A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About one year ago, i found a tape of my boyfriend and his ex having sex. I threw it away and he rerecorded it over one of my tapes. I still can't get over it but he tells me that we need to move on. It's been over a year since it happened. It still hurts me everyday. How am I supposed to get over it and trust him again?
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (23 June 2008):
 You Said: "He continually lied to me about having it"
Ok, so from what I gather, it isn't that he cheated on you (correct me if I am wrong about cheating), the issue is trust in that he lied to you about having it. If you knew the truth would you demand that he get rid of it? If so, does this mean that you have gotten rid of every flower remains, love letters, gifts, etc...of all your past relationships? What I am trying to understand is if you are demanding something from him that you would not do yourself.
As for lying to you, he should not have lied. That was wrong. However, if he figured you could not handle the truth, perhaps you need to think about that dynamic of your relationship given that you want to make things work with him.
You said "the girl was someone i've known and never liked. she cheated on him throughout their whole relationship."
Like her or not, she is part of his past. Do they have children together? If so, she will continue to be a part of his life and this is something you may have to come to terms with. She may have treated him poorly, but it is up to him to move on from her, which he seems to have done. He is with you now.
You said: Is there some reason i should grow up when he apparently can't get over her?
He should not have lied to you, however I wonder how you would have felt about the tape if it was someone you liked instead of hated. You are ASSUMING that he still carries a torch for her. He might just like having a video of his sex with her with NO desire to be with her again. If you sense that he still loves his ex, that is a separate issue which having that tape or not would not affect.
Just because people (men and women) carry mementos of their past relationships does not mean they love their new partners less. My wife has material things from her past relationships, and so do I. We share them now together. This does not mean hanging up pictures of our exs over the fireplace, but we each have a past, and photo albums on shelves have pictures that are just a each others past. And yes, some of those mementos are sex related and we enjoy them as a couple too.
If you accept your bf, then you must accept his past, just as he must accept yours. IF you are going to be threatened by his past, and not focus on the present you are trying to work out with him THAT is where the growing up needs to happen.
-Frank
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): This is my question. I want to answer some of yours so maybe you will understand a little better. We have a baby together which is why I'm still with him. I want to try to make it work. He had a smaller tape from the video recorder and just recorded it over one of my tapes after i threw that one in the garbage. He continually lied to me about having it, and the girl was someone i've known and never liked. she cheated on him throughout their whole relationship. Is there some reason i should grow up when he apparently can't get over her?
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A
male
reader, Jamer70  +, writes (11 June 2008):
 Saying you have to grow up could be a little harsh, but is still justified. (im assuming he didnt cheat on you, and this tape was made during their relationship)
If this is the fact, the fact that this still bothers you after a year is worrying, as at your age you should relise your bf would of had sex before with other girls.
You may have self esteem issues and you may need help with this
Plus how did you throw it out and record over it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I don't think you need to grow up as you have a valid reason to be upset, but I do think if this is bothering you on a daily basis after over a year then there is a good chance that you will never get over it whilst you are still with him.
After all this time, the only thing I can think of that might help is counselling, have you considered that?
Or has the relationship, if you are being honest with yourself, ran its course already? Sometimes people get so hurt by something in a relationship they become insecure and needy and it is their insecurity and that keeps them in the relationship, rather than what was once love.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (10 June 2008):
Did he cheat on you, or was this before you two become a couple? If he cheated on you, this is a different story. If it was from before you guys met, then it really is none of your business, and you need to grow up.
I don't understand something in the post. How could be have recorded it over your tape if you threw his tape out? Can you please be more clear?
-Frank B Kermit
www.frankadviceforwomen.com
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2008): I can understand that this upset you and is hurting you, but what I cannot understand is: What are you still doing with him around?
If there is no trust, there is no reason to waste your life!
Move on!
Get out of this relationship and find somebody who you can trust and who woll not hurt you like this.
Somebody who will love and respect!
You have dignity and self respect, dump him, he does not deserve your love!
Start going out with friends and meet new people!
Good luck!
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