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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi!I have been engaged for 3 years. We have been going through some time with long distance because of job situations. We have had ups and downs in the relationship but managed to work it out for the time being. I feel that if my fiance doesn't get what he wants, it's either his way or the highway. If I do not compromise with everything that he wants, he'll throw out an argument at me to the point that I do break down and cry and feel so terrible for living and then he will blame it all on me and that it is my fault because I have started the situation(s) in which then I just start apologizing for everything...I feel that he is manipulating me as a person, my strenghts, my weaknesses, all of my personality. My question is, what can I do to stop this behaviour at one point? Please and Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, One Of The Ancients +, writes (31 July 2006):
Why do you want to marry someone like this?
You've had three years to work out that he isn't going to change. There's nothing you can do to "stop this behaviour" because it isn't yours to change. Only he can do that, and he chooses not to.
So, I ask you again: why do you want to marry someone like this?
You and he need to work out some ways to compromise that don't leave you in tears. That's obvious. You're feeling that he manipulates you... Well, I don't see that in your letter, but the feeling is clearly there, so why do you allow it?
The only change that you can make to this situation is to change your response to it. Your fiance sounds like a loon to me, and you'd be foolish to cement a relationship with a loon.
What you can do is refuse to be manipulated. You can refuse to give in, unless he also compromises. You can refuse to accept blame when it's not yours.
Or, perhaps crucially, you can walk away from a toxic relationship.
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