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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: my bf told me that he loves me so much and he dont want to lose me, but because of his doings that he still supporting his ex financially i broke up with him,but before this break up happened weve talked bout this problem and his asking me to be considerate of the situation for his ex cannot support herself yet but this made me jealous. he said he loves me and promised me to take care of this problem,but still im thinking that they might get back in each other's arms if this will take long, he told me that,he never imagined himself marrying his ex in the future.this makes me felt ok in away, but still it bothers me too much till ive decided to broke up with him,he said he cant take it to lose me but if thats my descision then he will respect it anyway and telling me that he's not yet ready then to get married or to have a serious relationship for the moment coz his not yet financially stable.the question is, prior to the break up were planning to have a business in my name but were the one who will work for it with his capital and with my promotion.then now, i changed my mind not to continue the said plan but he told me that this will help our life in the future, what will i do? will i go continue to have a business with him or to say no i cant? why is he doing this with me and not to another person? then his still calling me in the telephone.what for? im still in love with him.please help me what to do. thanks in advance for the advices
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (14 January 2007):
Your situation is about choices. Your bf has chosen to financially help his ex. You do not give reasons why he is doing this, but he has chosen to take responsibility for someone who he has been close with in the past. That is fine for him to choose, but it does affect you and how you feel, so you have decided that you don't agree, and have broken up with him. You also say that he is supporting his ex, and that at another time he says he is not ready to have a serious relationship at the moment because he is financially unstable. So his actions are putting pressure on your relationship.
Additionally there is the problem that you don't trust him and are jealous. You say you are worried about him going back to his ex, even though he says otherwise. So there are 2 problems.
To fix the financial issue, you can do one of two things. First, you could sit down with him and try to reach a compromise, something that might not be everything you want, but that is definitely something you can accept. Ask him what his plan is, discuss it so that you are happy to accept his plan, and make him stick to it. For example, if he says he is going to support his ex for the next 2 years, you might feel that creates too much pressure on your relationship and you are not prepared to go through it. On the other hand, if he says he only intends to help her out for a month until she gets a job, well, that might not be unacceptable. Know what your limit is.
The second thing you could try is look at his point of view, and his ex's. If my ex was going through really tough times, I would want to help her too. I could easily see myself helping her out for a month or two, but I also acknowledge that when I do this, it puts strain on me and my partner financially, which is not fair on her. And although I would want to help my ex, I also understand that she is not my responsibility (unless the situation is extreme, and she has NO ONE else to turn to, but most people have family or friends to turn to also.) The more desperate her situation, the more compassionately you could look at the situation. But he should be reasonable, and I would say he should not look to support her any longer than it would take for her to get her own job and look after herself. So know what the situation is, know what you think is an appropriate limit, and tell him where your limit lies, then get him to choose.
That is, if the situation is not too far gone.
Finally, in regards to your feelings of trust and jealousy, just think about whether or not his actions are trustworthy. If he really seems to be acting out of compassion for her, and that he really loves you, you might want to question your feelings. If you suspect that he might be taking you for a ride, don't be a sucker either, but tell him that's how you feel, and that he has to act in a way that makes you feel ok to be in the relationship with you. Then he will choose what he wants to do, and you can make your own decisions from there.
Good luck.
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