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anonymous
writes:Split up with my husband 4 months ago, not because we don't love each other any more, in fact we're quite nuts about each other, but because there are many factors we just can't seem to overcome - culture differences, huge age difference which became a problem because of not wanting the same things, communication problems because of language difficulties and him having an eating disorder, which means we can't go away together, eat togther, eat out, etc etc. So there was a lot going on. However, like I said we do love each other a lot - its just not enough, and so we have parted. I've had health problems due to all of this and asked for a months space to recover a bit, which he's given me. Problem is though I know this is not good for me - and I'm having counselling and working on myself on many different levels, he doesn't want to get any help, so its much harder when only one of you is doing the work. But hell I miss him so much. Don't want to live with him any more, but just can't seem to let go. Any suggestions please? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, once again I agree with everything you say. I thought when we parted that would be enough. At first he made promises that he would go, but he never. I know I can't control this and I have to let it go. So damned hard. I saw him at the weekend just to say hi, and I was all messed up inside after, and I know he was too. I think I'm going to just put it to him that we be like mates now, cus its obvious the pain of being apart is too great for both of us, and so is the pain of being together for me, so maybe that will be a good option. Then just leave it up to the Gods I guess. Thanks for your time. God bless. xx
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reader, rcn  +, writes (11 October 2010):
 Letting go is hard. I doesn't mean you don't love him. He needs help, and maybe one day he'll realize he can no longer travel down the path he's been going, and seek the help he needs. Unfortunately you can't force change, even if we could, it'd be short lived. He needs to be in a place in his life that the only option left is to change. Once he does, it'll be permanent. I hope everything works out for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh thanks Ren, that is such a lovely and considered reply, and it helps a lot because what you are saying is everything I've done. Yes he does know he has an eating disorder but believes no one can help him - truth is I think he's just too scared to address it. Its more like an ocd than anything, and he is also suffering from post traumatic stress too from a very violent army experience. I have found 3 different types of help for him and he has refused them all. We are no longer living together and though I know that breaks his heart, he doesn't answer when I ask him how he can throw away something he loves so much when he has it in his hands to begin to make a change. I've even offered to go with him, but all to no avail. And yes I agree entirely about the different interests. Our lives are so diverse we share nothing - and whilst that is good if you have quality time when you are together, but if your time together is mostly about him sleeping and you waiting around bored for a few minutes of his time, then its not good. I know I can't go back to this. But hell its tough when the love is still there. I have just reached the stage in my life where I want to enjoy myself, and I'm not doing that so thats why I feel its time to let go, its the letting go thats so hard. Thanks so much for your reply.
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reader, rcn +, writes (9 October 2010):
There would be a lot that needs worked on. He does realize he has an eating disorder and that it strains your being together? You are doing what you need to. Keep doing it. All you can do is ask him to get help, but that is ultimately his decision. In doing so, all you can do is tell the truth. Let him know how much these issues affect you, and that you do love him, but can't be with him because of how all these factors affect your happiness, and what you deserve out of a marriage. I would also remind him of what you two have together and how much you love one another, and that by working on this together, how it's possible for your lives together to be amazing. Ask him if the pain of change is greater than his love for you.
Maybe if he comes to the realization that by not facing these issues he will loose you, that might be the motivator needed to prompt change. From his end, and having the eating disorder. I would recommend seeing a neuro-linguistic programmer, with counseling as a secondary measure to maintain a positive direction. NLP is the study of the language of the mind, and is used often with success in those with eating disorders. In a way, it's reprogramming his perception of eating and by doing so, his eating habits would improve. Now, you will always enjoy different things, but you will also enjoy doing the same things as well. Your relationship doesn't mean you both have to enjoy everything together. There has to be some individuality in both of you, and freedom to take part in what you enjoy. I feel the best relationships are when one has their life, the other has theirs, then the two of you share one.
If it doesn't work out. The best thing for you is to do exactly what you are doing now. Change is often hard, but creates new opportunities. It is okay to say that you love him, but can't be with him because you need to protect yourself and have the opportunity to experience your life, without compromising yourself for anyone else.
I hope this helps, take care.
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