A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Last night I bumped into my ex at a function. I am likely to have to see him fairly regularly at these events and I want to go because it's the only place I see a lot of acquaintances but it was difficult.I was dating this guy for two and a half months which I know is an incredibly short period of time but I genuinely fell in love with him. He was basically my dream guy. I'm not saying he was perfect but he was the person I wanted to be with. He left me without giving a clear reason. I have tortured myself over the why of it. I think he freaked out about how serious things were and I don't think he was in the right place for a relationship. All he said was he just felt like he should be alone. Now, I have had a 4 year relationship end last year and I was devastated for a few weeks before realising that it was the right thing and that he hadn't made me happy. This time was different. I wasn't devastated at first but I've felt unhappy about it, confused, hurt and missed him like crazy for 3 months now. I am aware this seems silly. That's longer than we dated for. I don't know why I'm unable to get over it. It's not like I've stayed in every night. I've got on with my life. I've been all over the world since we broke up. I've hung out with friends. I've done my best to have a good time and sometimes it's worked but I still miss him. My friend pushed me to attend the society event last night saying that I shouldn't rearrange my social life because of my ex. It was less awkward than I expected it to be but he ignored/avoided me which confused me. He was the one who ended it so you'd think he'd be fine just chatting and being civil. I smiled and said hi when I saw him and he said hi back then ran away. Overall I guess it wasn't a total disaster but it has just made me sad and has really proven to me that I'm not over him. I am planning to go to the same society event next week but I don't know if it's a good idea any more. Should I go? And otherwise how do I get over him? I'm tired of feeling sad.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2013):
 Of course you should go to these events. You go on with your life normally. It's just a break up, not World War 3. If you go to a bank / supermarket / club etc which he patronizes too- you keep going there. Maybe crossing your fingers hoping you don't meet him, but if you do, you roll with the punches, it's not the end of the world. You just accept that there will be moments that will feel uncomfortable. So what ? Do you plan a lifetime with no challenges, no difficulties, no uncomfortable/sad/tense / awkward moments ? Good luck, I sincerely wish you the best, but I have strong doubts about your possibilities of actually getting it.
As for your update, I think you alreday know you should not bother with this guy. He gave you the most textbook ,classic " I am just not that into you " ever. You feel you got no closure, but, there's nothing to close really. The guy DID like you enough to try dating you, but he realized that he did not like you enough to be in a long term committed relationship with you. That's what dating is for- to get the feel if things can go further and deeper, or not. Very often one thinks yes, and the other thinks no. Of course it sucks for the party who thinks yes,- particularly if she/he "fell in love " ( i.e. got seriously infatuated, because at 2 and a half months it's still all about dreams and expectations and projections of your desires over someone whom you don't even know enough for loving him / her ) . But, you'll get over it in time - if you starve your infatuation rather than feeding it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2013): I find it curious that he suddenly contacts you, the timing is quite interesting. An amazing coincidence.
I read and answer hundreds of posts on this site. I can sense when the OP is adding fluff; or the comments seem contrived. I'm not sure of the authenticity of added comments.
Events seem to contradict previous information. Facts seem to change from paragraph to paragraph. Someone says something you don't like; information changes to skirt or dismiss it.
I'm glad Daisy Daisy was able to help. From my point of view, something is a little off.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (2 October 2013):
 I'm glad that what I wrote helped.
Three months is still early stages, even if it was a short relationship. Especially if you felt such a strong connection. I can see how the 4 year thing in the title was misleading.
If I were you, I'd give him a wide berth for as long as you need before you feel comfortable bumping in to him. I know that might mean sacrificing some social events, but your well being is more important.
If you're not comfortable meeting him for a "catch up" then don't. I have a bad feeling about that scenario, but take that with a grain of salt because I don't know you or him. I'm repeating myself, but always trust your gut instincts.
It's ok to feel sad and to miss him. You have to go through that phase, and yes it's hard but it's early days.
All the best, give it time x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst I just want to say thanks Daisy_Daisy. Your reply was really helpful and I think you are probably right. It is just a bit difficult because I don't know many people in this town and I really liked the people I knew at that society, but don't feel close enough to meet up with them outside the society as friends. So I don't exactly feel obliged to go, I just wish he wasn't there. No contact has been very helpful in the past when I was getting over people but not contacting this guy in the last few months hasn't changed the way I felt bumping into him again. Secondly, to everyone who assumes I lost my virginity to him, you're wrong. I lost my virginity years ago, to my boyfriend of 4 years before him. (The site seems to have got confused with this question they made for me, it has not been 4 years since I broke up with this guy, it's been 3 months.) Incidentally, I got over the ex I lost my virginity to much easier than I'm getting over this guy, because I knew he was wrong for me. Why do people assume everything is about sex? Sex is just one part of a relationship and I feel sorry for you if it's the be all and end all of your lives.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (1 October 2013):
Hi OP, he might have suggested meeting up in order to clear the air so he doesn't feel so awkward next time you're at the same social event. Is that something you could handle? Maybe he feels so guilty or uncomfortable that he feels he must smooth things over; or maybe he wants a second chance. It's impossible to guess.
