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female
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*enilynn
writes: I've been married for 18 months and together with my now husband for two and a half years. My main problem is that I feel the marriage blues more often than bliss. We were basically forced to be married because I got pregnant, I was 20. He helped me bring my beautiful 1 year old son into this world, and that is pretty much all he means to me. I'm just not happy and I don't know what to do. We had sex the first night we met, and that was pretty much the prelude to our whole relationship. We moved in together in about two weeks. I feel like we're together just because it's easier, we just lived off of each other's conveniences..not love. We fight constantly, he's getting to be a control freak and he thinks that I cheat on him.Currently I am a stay-at-home-mom. This is a huge issue because he thinks I'm lazy and don't want to work. I'm going to school this fall and I figure we've gotten along for almost a year without me working, what's the big deal. (My paychecks would probably all go to day care anyway).He isn't the best father, he is actually just like my dad (fancy that, I'm just like my mom and they didn't work out). He thinks that paying for the food on the table constitutes a good dad. He doesn't know how to talk about his problems. We can't talk about anything without it turning into a shouting match. Today he threw a laundry basket at me and I was playing with my son. This was pretty much the last straw.I do have to take some of the blame as well, I have a hot temper, but how should I react when my husband calls me a bitch? I feel like a nag all the time, but living with him makes me feel like I have 2 kids. There are just so many problems that it makes me just feel stupid for staying with him. But it's all the benefits that keep me with him. My mom owns the 3 bedroom house that I rent, if we split she would make us both move. I don't have to work, it's nice to be able to spend all that time with my son. I don't really have my own friends anymore. (which is ironic because all his friends are males and when I befriend them, he thinks I'm cheating on him). I just really don't know what to do. I can't even go more than a sentence writing this without stopping to wipe my eyes. Should I just leave, get a divorce or seperate from him? I really wish I could afford counseling, but I honestly don't think that would help him any. Also, any advice on how to live as a single mom would be appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2008): Girl, I feel you. When I was 18, I got pregnant by my then boyfriend (now husband, but at that time we'd been dating a little over a year) It was unexpected and, at the time, unwanted. I was just about to start my college career, and he was serving in the military on a boat which was gone every two months for a month. Granted, I love my son more than life it's self, I was scared. So, both of us coming from religious backgrounds, decided marriage was our only option. So we wed, a week after finding out I was 8 weeks pregnant. Now, two and a half years later, I am miserable. Married and miserable. We've been together going on four years, but we don't love each other. He constantly lies about everything, and yes, I catch him. More recently it's been about a work trip coming up that he "was made to go" but in reality, volunteered for. Why so mad you ask? Well, I recently started a new job, and LO AND BEHOLD I work at 7 hour shift that day that he was WELL aware of. It just irks me.
CONTINUING, I work 30 ish hours a week, and am a full time mother and wife, but am not emotionally nor financially secure for a divorce. My family lives in another state (not close either) and I have not too many friends to support me. SO basically my advice to you? Do what's right, are you EMOTIONALLY ready to be a single mother? You can get help financially, but can you leave, knowing you'll break down a week later and come running back? I haven't left yet, knowing that I am to unstable. My mother tells me when the time is right, i'll know, and they're will be no hesitation.
