A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband has a job that is very boring and he is allowed to chat on his cell phone. A month ago he complained that I don't talk to him enough so he has to talk to "Rebecca". At the time, a month ago, we established the fact that he and Rebecca do chat, it's totally innocent, she's a friend and I thought they chat every now and then - maybe once every other week or two, so I came to terms with that.While looking through his call log, I found out yesterday that they spoke every day for the last week. They probably speak every day while he's at work. I know the big picture: I trust my husband. He's not a cheater. He comes straight home. Never goes out with the boys. He's a good husband. That said, it bothers me VERY much that he chats with this woman EVERY DAY. When I told him how much it bothered me, he said that he knew her before he even met me and basically, "tough". This is a deal breaker for me. It bothers me that they speak so much. I dare not look at the phone records - they probably speak for hours - who knows. My question is: I feel so strongly about this, that I might actually move out. I can't have a husband chatting with a single woman every day. If she was his friend, she should know that he's married now, and things have changed. She should not call as mucha and vice versa. My husband said that he's so bored at work - he has to talk to somebody and I'm sleeping so what is he supposed to do. I said, I don't know....WORK???He's making me feel like I shouldn't be so upset. But I am. I think its wrong. I don't talk with any man. Also, his other (male) friends that he also chats with at work also call him when he's at home. But she NEVER calls when he's at home. So if its so innocent and she's just a friend, why doesn't she call whenever, just like his other friends do? And why does he update me on what his male friends are doing but never what she's doing? Like its some big secret? The big picture: I know he's not cheating. But to me, he's being totally inappropriate.Am I overreacting? Or am I right?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2010): Hi,
this is still going on after a year!! I,d have kicked his big fat butt out. I know we all need friends but you are totally right, he should start putting you, your relationship, that of your kids, and your famiily before anyone else.
I,ve been there, done that and bought the shirt on this one honey and one things for certain, he will not stop doing it. Once they have a phone buddy, someone they "chat to at work" it,s a thrill, all be it a cheap one, that they cannot or will not put down.
I would want to know what the fascination was with this woman, I would want to see her with my own eyes. You could bite the bullet and ask to meet her? That may stop him in his tracks. When I asked my ex to stop, he wouldn,t, turned out he had fallen for her big time, when I kicked him out she ran off, and No I have not had him back, didn,t want to.We are both much happier on our own, but we do get on.
Good luck you need to decide what to do. It,s obviously still annoying you or you wouldn,t be asking.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHere it is, over a year after I wrote that question, and he still talks to her and her married female friend every work day, 5 days a week, on average of 4 times a night, for about 20 minutes for 3 of the calls and over 2 hours for the 4th call. I haven't checked the phone logs since April of '09 because he promised me the phone calls would lessen. I happened to be paying the cell phone bill and for the heck of it checked the call logs and in this last 30 day cycle, he talked to both the single female friend and her married female friend for over 1800 minutes. I did the math - that's 30 hours in a month. I don't care if he's not cheating. I don't care if he comes straight home. I don't care how bored he is at work and he has to talk to someone. He talks to these people every night, 4 times a night, some calls are 1-3 hours. I'm leaving him. Can anyone comment? Am I right or wrong?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): No, you're totally right! I totally understand and just came across the same exact issue w/ my husband this past week. It sucks that I barely see him as it is b/c he's working and on top of that he's conversating and texting this lady he works with. Therefore he sees her all day and then they're talking outside of work! I think its just unexceptable. If its a work relationship it should stay that way unless its a mutal friend between him and I , and even then he still doesn't need to talk to her more than he talks to me! HE said she's just a friend and he works all the time so he feels he needs someone to talk w/ and she just so happens to be around b/c they work together! I think that's totally bull crap and NO married man should have a single female as a friend! No exceptions! Its only a trap for something else to happen along the way!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): That was easy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your very wise answers. I spoke to my husband and let him know how much it bothered me and how strongly I felt about him talking to her so much. He agreed to cut down on speaking to her, but in return he said I have to "step up my game". Meaning, I have to call him more, check in with him more, chat with him more. I think that is a fair trade. So I'm going to "step up my game" and be there for him to talk to instead of her.
Thank you all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I think you nailed it. Your reasoning and logic is sound to me. If she were just a friend, she'd be your friend too, and interested in you and show that by being open to communicating with you. So I'm totally on your side.
Move out? I can understand that. I mean, you're probably smart enough to bail before the storm because many of the signs and favorable conditions for further disappointment are present. You've already explained your position and he said Tough Toenails so, hey.
One thing I would test drive before I blazed off the scene is to pick up the same habit for yourself. Get yourself a male daily contact buddy and enjoy it. I hate revenge, but sometimes the ass is in the mire.
There doesn't seem to be a lot of warmth and compassion going on when he dangles her before you, then shrugs it off, keeps it up, knows your feelings on it, plus you're pretty packing the suitcase in your brain. So is this really about the phone buddy or could it be the old "Wow this marriage just blows and I don't care how it ends" type of thing?
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A
female
reader, sheela +, writes (20 April 2009):
You r absolutely right about the way u feel. Your husband should not be calling and talking with her on daily basis. Ok think if it is just friendship? What's there to talk daily and for such a long time? About you, about their past, about current affairs of the state, what, its simple they enjoy each other's talk, isn’t it. Okay think he calls out of boredom then y only this lady, y not a male friend or some male office-mate?? You need to take some step to stop it or at least lessen it. Always remember dear ''nip it in the bud itself'' never allow anything u don’t want to flourish so long. Cut it down in the start. Small plant is easy to uproot than a tree. Remember this here after. Okay so now what to do. You need to deal with this situation slowly and delicately. First check his phone and see who is calling -your husband or that lady, and approx. What time. Ok tell him that from now u r available that time and he can call you and talk to u. See for a week, then check the phone, has it reduced? No. Then talk to him and tell him what your concerns are after a week sees the phone --- if no change. Confront - ask him what there to talk so much. Still doesn’t work then warn him that u r going to take steps that won’t be so nice after all. Then tell me I will give u the steps. Okay? (Mostly Edited: for improper punctuation, grammar and spelling. There is no need to shorten words or use repeating ellipses.)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): You're not overreacting, but you're right to have slight suspicions. It's not healthy for either party; it has effects on the single person and the person in a relationship, and the partner of the person in a relationship.
The friendship is not entirely inappropriate, well, you don't know the full facts.
Ask to meet this woman - see what his reaction is then - if she is single, then try and get your husband to help her find a boyfriend, if he's got great social/people skills.
However, it's YOU who should be his priority, not the "other woman".
Help him, find out why, and take it from there.
Hope my advice as an agony uncle has helped you.
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A
female
reader, got it  +, writes (20 April 2009):
WOW, that one is a tough one because I am your husband and I chat to others too BUT it is platonic!
I think something is missing and you need to talk to him about what HE WANTS ... you might find that he really needs a hug or a kiss!
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