A
male
age
41-50,
*rNice313
writes:Hello Everybody,Don't know if this is the right place for this, but here goes...I am now 33 years of age and I was with my long term partner for 9 years.Our relationship, I thought, was good. It had its ups and downs like any relationship. Anyway, the last few years of our relationship was difficult. My father was diagnosed with cancer / terminally ill and as a result passed away. It was a very difficult time for me. This was November 2010.Anyway, approximately 2 weeks after my father passed away my long term partner announced she was pregnant. I couldn't believe it. I was totally blown away. I don't believe in life after death or reincarnation but it felt like a parting gift from my father. I was over the moon. But as quick as my sorrow turned to joy it turned back to sorrow as my long term partner announced she wasn't having it as she felt the timing wasn't right. I begged her to change her mind. I said our baby wouldn't be here for 9 months but still she went ahead and had an abortion. I was absolutely devastated. Not only was I dealing with the passing of my father, but the loss of a child as well. As a result my long term partner and I broke up. I thought it right that I should move out of our home as I wanted to do the gentlemanly thing and continued to pay my share of the mortgage and bills, etc. I didn't want it to turn messy and I also didn't have the energy to argue at that time and to drag things through courts.After a few months she got back in touch and told me how sorry she was and that she'd made a big mistake. She told me she wanted to give it another try. Deep down I knew I still loved her deeply and I told her this, but I said we had to take things slowly as she had hurt me so much and I had to build the trust back up for her as I never thought she would do something like that. So over the course of 2011 we'd see each other maybe once every couple of weeks. Then it was every week. Then every few days. Then when last Christmas came we spent a lot of time together. It was great. It felt like things were back to normal and we'd discussed that I move back in. Anyway, when the end of February beginning of March came I lost all contact. It was like she disappeared off the face of the planet. I phoned. I text. I visited and there was nothing. Then in April I found out she was with another guy. She'd met him off of the dating website POF. Again, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was in shock. Since then she has moved this guy in to our home. She has had his name tattooed on her leg. (She never had any tattoos. I've seen the guy she is with and he is covered in them) They have just announced there engagement and they are trying for a baby. I am in total bewilderment. Because we keep the same circle of friends even they are in shock. Some have even asked if she is doing the right thing and they have fallen out as a result. It's like she's a different person. I have tried to get on with my life. Even tried to date. But I am just not interested. I just don't want to know. I'm a good looking guy in a good job. Women hit on me a lot, but I just don't want anything to do with them. What's wrong with me?Thanks to everybody in advance. :)
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female
reader, chickpea2011  +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Hi,
I am sorry about your loss. My mom passed away 2002 and until this day I cannot look at her picture without crying. People say it will get better with time, not for me. Just want to say that you are being too hard on yourself. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You've been through so much, and after reading your post I am surprise you are not angry at your ex. I felt no anger in you. Shock? Of course, who wouldn't? After all your ex did... Just think this as a blessing that she's out of your life. Something is not right with her, because it's not normal to change so much overnight. No matter who you are, people become attached to one another, and if it was that easy to just lie to you and so easily be with another man, to me that's not normal. She's selfish, liar, no integrity, no character, and cold blooded. Better find out now than later. Also, you don't need to date, or be in a relationship right away. Pls, don't think of her anymore, don't waste any second of your life. ( do not help her financially anymore & erase her from your life & your memory). I'll definitely recommend you go out, spend time with friends and families. Try to meet new people, join the gym, exercise, eat well. Just know you are successful, good man, look forward to the future. Stay strong and positive. I know for sure that for now on, only good things will happen to you and the future is endless. You'll meet someone that truly love you and deserve you.
I hope you feel better, find peace in your heart.
Best wishes!
A
male
reader, MrNice313 +, writes (30 June 2012):
MrNice313 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for their replies. It really helps. :)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (30 June 2012):
 First off, I'm so sorry for the loss of you dad and the child. That is a lot of loss to deal with all by yourself.
Secondly, Stop paying any of her bills. IF you are on the mortgage of the place she lives in, contact a lawyer and figure the financial side out, there is no way in Hades you should be paying rent when she is moving in another guy. So if the two of you took out a loan to BUY this place it needs to be settled, she needs to PAY YOU to buy it and have you removed from the deed. Or SHE needs to move out. It all comes down to what is the right thing to do LEGALLY. If it's a rental, get your name off the rental agreement. Get your name of the electric bill,phone, cable, water & waste. (if you two agree on HER living there, buying you share or whatnot)
I think, I can guess as to her almost "erratic" behavior. She is having some regrets about the abortion, but instead of working on those she is throwing herself into a new relationship, perhaps because being around you is a constant reminder of her actions? (the abortion), and instead of being a mature adult she goes about all this behind your back. Makes me wonder how much the "new" guy knows. And what kind of dude he is, not that he really matters, mind you. It's not uncommon for some people to JUMP into something new in order to "get over" a relationship, it doesn't mean that the new relationship is better or that it actually works.
