A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23, and engaged, to man who is 39. There is no question about the fact we are very much in love. We've already been through much together in the years we have known eachother, including both having abusive relationships, and being there for the other. He thinks he's too old, to have another kid (he has one (16 year old) from when he was married, mother has custody, he has visits.)I want to have a child of our own, without doubt... He's worried he's too old. I have a hard time seeing that, because my parents were around his age when they had me. Plus, nowadays, with how older people are having kids...If we can't come to an agreement, that we'll try, or adopt, even with how happy he makes me, the idea of not having a child to dote upon and watch grow, leaves a crushing feeling in my chest- I know if he's not even willing to try, that over time, and not having a child, will more than likely cause resentment, and I don't want to go through that.Any suggestions on what to say to him to make him understand just how important it is to me?What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question*** There was a missed word in my post, I am NOT making it an ultimatum, I'm leaving it quite open. So, NOT. I am NOT making it an ultimatum. LOL. .
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input, I appretiate it.
I'm definitely going to keep talking trying to see whats going on in his mind.
I know he loves kids, and there has been times, he sees father and sons on TV,in life, or what have you, and he says, he could definitely see himself doing that if he had a son that age. (Dancing, playing ball, whatever happens to be on. The child he does have is a daughter.)
I've already decided that if he won't find a way to come to a mutual agreement on this, that I would have to think really hard on this.
Adoption is something I am open to, although I would love to have my own, I also know there are many kids, who don't have a loving home, and who deserve it.
I think it's that he feels he will be old when the child is grown, and I'm not one of the types who think the only way to adopt a child is if it's a baby. Thats not the point in adoption to me.
I am making it an ultimatum, not telling him, I definitely want a child, though I do, but all I really want from him, is to be willing to try.
I am a leave it Fate type. If it's meant to be, it will be, but how can it be left to Fate if he's not willing to give it the chance to be either way.
Marriage is still quite some time away, although no definite date is set. So plenty of time to figure this out.
I do understand the energy level quite well actually, at least, better than most my age. I have had Rheumatoid Arthritis since I was -7, and my 20, I'm going to say, was about the equivalent to 40 when it comes to energy. Which of course, kind of makes the desire to have a child even stronger. I want to be able to play, and travel, and be able to do things with a child, while I can. It's only been getting worse, and I haven't found a medicine that helps ease it yet either. Young in age, yes, but old, body, mind and soul.
So theres more information about the situation.
Thank you again. =)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2009): I could be that he understands quite well how important it is to you, but that he really can't face the idea of doing it again.
Some men just love kids, love everything to do with them, and have no trouble with the idea of having more, whatever the age. My father remarried at 50 and had two more kids.
On the other hand, some are marked by the very real restriction babies put on your life -- at least if you're a responsible parent. And by how much they can get in the way of the parents' relationship. It might be that he's thinking in those terms, particularly since his marriage to his child's mother didn't work out.
And, too, if you're 23, you can't appreciate the change in your energy level that happens as you approach 40. He might very well be thinking that kids you and he had together would be short-changed by such an old 'old man.'
Good for you for having this conversation before you tie the knot. I can't think of many things that are more important to have solid communication about before the fact. That you want kids is perfectly valid; that he may not is also valid. If it's that important to you, and you can't persuade him, then you need to seriously rethink whether he's right for you. So keep talking, and try to find out what's really going on in his head.
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