A
male
age
51-59,
*rvayne01
writes:I met a woman on a dating site and she informed me she was just looking for friends as she had recently ended a long marriage and wasn't looking for another relationship. After one date and a lot of texting and phone calls for a week she revealed there had been a guy after her ex-husband and she was still closely involved with him "as friends." Her defense was that she told me up front she just wanted to be friends. I say she should have made it known about the latest "ex" the first or second conversation. Isn't even a friendship based on trust? Wasn't I right assuming someone on a dating site is potentially available and unattached or was I assuming too much?
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male
reader, mrvayne01 +, writes (20 July 2008):
mrvayne01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBig ups to everyone for their answers, especially you, Oldersister. I have a semi-related follow up. Does anyone agree with me that when someone is still visiting with their ex, talking with their ex, "helping" their ex out of pity or whatever, on a fairly regular basis, i.e. more than once a week, that's not really an ex but more like a "not happy with but won't let go of til something better comes along?"
A
male
reader, mrvayne01 +, writes (20 July 2008):
mrvayne01 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I'm still naive at my age, but I just assumed someone contacting me a lot was showing high interest level and was therefore fairly available. If that's wrong I'll take my lumps for assuming. BTW I broke it off after finding that out and if I were to give the details of her ex-involvement as she gave them to me I think you'd all agree it was for the best. Thanks for your answers.
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A
female
reader, pashanoodle  +, writes (20 July 2008):
 I don;t really think your anger at her sounds fair - from what you've described. What has she done to break you "trust" in her? Not tell you something soon enough? And then it was only a week before she did?? Why does it even matter - the guys an 'ex' and is now just a 'friend'..so what's the problem?
Perhaps you need to examine what you are looking for when you begin relationships on these sites...chances are there alot of people on there who aren't looking for the same thing as you...that doesn;t make them bad people.
If you feel so strongly about this incident, then maybe "friendship" with this woman won;t be possible for you - and you should part ways. Neither of you need this heavy stuff so soon!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2008): It sounds like the woman in question idea of friendship is a "friends with benefits" sort. That is, she wants to date around without having attachment to one person. That does not mean that she would not be willing to share things of her life with you. She is however warning you not to expect much more than the occasional nice conversation and eventual intimacy. This is my read of the situation.
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