It's time for you to sever every connection to her, she is no good for you and maybe you are just not ready to date til this relationship is over and done with. Which can take a while. Seems to me that you need to start the "grieving" process for the relationship.
Give yourself time and don't give up on yourself.
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A
female
reader, LISALEE +, writes (30 June 2012):
Nothing is wrong with you, your being far to hard on yourself.. I went through a simalar thing a while back, the guy is now settled and with this woman and a baby. I lost sooo much sleep over this and wasted lots of tears.. Right now all you need is real people, she's not real to you, what she has don't to you will be done to her.. Your a decent guy and you derserve a decent girl, your time will come. No rush, you'll see when you least expect it :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): Of course you are no ready to date anyone yet, you have had a roller coaster of emotional turmoil. You will get over this. Rather than mull over endlessly what happened, it would be best to think that a chapter of your life is over. Turn the page. Not easy I know but if you get your head in the right place you will be better placed to survive and ultimately be happy again.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (30 June 2012):
 I hope you are not still paying on the house and that the mortgage isn't in your name. If it is, you should take care of this legally and get yourself out from under that mess. If the house is in only your name, move them both out and sell the house-don't need any reminders after all.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (30 June 2012):
Hi there,
To answer your overriding question, there is nothing wrong with you. You are going through a second grieving process.
Everything you did was pretty much by the book for any advice giver. Your father died and that is an extremely personal and stressful experience. Your long term relationship was likely not strong enough to survive under those conditions. For your partner to think about and then go through an abortion during your critical grieving time was hurtful and wrong. I don't think she was thinking of you during this time, she was thinking about herself. We'll never know but maybe she already had one foot out the door and didn't want to be tied to the relationship with a baby-which would have made it more permanent. I am sorry that an abortion happened to you. It isn't fair and you did grieve the loss, appropriately. That was a nail in the coffin of the already fragile relationship.
When she came back into your life you were right to take things slow. The relationship evolved to the point where you built the necessary trust to move forward towards permanence. She wasn't being honest with you. She was on the dating website when you thought you were in a relationship. She met someone and quickly moved into a relationship with him, leaving you out and completely in the dark. What is wrong is with her. She was not honest the 2nd round.
I can't explain why she has become a completely different person. I think she might still have some issues stemming from the abortion, but not sure. Perhaps being with you is a constant reminder of a dark time in her life. So being with you might have been unhealthy. She doesn't like who she had become so she completely became someone else. Being with the new guy gives her the opportunity to forget.
For you, you are going through a grieving process. You have been hurt. You cannot date because you do not trust any woman OR yourself. Your heart isn't ready. When you enter into a relationship, it's going to take an enormous amount of time to build back trust.
Remember that even good looking, well positioned people go through hurt and trust issues. Even good people have a past. The thing that helps is to be around people. For me, I have found that joining a co-ed work activity teams (golf, bowling, etc) has helped me build trust with people. I am able to "flirt" and converse with the opposite sex without "dating" or getting involved. Even talking with other women (I'm a gal) makes me feel good. It helps build confidence, trust and self esteem. Take your time. Just because the "ex" is moving on quickly, doesn't mean there is something wrong with you.
There is NOTHING wrong with you. All the best and heal well.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (30 June 2012):
 Makes you think if she cheated on you while you were caring for your dad, and that she didn't want to break up with you at the time you were still grieving for your father. Still what she did was cowardly and rashful.
I am always against cheaters but the relationship could be good only in your eyes. Maybe she voiced her concerns but felt you ignored them. An otherwise good relationship would not collapse like that. 9 years without marriage is questionable but my brother also dated 9 years before getting married. It is not usual but if there is no mention of marriage after all this time it comes a time when people decide whether to go on and struggle, or to end things permanently. If there is anything wrong with you it could be that you were too optimistic about things and let issues slip by because you needed to grab on to hope and hang on to things, I mean issues that were there before your father got sick. It could be imcompatability but you didn't want to see it that way. I could be wrong but this is what I gather from your post. I am sure from her side of the story she regretted stringing you along but she did try to love you, not the best woman would but in her own way. She was rebounding to cover the sense of loss without you.
Gather support from your family members. It is okay you don't feel like yourself for a while. The best thing that your father left you is your spirit and your courage to go on.
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