A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my girlfriend and i have been going out out or about 4 months. When we first started going out, she would act like i was a god (talking about how perfect i was, etc.) We would text each other everyday and spend a lot of time together. after the first month, it began to feel as if her feelings were changing. She began to spend less time with me ( maybe once a week) and she seemed to be bored. Whenever i would bring this up to her, she would say something like "Well i'm sorry i"m a terrible girlfriend". she would then act like she loved me more than ever. She can easily get stressed out too, so she usually like comfort from her family or friends... but never from me. apparently i "make her feel worse sometimes" so she just keeps it to herself and avoids me for a week at a time until she is less stressed out about whatever is going on in her life. (i'm saying whatever, because i don't know what her stress is about.. she wont tell me just in case i make it worse).She seems happy most of the time when she's with me, but it doesn't feel like shes happy to be with me, only happy to not be alone anymore. it almost feels like i'm a toy and shes a child. She will play with it whenever she wants, but will ignore it if she doesn't want to play.I feel like she is taking advantage of me, but i cant be too sure. i love her a lot and i don't want to lose her. i don't want to break up with her and then realize i made a terrible mistake. I can guarantee that if i bring it up, she will cry and talk mention how much she loves me, but i also feel like she is only with me so she wont be alone. I don't know what to do. Can anybody help me???????
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male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (6 July 2011):
Part of learning to have adult relationships is learning to have adult conversations. You can't move forward with this without talking about it. You shuold think about when will be a good time to have it depending on what else is going on for both of you, but in the end you need to have these kinds of conversations.
You say if you bring it up she will cry and mention how much she loves you. That's fine. Let her cry and express whatever emotions she wants to express. Once she has done that, tell her you still need to be able to have a conversation about it. Then start talking. If she can't or won't, you can try the same process again when she has calmed down. If the same pattern repeats, it either means she is manipulating you, or she doesn't have the maturity to have the kind of relationship you want to have.
The other way to do it is to simply start telling her what you want done in the relationship, rather than doing things the way she wants them done. Start to speak your mind more, rather than worrying about how she will react, or whether or not she will be able to handle things. Test the waters.
Realise though that there might be very sensitive emotions behind her behaviours, if you are able to have a conversation about it, you need to do as much as possible to listen to her when she is speaking, and to accept her thought and feelings. You don't need to agree with her, and it is good that you tell her your thoughts and feelings but good listening and acceptance will go a long way.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Well you are both in a relationship and if one of you is stressed or upset about something well then you should be leaning on each other. It is not a good sign her saying that you will only make it worse for her. She is holding back from you for some reason and I am unsure what that reason is but it is not fair on you. To me it sounds like she really doesn't know what she wants. She is getting support from her family and friends but she is shutting you out of her life which is not normal behaviour in a relationship. She should feel like she can open up to you and lean on you for support.
This issue does need to be addressed sweetie. As much as you don't want to bring it up it needs to be spoken about because it will only eat you up inside until one day you explode and say things that you will regret. Just talk to her calmly and ask her why she feels you will make things worse. Tell her you want to be there for her to support her and to listen to her and comfort her. It sounds to me like she just doesn't trust you enough to open up to you and believe me this is not a good sign. So you need to get to the bottom of it now before you end up really miserable.
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