A
female
age
36-40,
*utterflymary
writes:Ive just found this page and I have a question that I need to find an answer to. I have been seeing this man for about five months. I do like him very much indeed and we have a great time together but the point is that our relationship is rather complicated. For what he told me, he was in a relationship with a woman for 5 years. After 3 years she got pregnant with his baby. He told me that their relationship was a disaster and it was merely about sex, no love or anything like that. But since she got pregnant, he stayed with her and tried to make it work even though all his friends and family kept persuading him to leave her because according to them, she was no good. I don’t know her but he described her as a selfish woman who doesn’t care about anyone else but herself. They broke up after those 5 years when he got home one day and there was already another man with her. He said they broke up in August last year. So when I started up with him in April this year, I thought he could be over her after those 9 months. The thing that always bothered me was that he wasn’t able to talk about her nicely, he says she’s a b*tch and so on, which leads me to the thought that he still isn’t over her. Also he said that from August when they separated, they only talk about their kid and that there is nothing going on between the two of them. Anytime I asked him if he was sure he was over her, he snapped at me that he hated her and she made him sick. That was weird enough. I found some texts that they exchanged in February this year when he apparently wanted to get back with her, said he still loved her, there was rather sexual content, he asked her if she was okay with the sex she has with her new bf, she replied she wasn’t and he offered to book a hotel room for the weekend and leave. First she agreed but then texted him she didn’t wanna cheat on her new guy so early, told him to find a new gf and it all finished with her saying – once you have a new girl, and you feel like cheating on her, let me know. We can start seeing each other again. But now I can’t do it. What do you think I should do? I know the texts date back to when I didn’t even know him but it breaks my heart that he may not be over her. And also that he lied to me. He kept those texts for half a year while there was not a single text from me. I know it is not easy for a man to admit he was or still is heartbroken but I have no idea what to think about this. Please, post me some advice, any... I will be grateful for anything. Thank you.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Annnia  +, writes (29 July 2011):
Never trust a guy when he tells you his ex girlfriend was a psyco.. Maybe she was a psyco for a reason?! You know what i mean... No smoke without fire!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): Hi. As your boyfriend was telling his ex partner that he still loved her and wanted sex with her such a short time before meeting you. It is entirely possible that he has entered into a rebound relationship with you. His ex agreed to have sex with him, once he had found a girlfriend and wanted to cheat on her. As that girlfriend, you have every right to be concerned.
If it were me. I would confess that i had read the texts. Apologize unreservedly then leave him. The risks of being with someone that not only lies. But still has feelings for his ex AND a cheating 'agreement' with her, would not be something i am comfortable with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2011): NO NO NO. Fire, danger ahead, warning!!! Get out now!
Besides, who the fuck "decides" to cheat with their exes as a mutual decision, but "not now" because it's too early to cheat?! Isn't that enough of a red flag for you? Why would you want to DATE this person, much less be their friend? Get out while you still can...
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (29 July 2011):
 I suppose he WILL have to be involved with her at some level because he has a child with this woman. Is he paying her child support? If not, he should be as part of his responsibility for bringing the baby into the world. He may well want to see his child from time to time, and this will likely be a long-term (as in years) commitment.
I know the texts he sent her were in February, before you met him, but, even so, the fact that he did send them telling her he still loved her, and the sexual content, plus the fact that he tells you he hates her so much, are signs of someone who is quite conflicted about his feelings for this woman - and a HUGE red flag to you.
I think you'd be well advised not to take him too seriously at this point - you may be enjoying your time together now, but you could have the whole mess dumped in your lap if he suddenly decides to take up with her again. The chance of him doing so is not a small one, I'd say, unfortunately.
Then of course, not only is he in turmoil over his feelings for his ex, but he lied to you. Another big red warning signal. I think you need to treat him with caution. He could be "dangerous" to your emotional well-being.
You have only been seeing him five months; he knew her five years. It might be a good idea - if you can bring yourself to do it - to begin slowly withdrawing from him. What I mean by this is see him less often, cut back on the time you talk on the phone, email or text. See how he responds.
I'm sorry, but this guy is not to be trusted - not unless he makes a definitive break with her, cuts off any and ALL communication with her (but how would you know he had??)
I wish I could give you more comforting feedback......
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