A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife of five years is driving me crazy. We're both Christians but she, unlike me, is very devout and has an incredibly attitude towards all forms of physical intimacy. She isn't interested in having kids and does not believe in recreational sex. So in five years we've had sex a grand total of one time. She won't even kiss, saying it might need to something more "sinful" and we haven't hugged in over three years. We even sleep in separate rooms and I haven't seen her naked since our wedding night. We do love each other but she never want to express that affection physically. She's also very controlling. She's constantly moaning about the way people are dressed when we're out and about and has more or less banned television from her house, describing it as "a vehicle for pornography". Up to now, I've sustained myself the old-fashioned teenage boy way but now even that isn't possible anymore. Six months ago, she found my "porn stash" (actually 3 copies of the Sears Catalogue) and had a raging fit. We fought for days and she even talked of moving out. She rang all her friends and spent the next few weeks calling me a masturbator and a sinful fornicator. Now she knocks on the door if I appear to be too long in the bathroom and watches me like a hawk. To top it all off, she actually checks to make sure I'm not aroused when we are in bed. And if I am I tell you, all hell breaks loose. I can't go on like this. I've tried talking it over with her but it's like she lives on another planet. She won't discuss anything to do with sex. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2008): I bet your wife learned her behaviors/thinking from someone else, like a mother or a father. I wouldn't be surprised to hear that she may have been abused by someone. You both need to find out why she is so scared. She is using religion to avoid intercourse.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2008): She's abnormal. I think abnormal even among most Christians.
She won't sleep with you and she gets angry when you jack off to porno -- what does she expect you do to do?
Humans are sexual beings. Being married is the most accepted context for sex there can be, religious or not. If she still prefers celibacy in this situation then she should have become a nun.
She's probably hung up about sex because of the religious upbringing or else there could be sexual abuse in her past. But either way I don't think she is likely to change now. It doesn't even sound like she sees the problem in this at all.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): That's beyond Christian, that is abnormally fanatical. If she reads the Bible she'll find sex is a part of marriage.
Surely you can't keep living the way you are? If she won't change then divorce may be the only option.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Christian? Or nut case? I'm not sure what is worse her or you living with a fruit case for so long. If she has these weird ideas she will never change. I would suggest that you leave ASAP. She is so far from being Christian and it is a shame that there are people like that in this world. If this comes from your church I would definately find a new church.
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A
female
reader, Saira_R  +, writes (15 June 2008):
First of all, I must congratulate you for having soo much patience with this woman.
But what she is doing is wrong. She is commiting a sin a by refusing her husband.
Sex within marriage is normal, right and in no way perverse.
I know it probably wont make a difference, but confront her and tell you you cant go on with this.
Speak to your local priest if it will make a difference - there's no shame in sex between a man and women who are married.
God made you in a way so that you do fornicate - you cant control your sexual urges, it ridicoulous that she should check.
She's being a fundamentalist, and either you or her needs to make some changes.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (15 June 2008):
Wow, how did you not know about this before you married her?
If she won't talk about it then you are going to have to make her talk about it.
Tell her you are leaving because it's clear she doesn't love you. Tell her people who love each other want to hug them, and kiss them and hold them all night. Don't even mention sex. Tell her you have tried to work it out but she has refused.
I doubt if she is as Christian as you say that she will want to get divorced so she might volunteer to go to therapy, to accept that you get turned on by lying in bed together, or at least talk about why she won't let you touch her.
I think you have to forget the sex for now and solve the complete lack of wanting contact. She should want to hug you, at least. You can work up to the rest but start small and be patient if you love her and want to work this out. If you don't love her then you are going to have to leave.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (15 June 2008):
 Okay, my boyfriend is a devout Catholic. He feels very much the same way as your wife, however, me being a Christian and to be honest, a very naughty one, we came to a compromise when it came down to things like sex.
My boyfriend would NEVER even mention the word sex in front of people or joke about it, however, we can openly talk about it. The reason being, when we got together, we made bounderies. And both of us know what these bounderies are.
My family is very relaxed about joking etc with each other, however he has been brought up that you dont talk about things such as sex, not to your friends and certainly not to your partner. Its evil, disgusting and vulgar. Whereas I was brought up to be open and honest with your partner. You should be able to discuss anything that you are unhappy about.
I think your problem is the fact that you didnt lay down bounderies when you married her, or were thinking of marrying her. She seems to be acting like your mother and not your wife.
The only thing you can do really is sit her down and TELL HER what you feel. If she starts with her nonsense about being a fornicator etc etc, then tell her that if she doesnt sit down and listen to you, you will want to commit a cardinal sin of "divorce". I am pretty sure that might get her thinking if she is that divout a Christian. One of the most cardinal sins would be divorce because they are seen as outcasts afterwards.
Sit down with her, make her understand where you are coming from and that you too need love and affection from your wife. Tell her that you dont want to go find out in magazines and television but that her ways make you want to do these things. Tell her you love her, but that you cannot for your own sanity continue on this path of distruction.
I hope you can get this sorted out! If you can't and she isnt prepared to change her ways, you need to look at your situation and think about what YOU need since she isnt prepared to think of anyone but herself and the church!
Let us know how you get on.!
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 Doesn't want kids as a devout Christian? Disobeys her husband?
Doesn't work like that, go forth and multiply that is strict Christian teaching and as for refusing your husband, that is a no-no.
So either figure out what her real problem is and try to deal with it (because she is just using her faith as an excuse) or get rid of her.
I have to wonder why you ever married her, surely you knew what she was like before?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Relationships are a multifaceted thing. Where we may love one aspect of our partner other aspects may annoy or disgust us. However, you should have been aware of your wife's puritanical views on sex and television before marrying her.
I would never marry a woman who didn't believe in sex because I believe physical intimacy is one crucial aspect to a happy relationship. If I were in your shoes I would tell me wife that we either get divorced, start having sex, or I'm going to have a sexual relationship with somebody else.
Sexual expression is one aspect of our social and physical lives. Christian morality should take that into account. Tell your wife that you want to remain spiritually married to her, but have little interest in physically restricting yourself to a cold stone.
Or, as a fundamental Christian, don't you and your wife believe in the old misogynistic view on male superiority in a marriage? Why is your wife married, anyhow? She sounds like she should be in a convent.
I guess what I'm saying is marriage counselor. Good luck, sorry if I offended you. This is just my impression.
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