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anonymous
writes: We have grown children , but they are very troubled. Drugs.etc.. And there is a lots of bad news about them, but my husband started to not care about them.He refuses to care about them. He was always trying to keep himself away from painful stuff, , but in the last few years he gets totally sick of it , if I try to complain to him about my sorrow.He sway qiut this. So what can you do about IT? Does worry help you at all? And now I started to hate him...I really can't believe, he does not want to care.Like he is totally fedup or something.This are our own children , how can he not care?He says there is nothing you can do, so quit looking for answers .Now I really don't know what to think. Is he right?Maybe I'm wrong, or he is trying to not face the truth?Right now, I feel like leaving him, but we live together 2o something years long marriage. Is he turning to be a monster? Or am I too sensitive? What should I think?
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reader, Sandman  +, writes (17 August 2009):
 Well - this is a hard one.
There are parents out there that will do ANYTHING for their children, even when they've grown and are out of the house. But then there are parents who really want their children to "fly the coup" - get out on your own and figure out "life" for themselves. Neither school of thought is wrong per se, it's just a matter of opinion that determines which side of the fence the parents will stand on.
And the reason this is hard is because you state that your children are grown. So technically, there really isn't anything you can do. By all accounts they are grown and are making decisions about their own lives and how they choose to live them. Of course as a parent, you don't wish to see your children struggle with things if you know you can help them - but when the issue is drugs and things like that, it is very, VERY hard to help the person until they want the help for themselves. Take it from me - I have five siblings who ALL have/had struggles with various drugs from marijuana, cocaine, crack cocaine, and meth. No matter how much we as the family tried to get them help, it was all for naught until they themselves got fed up with their lifestyle and vowed to turn it around.
This isn't to say you can't help your children. You as a parent will do what you want when it comes to your child. But let it be known that it is virtually a waste of time when the person doesn't WANT help. Or even when they say they want help, they never follow through with it. So your husband not wanting to get involved in his grown children's state of affairs is HIS choice. It's not wrong or right, it's just how he chooses to deal with his children. You on the other hand can choose to offer them whatever help you can - because you CAN. If you want to spend your time doing things for them and with them, then fine. But you can't expect your husband to do the same because that's not how HE chooses to deal with his grown children.
So, there really is nothing you can do. AND, there is something you can do. Either way is neither right or wrong. It's how you choose to perceive the problem and how you choose to act upon it. But do not leave your husband because he doesn't agree with you. Simply do what you desire to do for your children. If he chooses to help, then great. If not, then that's his choice and he shouldn't be seen as a monster because his grown children are behaving like children.
Hope this helps.
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