Back to your original post: some people really do get under the skin, much more so than others. I've been in a similar situation recently (short relationship, huge attachment), and the way I got over it was to cut all contact. It was relatively easy because he and I never mix in the same circles. That said, relatively easy felt like bloody torture at the time!
While your friend is kind of right that you shouldn't have to rearrange your social life because of an ex, if it's in your own best interests then you're not obliged to attend these shared social functions. Likewise you're not obliged to meet him to clear the air (or whatever his motive is) if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Trust your gut instincts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): You're obsessing over the guy. He used you, and you've been unable to come to terms why, and now it's become a mission to find some sort of closure. You've convinced yourself he owes you something in exchange for your virginity. Sorry, but life can be inconvenient sometimes. So we make the best of it and learn from our mistakes.
Your closure will come when you decide to let go. If you can't, seek counseling to determine why you are obsessing for so long; and to see if you can work on your abandonment issue.
You may have had a long relationship; but that could have been held together by emotional dependency. You were obsessing over your ex the whole time; so the four-year relationship may not have been based entirely on love.
You can't argue that didn't love the other guy exclusively.
The length of a relationship is no proof that it was a good or successful relationship. It could have been tumultuous the entire time. I think we know at least one reason, if it was.
You've formed a fixation on the first guy. I don't believe it's by any coincidence that you always show up at events when you know he'll be there. Give us a break here.
You have a strong capacity to love and care for someone. It just so happens it all fixated on a jerk. He hurt you deeply, and it really isn't your fault. Not at all.
You feel he could give you relief, if he'd just admit he was sorry he took your innocence, and just abandoned you.
Just show a molecule of caring. Acknowledge that he knows what you felt about him. Truth is, he doesn't care.
He doesn't know how deeply that may bother you, he just thinks you're crazy. You're not, he didn't realize the depth of your feelings at the time. So it left you a little scarred. This happened because he was your first, and that's the hardest to get over.
Psychologically, you weren't prepared to handle anything that could have gone wrong, when you decided to give up your virginity. Like many girls, you romanticized the whole
event; and your expectations were based entirely on fantasy.
We've all been there. Happens to guys and girls.
The trauma is similar to being raped or sexually abused. It wasn't abuse or rape; because it was consensual sex. It was an act of love for you, and just an act of sex for him. You have a sense of regret, shame,and a remorse for giving something you can't take back.
However; I think if you saw a counselor, it would help you a lot. I just hope you don't lose that part of you that makes you such a caring person, because of that jerk. It happens to lots of young girls, and most survive it. You will too.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (1 October 2013):
 This 2 1/2 month old relationship that you haven't gotten over, by chance did you lose your virginity to him? If so, that explains what is going on. Many times women get irrationally chemically attached and bonded to their "first", so to speak, and rationality gets thrown out the window. If this guy had sex with you and then bolted after 2 1/2 months, he could be avoiding you because he used you for sex.
Either way, you need to get over the guy. Just because there was a chemical bonding thing doesn't mean the guy really matters in the scheme of things. So let your brain override the chemicals and stop acting irrational about him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. It's good to know I'm not the only one who can fall for someone so quickly and care so much. I hope I manage to get to the place you are at and I'm glad things worked out for you.
This afternoon, just after I posted, he texted me saying that he felt bad about the way he left things and that he wanted to meet up and catch up. I've agreed but he hasn't texted back since. I have no idea what's going on in his head. I probably shouldn't have agreed. I really don't want him to cancel/ not bother texting back now but I also don't know what this might achieve.
Do you think I should cancel on him? Gah I'm so confused!
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2013): What you've just described is completely normal... Every ex leaves an emotional scar, which is much harder to heal if the relationship ended without closure... You have a lot of unanswered questions that you're overanalysing, but you can't know what's going through his head... The truth is it really sunds like he's just not mentally or emotionally mature enough for a committed relationship... Even if he's in one now, it's not going to last .... And if it does well it just means there wasn't that compatibility between you both. I saw a guy for about a month, a bit complicated we both rejected each other at one point... I didnt take it too well, I wanted answers he ignored my messages, pretty much told my Friend to leave him alone... I didn't get over it for YEARS. Does he deserve ANY of the time, emotion I wasted wondering about him? No... But without that closure most people drive themselves crazy... What can you do? Put it down to you're not gunna know the answer by pondering/ overanalysing... Even if you ask him he may make up an excuse...This is something that you just have to write off... One day that wound will fully heal, you'll have an epiphany and realise he's not worth a fraction of a thought... I can now be in the same room (we go to the same places as well) with that guy, when for years I would shake, room would go blurry, panic pretty much have a nervous breakdown! It will just take time and self love. Take care of yourself, you'll be ok :) xx
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