Are you in love or in love with the idea of being in love? COrny yes, but contemplate it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): "It just seemed convenient to get married, but now I'm unhappy all the time..."Ok ladies, I have to say I have been there and done that....I've been married for 8 years and believe it or not I'm only 27 and have 2 beautiful kids - 6 and 1 years of age.There is one thing that you need to realise and I will stress the word IMPORTANT.....1 - You are in control remember that, so if he gets angry it's your fault, it's because you let him right/ actually wrong....You cannot control others but control yourself and your actions, you cannot control the actions of your loved one, only yours.....If your husbands beat you up for no reason, and you know deep down that you have given your very best to the marriage to to improve not only yourself but the marriage itself, than LEAVE...... Don't stay and complain about it... Life is to short for that.....2 - You married him for a reason right?What is that reason?Has the reason succeeded?What changed along the way?How can you still get your reason to succeed?NOW LADIES LEARN FROM THE TRUE EXPERT I'VE DONE THIS AND IT'S WORKED, which is why I want to share my success with you.......3 - Get involved with what he does, show your interests, let him be shocked by your envolvements.- Help him with what you can, when you can, let him fall slowly as a victim for you, let him always depend on you, so then darling you take back the control and you start running the show.....How you ask?I'll tell you - You need to be better than he is in what he does at his favourite thing, or in anything that he is involved in......If he has friends and he gets jelous when you start chatting with them, then you should continue to chat with them only when your with your man holding his hand - because that shows him that you are his girl and no one else's...... another point, it also makes him believe that he is more manly infront of his friends when his girl is all over him.... get it!!!!anyway for now let me know how you go I will actually leave you with my personal email address so you can contact me personaly, I have tried this, and believe me through this process I have created, I actually fell inlove with him again, as well as for him falling inlove with me which is why we are still together and have been together for 8 years going on 9 in 2 months.......Just so you know I work full time, as well as study full time, I have 2 kids with no family help, as well as getting envolved with his work...... LADIES IT'S POSSIBLE, GOD created us to be multitask-able - we need to push the lazy - ness aside ;) and start kicking some serious butt....I wish all of you the very best of everything, and I hope that your lives are only filled with happiness, love, laughter, beauty, passion,health/wealth, enthusiasm, and joy.....PeaceNicole.....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2008): I am married for 7 years now, I belive you should get a job it will give you more confidence you will make friends as well as looking nice looking try and be happy because its a choice try and change your whole attuide try not to be so Angry all this will effect your son kids are so sensitive I have a 3 year old son. Do something that will put a smile on your partners face say nice things to him praise him for the shopping he has brought home it starts from the little thing. Over time you will notice that you are much happier read a really good self help book that will help to encourage you. From what I have read you like convience you don't wanna work if your husband sees you to be lazy do some thing about it its never to late. Plus you can be a good role model for your son. Theresa oppon
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2008): I believe you need to see whch benefits do you have around yourself. I mean if you have a family support or if you are completly alone.
In my case i am from Latinamerican and i have been married with my Husband (who is British) for the last 2 year and a half. I am 3 months pregnant and i can not any more with him. Since we are married he have been keeping in secret our marriage, i don/t know why, inclusive with his friends and family. Before we married i didnt was agree with it ,but he told me his family is very difficult and was better we get married first and in the future he will explain to them.
To be honest his family is lovely and we have build a very good relationship. My love for my husband is really down, i dont want to have intimidation with him and his actitud is intolerant for me.
He dosen't want the baby and he just show a nice face in from of the family and in home is just complaining about everything.
In my case i would like just to go back home, with my dad (my mom pass away few months ago).My dad told me that i never need to be in a hurry because my family have a very good position in Venezuela and my dad live in a 5 bedrooms house in a private area, but my dad told me some men feel scare about babies and he told me to give the chance to my husband and see his reaction after the baby born.
I think if still he change his main about the baby i will divorce, the problem is if he wants the baby obviously i need to stay in the UK because i can not to separate my baby from his dad, but i will for my own, because i will not have family support.
I am very sure i want the divorce the only problem is i am not too sure i can afford house, bill, food, tax, etc for my own without my family help (i dot would like to be a problem to my family).
For this reason and apologise for my gramma mistakes and i believe if you are in your country with your family by side, you speak in your own idiom and have some friends from your childhood,just remember the cirscunstance is more simple and you will never be alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008): I understand how you feel to a degree...i have been married for 1 year and 5 months and just found out that i am 4 months pregnant. Happy would not exactly describe how i feel within my relationship. My husband has a bad temper and i do as well but i don't hit walls or yell at people when i am angry. Sometimes i just don't know what i got myself into it feels easier to just die but that wouldn't be the best answer. I just have to plan out my situation like you have to..violence is not ok at all.It is not the easiest choice to leave i will admit because my husband pushed me once and i still am trying to decide what i should do. i hope god leads us both to the right choice.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2007): Your situation sounds all too familiar. Although I can't say that I know exactly how you feel, I do know the frustration I felt in a similar situation.
I have a 3 year old little boy. He had just turned one when I decided to leave his dad.
I met his dad while partying it up. After we slept together I never left. I moved into his apartment, and continued to live our young life for 5 months. Then the stick read positive, and my life changed forever.
