A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi anties and uncles. I just want to understand this part I'm dating this man for 7 years and we have just bought a house together, I found it so strange when it comes to my in-laws. It seems as if they don't love me for instance when I'm not at our house his family will come and visit him but when I'm around none of them comes up and visit me. Even her mom when I first met she didn't like shake my hand as a gesture of acceptance. My problem is if I'm going to be married to this family are they going to really accept me. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2013): Thanks WiseOwLE, the thing is when I came into the picture he was with someone else without me knowing about it. With this other woman they had a child as he was about to marry her behind my back he found out that she had another child that she lied about their entire relationship. So they part ways. Chances are the mother in law was in love with the mother of the child. There was a time I called him at his home and his mom told me that his at work and when he called me he told me that was at home accompanying the mother of his child as she taking the child to summer holidays. Why would the mother in law lie if she loves me. She never did and I don't even how to try and be what she wants me to be.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2013): In your situation, you may have to go a little out of your way to establish a relationship with your future mother-in-law. You admit that you were dating your fiance' for seven years; and over all that time you don't mention if you ever "invited" anyone of his family to visit. Could it be they assume you didn't really want to get to know them?You said his mother didn't shake your hand upon your original introduction. It's common for mothers to be skeptical of the women their sons are dating until they get to know them. Then there is no guarantee she, or any of his extended family, will ever like you. If they are decent people; they will accept you out of the love of your fiance'. That alone should be enough.You still make every effort to earn their trust, and hope they'll learn to love you over time. By no means are you required to seek their approval. That is pushing it.Sometimes we have to go our of our way to win people over.There are no details if there are religious or cultural differences between you. You don't mention if there may be a difference in age, or some particular reason she would just dislike you. Sorry, I just don't buy it that simple.You walked up to her, and she instantly disliked you?Some would say that's a mother's intuition. There is an element that stands between you that you haven't included in your post. There has to be more details describing more about your relationship to her son.Do you have children from a previous marriage? Are you divorced? Do you speak the same language?Are you gainfully employed and able to financially support yourself without any help from your fiance'? How does a period of seven years lapse, and no one in his family has made a friendly gesture toward you?Based on the lack of details, it can only be assumed that you have kept your relationship isolated from his family, and you haven't personally gone out of your way to ingratiate yourself into their family clan.A whole family doesn't dislike a man or a woman unless there is something about that person that does not meld with their belief system or coincide with their perceived family values.So I can only assume your finance' chose a woman he knew in advance would be rejected by his family.To add to that, he has made no effort to get them to welcome you into the fold. He seems a coward, not to stand in your corner. Your fiance' has to be the diplomat, and bring you all together as a unit. He has to create unity and acceptance between his family, and his future bride. It is also your responsibility to invite your future in-laws over to offer your hospitality; and charm the family to let them know how much of a wonderful and loving wife you will be to their son and brother. It goes two ways. Even if it's hard to do.One side has to break the ice, and offer welcome. It appears everyone is standing on either side of the road, and unwilling to crossover. You're the one who feels unwelcome; so you'll have to make the first move. If you don't, you'll always be held as an outsider.Unless there is prejudice against your ethnicity,social/ financial status, your choice of vocation, or religion; they may just not like you as a person. Do you have a past that they may be aware of; and just don't feel you are an appropriate choice as a wife? It is unusual for an entire family to simply reject someone and offer no welcome without having a reason. Sometimes people of an old-school of thought, do not approve of cohabitation prior to marriage. Some don't like the idea of a couple going into financial indebtedness prior to legal marriage; because it could be quite difficult to separate or divide property when there is no legal bonding of marriage. So they may fault you for pressuring him into purchasing a home, and setting up house long before you actually tie the knot. Some parents consider this entrapping their sons or daughters into financial obligations, should things end the relationship.So, what do you do? You may have to invite your in-laws over and sit down for a talk. Inform his parents that you feel unaccepted and would prefer to have a loving relationship. If you are deciding on a family, you want things to be loving and stable before children enter the picture. Tell them that you are willing to do whatever it takes, within reason, to be a family together.They need to understand that you want anyone coming into your home to show you kindness and respect. They can expect to receive hospitality and a gracious welcome at anytime they wish to visit; only if you are properly treated. Let them know you are unable to offer them comfort and welcome if they make you feel like a stranger in your own home.That is unacceptable under any conditions, and you must insist that your husband to be, man up and back you up 100%.He has full responsibility in binding your families together as a unit. If they can't agree under these terms, then there is little you can do. You don't only marry your husband, he comes fully-equipped with a family included. If you marry they have a daughter-in-law, who may be the mother of his children. They may wish to be a part of the little one's lives. You all will have to work it out over time. You really don't have much of a choice, if you marry him. If you shy away when his family arrives and you make yourself scarce, or don't offer your presence, they'll never really get to know you well enough to care.
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