationship with him.
Only my thoughts though. (also, because you asked the question, I think that gives you an answer in itself, don't you?)
Much love izi
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): You'll find a guy's actions speak louder than his words, talk is cheap. Love is not enough to make a relationship survive the test of time but mutual respect/trust combined with that will give it a good chance.
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