A
female
age
51-59,
*ollypop12
writes:Hi there,Ok I am a 40 year old Woman who has raised 3 children who are now 21, 19 and 17. I was single for 11 years so for all you single mums out there, hang on in there, I know its hard but we are women therefore stronger than we believe ourselves to be and we can do it! For the last twelve months I have been in a relationship for the past twelve months with a wonderful man, he too is 40 and his kids from his 18 year marriage are 10 and 12, the problems I have may seem trivial and maybe I am being silly and insecure but I dont think so, you tell me what yout think. We have his children two nights a week, plus every weekend, Friday to Sunday, we get very little time to ourselves to build our own relarionship which I feel is important.His Ex is a massive issue for me, she is always on the phone, needing something, the car w3ont start, she needs a lift, she has family problems, can we have the kids again, she manipulates him with the kids and is massivley controlling behind the scenes but when questioned or confronted in my very subtle ultra friendly way she tells a different story. He still pays the mortgage, all the bills and buys anything she needs, as well as providing for the kids which is to be expected and respected. I feel that my whole life is revolving around her and her ever increasing demands, he is the only person in the entirely family that does not see her for what she is and what she does. She is quite willing to let him have the kids all the time, then she complains she never sees them but this only happens when her bloke is not around, when he is, she is quite happy for us to have them. My other half says nothing and seems quite happy with the situation, our weekends always have to be planned around the kids, making them happy, I am not allowed to go into town for an hour alone as we have the kids, I am not allowed to sit out of the swimmin sessions as we have the kids, i cant watch TV as we have the kids, I cant soak in the bath as we have the kids, where we go on hiliday is decided by him and the kids, what we eat and where we go weekends is decided by him and the kids, I have absolutely no input or say in anything, If I mention this to him, I am told to grow up and get over myself, I am not allowed to drink because we have the kids, I cant go out with friends because we have the kids, and if i do then I am selfish! Sex ? Forget it, he is always tired, lucky if that happens once a fortnight, and we have only been together for a year, it would appear he has all the time in the world to talk to his ex (although they are still married) and time for his kids friends and family but my dreams, desires or plans for life dont count! Is this normal? It doesn't feel normal and all of it is making me massively frustrated and I feel like a nobody, like a bystander in my own life, although it isnt my life its his life, I am fed up of being told to put up and shut up and simply want to be considered in decision making, especialy when he agrees to have the kids and then goes on a business trip leaving me to look after them. Is this wrong? Help
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female
reader, Lollypop12 +, writes (9 February 2011):
Lollypop12 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou all for your comments and advice, its good to know I am not being paranoid. As for the comment by anonomous "You may not like what I have to say. I think that you do need to grow up. You have kids. He has kids. Your lives revolve around your children. If you wanted "you" time, then you shouldn't have had kids or got involved with a man who has two young children. And a far as I'm concerned, you have no say so in whether or not he talks to her because THEY ARE STILL MARRIED! Obviously if they haven't had an official divorce, there is something still there. So you put yourself into this situation. Grow up and get over it, or get out. " do you not think that there should be give and take and compromise where the babysitting and my whole existence revolving around his cildren? I take what you say on board completely but also think that if he was a little more understanding and a little less controlling over my time then things would work better and I would feel less resentful. Do you not think so? I have had my children and sacrificed 21 years of me time, so I know what having children entails, my issue is, he is not sacrificing his me time, he still goes to the pub etc with friends while I have the kids and I feel powerless to say no so as njot to upset the apple cart as it were, I think Romanys advice is good advice and will certianly try all of those things,all of your comments are most appreciated, and yes for the anonomous female I do feel massively used!! Thanks xx
A
female
reader, romany +, writes (8 February 2011):
 No, your not overeacting, Your an amazingly patient woman, alot more than I'd ever be. I'm really quite shocked that this 'wonderful man' you described that you've met isn't able to see how much you are sacrificing to be with him.
Like you, I've done my bit bringing up kids, and altho i dont oppose to a dating a man with kids, and when i've been in this situation, I do have relationship with the kids, they are his kids, so I still do my thing, and I wouldn't let him dictate to me, as I wouldn't dictate to what he does with his kids.
I actually said aloud OMG when I saw he goes on business trips, leaving you with his kids, coz their mother allows this, I'm sure your a safe, loving lady and they're in no danger, but personally, the ex shouldn't even see this as an option. Personally I'd stop that, if he has to go away, ring up the ex, tell her to come get her kids.
I think that you've allowed all this to happened, and to try and change this now could cause major upheavel, so I'd be inclined to introduce, 'my time' slowly. Going out to town, for a few hours alone, dont say it defiantly, just when he says, we're taking kids bla bla, you say, can't babe, i'm meeting *jenny in town for lunch.
Theres lots of ways you can keep your own identity in this situation, you just have to use this 'friendly face' you use on the ex, on him too. Also if you want a bath, say oh hun, I'm achey, I'm going to have a hot bath, and a chill, does anyone want the bathroom before i go up?
Hopefully without spending so much time with him, in the evenings you'll have things to talk about, he'll have missed you, and maybe things in the bedroom will improve.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): You may not like what I have to say. I think that you do need to grow up. You have kids. He has kids. Your lives revolve around your children. If you wanted "you" time, then you shouldn't have had kids or got involved with a man who has two young children. And a far as I'm concerned, you have no say so in whether or not he talks to her because THEY ARE STILL MARRIED! Obviously if they haven't had an official divorce, there is something still there. So you put yourself into this situation. Grow up and get over it, or get out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): You sound as if you are being used as a housekeeper, carer, babysitter etc. 'Used' being the main word here. If you complain it is your fault for being unreasonable. I'm not sure what you get out of this. I would suggest you get shot of him and his children if things do not change. This is all very one sided and although he is 'wonderful' he does not sound very unsympathetic to your needs. Your happiness should go into the mix and your partner should allow for that if he loves you.
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