He was shitty during my pregnancy, but somehow I didn't see it.
After my son was born I started to notice that I was pulling a lot more than he was. I was stuck at home with the baby, while he did as he please.
The only friends I hung out with were his friends.
We argued all the time. I was miserable. I was confused. I was scared.
I didn't know what I was going to do.
But I'd be damned if I was going to raise a child all by myself and have to put up with him as well, because indeed he felt like my second child.
If I was going to do it alone, I was going to do it alone.
I told him that I was going to leave if things didn't shape up. Obviously he didn't believe me, because I was packing a few days later.
I left and I felt weak, vulnerable, and clueless. Still at the same time I felt, strong, independent, and like a powerful mom that didn't take not sh*t from nobody.
I ended up in a subsidized housing, but it was my place, and I loved it.
To be honest I went through a long and painful period of seeing his dad off and on.
I felt dumb that I kept letting him come over, but we are human, and the process is a very confusing one.
But that day does come when you know it is over.
I started school as soon as I left him, now I have my associates degree from a junior college, and I'm half way through my first year at a university.
Being a single mom is very frustrating. I will not lie to you. There were many nights that I cried and wondered how I was going to get through. The stresses of working(at times) finding daycare, getting homework done, and trying to be good parent are smothering at times.
But it's doable, and it makes you all the stronger.
My confidence in myself has never been higher (and I've always been a smart a** know it all)
I would advice applying for subsidized housing (these are places that charge you rent according to your income, which means if it is nothing you pay nothing), because it usually takes a while to get in. This is something you can do without telling anyone.
When you do decide to leave, you should contact you public aid office, because you may qualify for health insurance, food stamps, or cash assistance.
There are many programs to help people in your situation. The applications can be long, and appointments frequent, but it is worth it.
Please contact me if you want to talk or have more questions. I would be more than happy to help. I don't envy your situation, because I remember how I felt, and I know you can't feel much better.
[email address blocked]
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): hi oh my god i really feel for you!
dump this loser now. i can sense a really smart, intelligent woman in you. this guy will only bring you down. your son needs you, not him. the guy sounds like a twat if you ask me.
tell your mom, tell your friends, tell god if you like....
lifes too short to spend tme with an arsehole....
think about yourself for once, for the good of your son...
who cares where you end up living? as long as your with your son then it is all good.
I wish you all the best x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2007): Hello. OMG i know how you feel minus having kids. Im 19 and just got married in january. im having trouble dealing with being married, my husband has a bad temper and we always fight. It wasnt always like this, and he doesnt have a bad temper when we're around others. Im very unhappy and just wanna go out with my friends again and lead a fun life. i dunno what i got myself into. Hes taken me from my career and further away from all my friends. we live in his hometown and i dont have friends here and dont know many ppl that are my age. It sucks i guess im stuck forever now. what a life. i hope u are ok my dear.
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A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (30 July 2005):
 Sweetie, I feel for you. You are very unhappy in your relationship from your letter. I understand that you love your son and that life is comfortable now because of where you live etc. But think about something okay hun. He threw a laundry basket at you while you were playing with your son. He could have hurt you both. What happens when the laundry basket is not there but a chair is? So what we all have hot tempers. That does not mean that we deserve bad treatment does it? Women are treasures and need to be respected. He seems like a very insecure confused man at the moment.You need to be happy and not so stressed. Kids pick up on things and just how you know your dad was not so much a good dad...your son will pick up on that. Do you want your son to grow up in that environment. Break the cycle sweetheart. My advice to you is get out. Make you happy, make Jennilyn happy. It seemed you made your parent happy when you got married and now you just co -exist with your husband in a non loving marriage. Think of you and the little one. You can make it, alot of single moms can. Have you tried going to those places where counselling is free and confidential. You may not be getting abused physically but it may come after the basket incident...but you are getting abused emotionally and mentally. Take care of you hun....start loving yourself and know that you are too wonderful to be treated like that. Dig deep and get that strength to move forward. Assert yourself with your mom. She wants to kick you out....okay...do your research to find somewhere to stay before you talk to her. But remove yourself from that negative environment. Please.
You can do this...take care and good luck ..ana
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