A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:can i trust him? and is there any hope for recovery?background: i was with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years. the first 2 years i was a bit iffy about the relationship (i've always had a hard time committing - i've never cheated, but i always wonder if this is the right person for me) he was head over heals for me... then i finally realized that the relationship was good, sex was still amazing, he was a good man, we had great communication, we had lots of fun together, why was i holding back? so i jumped in and went for it. things were good, we were both happy, after being together for 3 1/2 years i was getting the itch to move in together, he started to get uncomfortable... then sex started to dwindle, he became distant, things weren't working... he couldn't talk about it, wasn't sure what the problem was himself... he thought that it was that he needed more time for focusing on his music and knew that he wouldn't be able to give me the time and attention that i deserved... swore that he loved me and if he was ready to settle down i would be the one that he would want to be with, but that he just wasn't ready to take the next step.so we broke up.6 months later, after he got his dream band going, we started hanging out again and he said that he wanted to get back together, his dream band was on it's feet and moving forward, that he was ready to move in together. he shared some intimate things that he thought was holding him back in addition to getting his lifelong ambition going. we were communicating as we once were, we were connecting again, sex was once again amazing... things were great! then after only a few weeks, i freaked him out by wanting to check out an apartment that looked really amazing (a little ahead of our 2-3 month schedule of moving in!). i totally understand why that would freak him out - moving way too fast. oops. then things got rocky again. he started distancing himself again... life has been rough for him with possibly being laid off of work... and now he's been assigned to laying off friends/co-workers... so i understand he's under stress at work. i'm trying to give him the space he needs. but wtf? he comes back into my life than freaks out and runs away?i know that he really cares - a few different close girlfriends of his (and acquaintances of mine) have told me how miserable he was w/out me while we were apart. that he said he'd been dating but nobody compared to me. that he knew what a fool he was being... but that he just needed to get this out of his system.current situation: we're working on getting communication back to the norm. trying not to freak out about the little things. we had a heart to heart were he expressed that he still and will always really love me. why all of the girls he hooked up w/ while we were apart didn't measure up... *but* that he's conflicted cause he's got "an urge to sleep with other women". realizes that we've got something amazing, but still feels this way. he swears that he hasn't lied to me or been with anyone else. but has admitted to flirting with girls online. i do feel that he is being totally straight w/ me about this. 1/2 of me is pissed that he's got this "urge", but the other 1/2 thinks it's great that he's able to share this conflict that he hasn't acted upon w/ me. i like this openness. i'm trying to be mature and open minded. i feel that most men feel this innate urge to "spread their seed". but i also realize that some men are able to put this urge aside for the right woman. we haven't broken up. i told him that i am trying to be understanding and that we can work through this together. he seemed relieved about my willingness to hear this and ability to work with him. he swears that he won't act on this and that he just needs some time to work through things.am i fooling myself thinking that he'll realize for himself that this urge is selfish and immature? that if he really loved me he wouldn't be fantasizing about hooking up girls that he meets? or is flirting with on the internet? or needing this external praise from other women to boost his ego?i'm also starting to loose my trust in him. am wondering why his email and myspace accounts are soooo private to him - won't open up around me. am starting to wonder if his need for time to assess the situation is just time needed to assess the situation w/ other women? i can tell that he is working on making our relationship work, but i also feel that he's being a bit private about things. distracted at times and holding things back. he claims it's work stress (layoffs). i want to believe him, but i've got my own trust issues that are making things difficult. and there are some things that aren't right - he's still carrying condoms around in his bag (not OUR current form of contraceptives), though shamefully, i've been checking and am aware that he hasn't used any of them. i haven't confronted him about this - cause i know that me snooping in his bag isn't right, would piss him off and push him away. can't blame him! and i know that my lack of trust is adding to the problem as well...i know that women out there would think that i'm wasting my time... but i'd like to hear from men who understand this *urge* and might be able to share some insight as to whether he's really trying and might come through and work this out? it has been 4+ years of mostly goodness... or am i just setting myself up for heartbreak?friends that know us do think that he just needs some time and space... but i also don't think they know the whole story... most of which i've just shared w/ you.what do you think: am i being an ignorant fool or a patient understanding girlfriend?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Lamb  +, writes (17 November 2008):
i think you need to be very careful here. he is being honest and open now. but you know, they say trust works in the cheater's favour. if you allow the secrecy to continue, you allow the possibility of him turning into a cheater. its a tough issue- trust is something that people give away freely, but actually it should be earned. i'd be very insecure if my bf told me he felt the urge to sleep with other women. maybe he is just at a curious stage. i know a guy who has a long term gf who he loves a lot. but last year he went rthrough a stage where the r'ship was open, due to his wanting to date other women. mostly women he met through myspace, i might add. anyway it seemed in that stuation it was a case of "getting it out of his system" because now he says he's over taht stage and only has eyes for her/ they're even talking about marriage and kids. but she is one very understanding lady if you ask me! i'm not sure i could trust my bf that much to let him stray. and i'd always wonder if the situation would arise again.still, you know how the saying goes: 'if you ove someone, set them free. if they return they were always yours, if they don't, they never were..'good luck!
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