A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:me and my boyfriend have been together for just over a year and we used to have a very active sex life, we used to have sex practically everyday sometimes more than once a day. but in the past month we have hardly had sex at all, i think it's been about 5 or 6 times in the last month when we used to have that in a week, and everytime we have had sex it's like i've had to make a big thing of it like dressing up or wearing stockings, its made me feel like he doesn't want me anymore and i don't know what has caused it. he thinks his sex drive has just decreased but he is never in the mood anymore and when we do have sex it feels like he just wants to get it over and done with.any ideas what could cause this? thanks
View related questions:
in the mood, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comment, but what I didn't post in the last message was that in the beginning of december he doubted if he was in love with me anymore and looking back the decrease in sex started then, and the thing is we don't have sex as often as we used to as i moved away to university so we only get to see each other every two to three weeks. and we do kiss and cuddle a lot before hand and we do vary it like between making love and sex and it's never just one or the other. but regarding afterwards he always gets up and gets dressed straightaway or turn over and go to sleep and i actually feel like if i didn't make the effort we wouldn't have sex at all.he has also since the beginning of december been flirting with one of his work collegues and i know it's harmless but the other week i was flicking through his phone and found a message from her saying "thanks for keeping me warm tonight" and i didn't know how to think about that and i asked him about it as we let each other flick through one anothers phones etc and he explained to me what he did he undid his shirt (he was wearing a tshirt underneath) and wrapped it round her while she cuddled into his body. now he has never done that to me and we used to flirt with each via text or facebook but he doesn't to me anymore but he does to her and i know i'm being paranoid but i'm wondering if she is the reason that this decrease in his sex drive has happened i don't think he would ever cheat on me because i trust him completly but maybe it's the fact that he is now attracted to her and not me anymore... i don't know what to do it's driving me mad
A
female
reader, Rae1031  +, writes (31 January 2009):
It is true that after a while even in couples with the best sex lives, it does turn into routine and you need to spice it up. Sounds like that is all your partner is trying to do. There are a few things that you need to look out for though, if he has a tendancy to watch a lot of porn especially since the internet has such a wide verity to offer and it is not like in the past where a man keept his his one and only porn hid in the sock draw, he may be starting to prefer porn over actual sex. This would have nothing to do with you, but if he is constantly seeing images of women with "touched up" perfect bodies having sex with 5 men, two other women and a goat eventually it is going to get harder and harder for him to have normal sex with a "real" woman. If this is something that he would not share with you there are still ways to tell. When he ask you to dress up for him, does it still feel like he is "there" with you or do you feel as if you are suddenly an object in a porn movie only there to assist and fulfill his needs? Do you still feel an emotional connection with him or is he suddenly only focused on your body with little or no eye contact? Does he still show you non-sexual affection in and outside of the bedroom? If you notice that any of his normal sexual behaviors as far as the way he connects and responds to you are changing, then you may have a problem. It sounds like you still have good communication with him so you should be able to work it out. Just don't approch the subject in a blaming way. If this is the case and he is hiding it from you it is probably because he feels ashamed. You don't want to say or do anything to make him feel worst because then you will loose your communication. Just let him know that you are not mad and he does not have to feel bad or ashamed, but you do feel that it is having an affect on your sex life. It may not be as easy for him to stop as you think, but if you can come up with a plan to get help together, it will make you both feel a little bit better about the whole situtation. It could also be that some other kind of environmental factor is causing this such as stress or lack of sleep or other medical problems that he may not even be aware of. Suggest to him that he make a doctors appointment and offer to go with him and give him support if he feels uncomfortable talking about it. If you find that this is not the problem at all and he is just trying to spice things up, then have fun and play along. Come up with a few ideas of your own such a role playing. He will love it. Good Luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2009): I've got a good idea what the problem is - you've been having sex too often.
In the first few weeks or months of a sexual relationship there's a heck of a lot of lust going around but as time wears on, the lust wears off and so does the frequency of sex. To make up for the lack of lust, he needs something else to stimulate him and that's where the stockings etc come into play. Any normal red-blooded male would be extra turned-on seeing his woman dressed in them and not a lot else.
5 or 6 times a month is probably a bit less than average at your age, but bear in mind there's no 'normal' amount because everyone is different and has different needs in the bedroom department.
Instead of aiming for quantity, aim for quality. Lots of kisses and cuddles beforehand, and plenty afterwards. Try making love instead of just simply having sex. One without the other is pretty meaningless and gets very boring in time, which is what I think has happened.
...............................
|
