A
female
age
30-35,
*alieJoann
writes:Whenever me and my significant other are being intimate he can never stay hard, does anyone have tips on how i can help him out, because i would love to have sex and not have to worry about him shrivelling up and making me feel as if i'm not good enough when he tells me over and over again that I am. So if anyone could give me tips I would be so grateful. Thanks Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): The penis needs good blood supply to become and stay erect.
The body's response to excessive anxiety is to remove the blood supply from the less essential parts of the body. It's part of the body's preparation for "fight or flight".
You can see they your bf is either excessively nervous or has poor circulation with a regular measure of anxiety. He should pop into a doctor to check the second possibility -- erection difficulties can be an early indicator of circulatory issues.
You can help him with the first possibility. You basically need to follow a plan to reduce his anxiety. The basic plan is small steps leading to familiarity (which, by the way, is essentially the same plan used by women who have difficulty reaching orgasm with their partner).
There are books with programmes, but you are much better talking with your bf and making it a game and creating your own list. Because just playing games reduces anxiety.
There are three common traps. The first is to measure progress. People's sexual performance varies day-to-day and you don't want to increase anxiety on "down" days. The simplest way to avoid measuring performance is to do something different from the last time. For the same reason, don't push onto a goal, rather when people stop being comfortable, that's when you are done, even if it isn't as far as you got last time.
The second trap is to make it all about him. His issue is his performance with you. So if he becomes more familiar with your body then his anxiety decreases. So don't make a small step "ask him how he likes his penis touched, do that for him, and explore how it feels". Make it "ask how each other like their sex touched, do that, explore how it feels". Note that this shouldn't preclude you reaching satisfaction, so do share with him how to rub/lick/whatever-works you to climax early on.
Many men simply don't know how women work, so it might well be worth making the first small step simply showing each other your bodies, naming the parts, explaining how they work and how you feel when they are touched. Maybe the next step would be briefly showing how you like to masturbate (ie, with no expectation of completion, since many people of both sexes find that hard when others are watching).
The third trap is to make this a relationship-defining problem, rather than the person simply being what the person is. That is, if you two obsess over this you will break your relationship, whereas if you accept that he has a hill to climb to get to uninhibited sex, and climbing that hill together will strengthen the two of you, then you'll both stroll along much better. The mental image you want is the two of you holding hands, walking up a hill; not him trudging up a mountain, with the person behind him judging him at every step.
All the best. If things don't work out within a month, he should see his doctor again. There are well-known drugs. But it is well worth trying the non-drug approaches first: solving obstructive anxiety will solve it for other areas of your relationship too; and if he does have circulatory issues then the drugs cannot be used. If you do use the drugs, use them to lower his anxiety -- this in, in conjunction with your anxiety-reducing programme -- rather than to cover up his problem. Because that will lead to a better quality of sex is the long run (eg, quickies, and other unexpected opportunities).
A
female
reader, TalieJoann +, writes (10 September 2010):
TalieJoann is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do care about him a lot and i want him to be satisfied but so do I. I can only take so much foreplay before I need sex. But thanks I will google it.
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