A
male
age
41-50,
*ongo31277
writes:I have been in a monogamous relationship for 9 years. As time has gone on, my partners sex drive has tapered off, and now is none existent. I have tried talking to him about it, he went to the doctor, I have tried making romantic getaways, and a GREAT many other things. I love him and find him very attractive, but sex is important to me. I want to stay committed, but the temptations get harder every day. It has been 4+ years since we have had "sex" and the heavy petting is now even starting to go by the wayside. What do I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): He will not let you go elsewhere for work? He doesn't want to talk about your concerns; instead he fights about an issue as important as intimacy? He's full of crap if he doesn't know why.
Start looking for a job and gain some independence. His possessiveness is his problem to deal with, not yours. How long will you live under his thumb? He no longer has sex drive and controls your life.
Well, I don't think it will be much longer before your heart and mind dance in sync right out the door. "Love" is not synonymous with "imprisonment."
Living under a sentence of celibacy is his idea not yours. When was the last time you were both tested for HIV? I'm not trying to start another battle. I'm just going by the information you've provided. If there's nothing physically wrong, then he just lost interest in sex. I'm just not buying that.
Are either of you HIV positive? Could he have gotten the news, and failed to inform you out of fear you would leave?
You're 36 years old. You are young and healthy. Sex isn't the only problem in your relationship. Grow up and save yourself.
A
male
reader, Congo31277 +, writes (26 July 2013):
Congo31277 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs far as what the doctor said, he found no reason for it. My Partner is 49, and I am 36. I have tried many times to talk with him, in fact, when I wrote the original question last night, we ended up fighting about it. I ask, and he says, "I don't know". I honestly believe he cares, and he might have no idea why, but none the less it is driving me mad. I should have also mentioned, we work together daily, and I feel that might play a big part in this, but he will not let me go elsewhere for work. He is real possesive. I know with all my heart he loves me, and I tell him all the time, when he rebuffs my advances, etc. it makes me feel worse of myself. How do you tell your heart what your brain already knows?? I really wish I knew.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2013): You don't mention your partner's age or the results of his doctor's visit. So it isn't easy to give you advice on so little information. It just sounds like he has lost his attraction for you. I'll offer some generalizations for you to ponder.
Your boyfriend isn't being totally honest with you. He doesn't want to give up what he has with you, for whatever reason; but he isn't keeping up his end of the relationship.
Unless you know for certain from his doctor, there is some physiological reason for his impotence; it is only in your case he is not sexually responsive.
I am gay also. It is not uncommon in our relationships for our monogamous partners to show a reduced interest in sexual activity with us. It may be due to a number of reasons.
I've talked to as many gay men as I can. Friends and just guys in general, and the common response seems to be boredom. They get used to the same sex partner, or the same positions. If one partner is always the bottom and the other is always the top; and there are no variations, it becomes routine. Sex is predictable, and the thrill is gone.
If there is no true passion in love-making, and it is just a mechanical performance. Only one partner may be satisfied; while the other is just being submissive.
If there is one partner who is used to having a variety of partners before committing to a monogamous relationship, they soon long for the days they were able to go from one guy to the next. That occurs after seven years into a relationship, then comes the mid-life crisis.
The fear of getting older. The hair turning gray, or losing it altogether. The changes in the elasticity of the skin, new wrinkles forming. Awareness of your mortality and feeling unattractive to younger gay men.
Younger gay men tend to be very ageist and cruel toward older gay men. They truly believe their youth is infinite and they will not age like the rest of us.
They live for the present, and believe they have many years ahead to worry about the things I've described. They will make faces and taunting remarks in the presence of older men, and this sometimes cuts deeply. Their cruelty is well-practiced and rehearsed; so they can't wait for an opportunity for a victim.
Your partner may have been verbally-abused for his age. If you're over 35, the insults will come. It doesn't bother most of us, but there are a few who are quite sensitive. Especially if they were extremely attractive in their younger years. Or if they're tired of always being attacked for not being attractive. The cruelty breaks the spirit.
There may also be a few unresolved issues within your relationship. Control issues, bullying, substance abuse, physical/verbal abuse; or selfishness. Or any combination, if not all of the above.
If you have a history of cheating; even if it may have happened only once. The residual memory and pain caused by the incident may revisit him so often that it becomes an obsession in his mind. Some people just don't get over betrayal.
He himself may be involved in an active or past affair. His guilt will eventually catch up with him, or he can't keep up the facade of innocence. It takes it's toll.
Also consider, there is the weight-gain and hair-loss that comes with age. Some gay men are so caught up with looks, that they don't handle aging well, either in themselves or their partners.
The first place this problem becomes evident is in the bedroom. If he has issues about his appearance, or yours, he just isn't going to show much interest in sex.
Then there is the worst case scenario. He loves you; but he is no longer in-love with you. He just keeps the relationship going; but refuses to breakup with you.
He might hang on for financial reasons. He fears being alone as he grows older. Your finances are intertwined, and he doesn't want to give up the life-style you've created together. He may fear you finding someone else, and he may not be able to deal with the thought.
The examples I've set for you are generally the issues that cause a lack of sexual attraction in gay-male relationships. You've gone out of your way to be considerate and to regenerate the passion.
If none of that has worked; then you need to get him to talk, and be honest with you.
If he is taking medication for diabetes, high-blood pressure, or anxiety, these medications can lower sex-drive. However; I believe all of the above examples should be explored and discussed with your partner.
I was in a relationship for 28 years. He died of cancer 7 years ago. He was a type-A personality, attractive, made good money, and was used to having his way. I'm far from being a submissive type, so he had his hands full too. I have no problem in communication. I was able to get him to open up to me, and we worked out most problems. He lost his hair, and his self-esteem plummeted. He envied how I aged slower, and still have all my hair. He became mean, and often accused me of flaunting my looks. I'm comfortable with myself, and wasn't going to let him pull me down; because he had an issue with nature. Sex began to disappear. He wouldn't talk about it. I remained loyal and faithful regardless. I loved him so deeply.
In my case, I discovered he was on medication for the treatment of his cancer, and he hid it from me. It was
untreatable and a rapid form. It was unfair how he handled it. He was mean and resentful for several months, and I didn't know why until the end.
Talk to him. Make him confess what is going on. Tell him that it isn't fair and he should consider the feelings on both sides. If he doesn't want to be open and honest; then you'll have to consider giving up the relationship.
Not only because of the lack of sex; because of the lack of communication and transparency a relationship needs in order to survive.
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A
female
reader, oolagoob  +, writes (26 July 2013):
 Have you tried actually discussing this with him?
He needs to know (although i'm sure he does after knowing you for 9 years) that sex is something very important to you.
You need to decide if this is worth losing your relationship over. Speak to him and find out why he doesnt want to have sex. It might be something you can work at. Maybe you guys would both be OK with having a more open relationship.
If you agree to work something out then give it a month and see how it goes, if you dont feel differently best just to end it.
Theres no point being unhappy in a relationship. Don't feel guilty for ending it, just remember its your life and you owe yourself happiness before you owe anyone else.
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