A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been seeing a guy for about a month now.He has 2 kids, one is 2 and one is nearly 5.His ex, the mother of both children, recently found out he was dating me, after hacking into his e-mail account and reading a message from me. She then replied to the message asking to 'meet'.He prewarned me via text, he was worried she'd said something horrible to me. In all honesty i knew she would find out, and it didn't bother me. That was until he told me that she freaked about, starting asking if i'd met the kids, who i was, and asking if i was his girlfriend, etc, and she also threatend to dish 'dirt' on him to put me off.They've not been together for over 8 months now.He's now told her that i'm his 'friend' and it's confused me, is he just protecting me from her, or am i just a friend with benefits to him? He said he can't go totally nuts at her because she could stop him seeing his kids, which i understand, obviously. Its just so unfair, he works hard for his kids.He was very annoyed that she had kicked off, and he said to me on the phone that ''It's like its okay for her to see someone but i can't''Aparently she does this alot, i can understand her wanting to protect her kids, but threatening to call me up and leave horrible messages is a bit out of order.I'm staying calm and being supportive, is this the best thing to do?She only lives 2 streets away so now i'm worried she'll show up at his place as she now knows when i'm there from the e-mail.Any advice appreciated.. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe's not married, never has been. He lives by himself.I've already stayed over a few times.Well, it's unlikely that he'd go to all this trouble to make up a story but i'll talk to him about it when i see him i guess.Im not going to get paranoid about it otherwise i'll look like I'M crazy.Oh dear.. maybe i should turn lesbian instead! Har-har...
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): You are doing the best thing possible, listen and dont get angry. She will always come out in a bad light if you continue to be the way you are. I salute you for it, i think i would be wanting to scream by now. I feel sorry for him, because she is calling the shots and he is taking the poison. He loves his kids and she is making life or trying to, a misery. ou have to both have a united front on this one. She needs to realise that he can and will have a future without her. She sees blokes yet he cannot have a gf, tough! Keep on like this and eventually she will get p**d off and hopefully move on. Watch out for sly tactics, cos i bloody hate exs with a passion and they can pull every trick out of the hat that they can find. You are doing a great job.
Take care and keep strong.
xxx
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 February 2008):
 Well! You have to appreciate that she is probably upset, and thinks that's the only leverage that she has with him. Dont look on her to harshly, she may be a really nice person. Relationships can drive you to do things that you normally wouldn't. Even though you know its wrong.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your quick responses, it's been bugging me for a couple of days! He's had a terrible weekend with all this, so I'm going to make sure we have a nice time when I see him.I think he appreciates me just listening, and I'm willing, she's only making me look better. Yeah, I know, I hate it when women resort to using their kids as "weapons.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (18 February 2008):
Legally she cannot stop him from seeing his children unless he is not a fit parent. Of course this is much harder to enforce than that.
Suggest to him that he get some advice from a solicitor about his parental rights and what he can do to protect them.
Carry on being supportive the way you are and just be patient. I would also recommend that he get another totally different email account (there are many free ones) with a different email provider to just use for the two of you. Provided he does not save his password details or do silly things like print everything out she should not be able to get into this new email address and so at least you will be able to enjoy some privacy from her snooping.
You did not say if they were married or not. It might make a difference in some situations. As for her threat to "dish the dirt" I guess you are mature enough to understand that not everything an ex partner says about someone can be trusted or reliable so just tell her that if she told you what day tomorrow was you would want to check your calendar anyway.
Stay cool. Do not get drawn into a row. Keep your own counsel and dignity and it should eventually work out.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, TELLULAH +, writes (18 February 2008):
Hi,
Look! they have only been apart for 8 months, and when you have kids with a man thats nothing. She sounds very jealous of him moving on, and until she finds a replacement for him, she is going to act this way.
You my darling, are doing thew best thing that you can. You are keeping calm and being supportive. And he couldnt ask for more. Also, he has probably told her you are just a mate, to keep her off his back. For now I would except that, and let him off the hook. But if you do stay together with this guy, she will eventually realise that you are more than a friend. And she will just have to except that you are part of his life.
If she does start dishing the dirt on him to you, tell her you would rather find out for yourself. Just because she had a problem with him doesn't mean that you will.
XX Take care and be very Cautious.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Sorry, not divorced, apart.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): She is such a control freak! Surely it's not allowed, to threaten someone with their children. To be honest, I think you should go to the police. He has the right to a peaceful life with whoever he wants, they're divorced, he's not doing anything wrong at all.
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