A
female
age
51-59,
*onfused1973
writes:I am not for sure where to even begin. Here it goes!My BF and I have been together for 4years in the beginning of our relationship I cheated on him. I know it was wrong and I am not excusing myself for this, after a year he found out about it, and I finally came clean I couldn't take it anymore! We decided to stay in the relationship try and make it work. I understand that by what I done elimates the go as I please clause. I knew this when I decided I wanted to make this relationship work. For over 3 years now, I've done everything I could possibly think of to make this man understand that I Am Not Cheating on him, I call him from work, I make sure that when I say I'm going to be home at a certain time I am here. You name it, I've done it! But to be honest He's Driving Me Crazy! What makes it so bad, is when he accuses me its stupid stuff! Telling me that things have been moved, or who's coat is this? and when I tell him its His Coat he explodes and says that I am seeing someone else! Damn its his jacket! what makes this so bad is he works 3rd shift, tonight was a normal Accusing me night! I am so tired of assuring him that I am not cheating! Some times he will accuse me and its so stupid I have to ask him where did you get that information? and of course he won't tell me! Childish things like that and its driving me nuts! I know that cheating was wrong and I can only say I'm sorry so many times, assure him so many times, and explain and RE-explain myself so many times! and when I try and tell him he really starting to wear the whole accusing thing in the ground, he takes my words and twist them to the point I'm like hell I forgot what I said!.. What he fails to realize is that in the beginning we would go weeks without sex, but I would come home and find he's alread done his thing to a porno! When I would ask him about it, it was a fight! I felt that he wanted the porn more than me! I am not a ugly woman, but I didn't know how to handle this from a man! Or when we did have sex, it was so fast, I was left thinking "what just happened"? I know this is not an excuse to cheat for anyone, but I suppose what you won't do for your woman there's always an EX boyfriend who will...... I just need some advice Is this relationship better off over? or is there some other kind of way I can approach this. Everytime I say something to him about accussing me, he always gives the same answer "You Did This, You Cheated Not Me".... I'm at witts end!
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female
reader, Bianca301192  +, writes (21 February 2008):
to be honest im being blunt here.You cheated - he'll never get over it, as you were heartless. Sorry sometimes just isn't good enough.And him looking at porn, he was in the wrong too.I honestly think - move on.
A
male
reader, chlez83  +, writes (21 February 2008):
Believe me as man who's been cheated on,even though i wouldn't be vocally abusive like your man,i understand what is going through his mind.As for all men(and maybe women) who've been cheated on,there's always the BIG question,if s/he's cheated on me before can she do it again.It's hard to trust someone after they've cheated on you and it takes time for your partner to regain trust.I guess for your partner,i don't see that happening and i think time has come to make a decision about your future together.Hope you'll make da right decision but to be honest what's the point of being in a relationship where you are unhappy?
Good Luck
Take care.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 If you love him and want a better relationship with him , you need to withdraw from him till he wants to come back to you on your terms.
He has to grow up and move on with your past.. You do not have to suffer all your life for a mistake in the past.
If you are not happy, you can leave because he does not know how to give you happiness but only pain.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 February 2008):
 Your right, there is never an excuse for cheating. It's a choice, not influenced by anything else. The "not getting enough thing" that's still an activity, which is still separate from the act of cheating, and is still a concious choice.
You made the choice to cheat. He made the choice to fogive you. You both made the choice to work it out. That's about as complicated as it should be. The problem lies with trust. His "running it into the ground" is his way of validating that everything at the moment is still okay.
You say you're not ugly, and I'm not saying different, but from a males point of view, what's running through his head is based off fear. He's doing what's called (i didn't make up the name) "mental masterbation" Here's an example of what someone who's cheated on thinks "she's pretty, she cheated on me before, I know other guys look at her, if one looks and winks, since she cheated before is she strong enough to avoid the temptation of doing it again." or "when we had issues at the beginning, she resorted to cheating, so if we have a small problem or is she's upset with me for any reason, is her way of dealing with it running to someone else's bed."
When you cheated you created fear. Fear that's he's not good enough for you because you went somewhere else. Fear that you're not strong enough to avoid being sexually tempted.
Now admitingly you cheated, and he forgave, so now all that he's doing no longer has to do with the act you took part in. It's him and they're his actions. Just as you owned up to cheating, he has to own up to his behaivors now and realize how they are inapropriate, and are causeing damage to your relationship. He also needs to take the act and separate it from you. Cheating just as any other behavior is an action. The action is in the past, but he keeps it surfaced as if it's still current. All though his methods of dealing with this are equally damaging as the cheating, the pain he may feel is still a present pain. Even though it happened a while ago, he's still thinking "how can this person say they want to be with me, but then do this to me."
If I were you,I'd talk to him, but not in an apologetic way. That's already been settled. Ask him why he's afraid. If he says he's not, let him know he wouldn't be acting like this if he wasn't. Saying sorry at this point won't work. Some things people do, if they were sorry, it's the belief they wouldn't have done it in the first place.
You guys may need couples counseling to learn techniques in dealing with this.
I want you to remember something for the future. I study psychological based trauma, from child hood abuse, sexual assaults, death, visual by witnessing events, rape, etc. There are different levels of trauma people receive and can develop long term difficulties from it. All though the trauma in being cheated on is different. The level of trauma from being cheated on by a large number of men and women is at the same level most rape victims endure. I have seen people who were cheated on receive post traumatic stress disorders, develop intimacy fears, establish mental blocks to separate their emotions, causing them to mentally detatch themselves from falling in love with someone. Just remember if your ever tempted again, the level of psychological damage you may potentially cause someone else. Then ask yourself if "not getting enough" is it okay to permanentally damage someone else to fulfill your own desire.
I hope this helps. I'm not judging you, or jumping on you for your actions, I only want to make you aware of what this "too common" action can cause. I get worried about the direction relationships in general are going when I talk to men and woman and to know the high level of traumatic damage they carry around with them stems off someone else's action. Take care, good luck with everything.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (21 February 2008):
 Speaking from experience with a cheater, he will never trust you again. It is pretty apparent that he does not so now. This behavior will most likely continue on his part. I'm not going to blame you, as you say you've done everything possible to try to prove that you have changed your ways. I think however, that in light of recent developments, it may be wise to walk away and start anew with someone else.
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