A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncle’sI wouldn’t really call this an issue, however I would like others opinions on it.So I’ll get to the point. I am 30 years old and have been single for a few years. I have dated a few men in that time but nothing has really worked out for various reasons. I have been single at various times in my life, although I’ve never felt lonely being on my own and can make myself happy. I’ve always considered myself to be independent, strong with healthy self esteem. I never put my value on a man or base it around what others think of me. I have however, lately been wanting a relationship. Not because I’m lonely and I am NOT desperate for one. Just because I’m at the age where it would be nice to share my life with someone. What I want to know is - does anyone else think that their sex drive is driven by emotions? I’ve never considered myself an overly sexual person outside of a relationship. I don’t have one night stands or FWB relationships and never have. I am not judging people who do. I believe everyone is different and the only person I should judge on things is myself. Even when I’m dating a man I take a good couple of months before having sex with him. Not because I think that’s what everyone should do, but because I know myself VERY well. I can never guarantee with me that if I have sex with a man that I won’t catch feelings for him and I am NOT prepared to hurt myself in the long run. Sex has always been an emotional thing for me. I need an emotional attraction to a man before having sex with him. I don’t even fancy a man physically until I know him emotionally. I have no desire to have sex with a man without it. When I am in a relationship though I have a high sex drive. Although single, I have found in the last 6 months that I am very horny a lot of the time. I masturbate nearly everyday. I have sex dreams most nights and am starting to think about men sexually even with out an emotional attraction. Usually when I’m single I have no desire. I’m maybe thinking that the reason I have been feeling like this the last few months is because deep down I have a desire to be in a relationship. And because of that desire my sex drive has increased? I am certain my sex drive is linked to my emotions. Has anyone experienced the same thing? I know some people are able to separate sex from emotions. Or could it be my age? I’m not really worried about it because I have self control and am not scared of my sexuality. I will wait for a man that is right for me. I would just like to know if anyone is similar as most of my friends are not like me and don’t understand. Thanks
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horny, no desire, one night stand, self esteem, sex drive Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 August 2020):
 So, you are demi-sexual. It's more common than you think.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 August 2020):
 I think, in practice, sex and emotions ARE separated. Sex is very basic, very simple. When your body decides you need water , it send you thirst signals, so you remember to drink. When your hormones decide that you should be sexually active and not waste all those beautiful little eggs, ..it sends you sex dreams .
The problem is that sex per se is so basic and so simple that for most people it becomes boring and unappealing if it is not shored up with emotions, feelings, expectations, plans and projects....Having sex can be either the response to a natural , primal instinct, or a new way to " read " our environment and reality, a new way to get to know who we are deep down, what we care about, what we need to feel happy... Or both, of course.
It's, like, - food, for instance. When you are famished, starving, a piece of dry, stale bread will do, it will give you enough energy to carry on, which is all what your body required in the first place.
If, instead than just for energy and fuel, you are looking for gratification and enjoyment- then ,though, you will wait for dinnertime, and book a table at that delicious French restaurant downtown, and you will order something special and will take your time choosing which dish, to be coupled with which special wine... and will debate with your friends the merits and demerits of every food you are being served. Not just an appeasement of instincts , so, but a psychological, intellectual , and emotional pleasure.
I think maybe this is what happening with you now.
A bit- the other way around than what you think, i.e.your body is not trying to tell you that you need a relationship. It's trying to tell you that it's hungry, it's famished, you deprived it too long, way too long of fuel, because you were waiting for the right restaurant with the right atmosphere and the right smells , as you are used to do when you are looking for - a pleasant, memorable experience , not just for fuel to keep your body going.
Of course, this is not an invitation for you to go out and grab the first male who passes by for a night of fun and frolic in order to shut up your pesky hormones. This is just my interpretation of what may be happening to you.
The body is like a child, very immediate, very here-and-now, it wants what it wants when it wants it, and it lets you know- whether it is a good idea or not. But, not every child has to be indulged and not every whim has to be appeased. While if your body wants water and can't get it- you die, if your body wants sex and can't get it, you won't die, you'll just be mildly uncomfortable.
So, if your M.O. is waiting for it to happen under certain conditions ( with the right persons , places and times etc. arising certain specific, particular emotions ) well, you are the boss :).
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 August 2020):
 Simple answer is yes, for many it is.
I'm the same as you, I have not slept with a guy that I hadn't dated for a good while and it was something more of a bonding moment (for me) that solidified that this was a guy I could see myself with long term.
Doesn't mean you don't get horny.
Doesn't mean your BODY doesn't crave some physical release. And let's face it, you are 30 so the biological clock might also be ticking.
I think you are "fibbing" a little when you say you aren't attracted to anyone until you FEEL you know them emotionally... Girl, I bet that isn't entirely true. You just don't ACT on that. Because who are you having these sexy dreams with? Attractive "fantasy characters" right? So while they may or may not be real, you in your dreams you are obviously turned on and attracted to the character you are having sex with, real or not.
Thee is nothing wrong in wanting a connection before jumping into bed. I think it's rather smart, others may think it's old fashioned but YOU do you!
You friends might not totally understand because they GO for the instant gratification. You are OK with waiting and building something deeper.
Funny enough Carl Jung felt that "sex dreams" were less about sex/intimacy and more about conflict. So the sex dreams were a soother in a sense. A way to avoid the conflict that might be going on. So IS there any conflict in your life?
Or is it simply your body trying to tell you something?
A woman's libido goes through so many ups and down as we mature, it can also be that you are MORE ok with masturbation than you were when you were younger? That you have accept that you are a sexual person ?
Being OK with being single is good, but wanting a life partner is good too. That doesn't make you "desperate". It's kind of why were are still a species :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): "I’m maybe thinking that the reason I have been feeling like this the last few months is because deep down I have a desire to be in a relationship. And because of that desire my sex drive has increased?"
"I am certain my sex drive is linked to my emotions. Has anyone experienced the same thing? I know some people are able to separate sex from emotions."
You've answered your own question. If it happens to you, it can also happen to others. Your values and behavior are driven and developed by your upbringing; what you've been taught; what stage/age you're in during your psychological-development; and what you've been exposed to during the course of your childhood-development, up through adolescence.
In your teens and twenties, you're mainly driven by your hormones. Your feelings had to catch-up with your urges! You told yourself you were in-love; or at least you told your partner whatever they wanted to hear to get sex!
You also pick-up notions, opinions, and perceptions based on your experience; so our feelings respond or correspond to a particular stimuli. You may feel this way now, and differently next year; based on certain environmental-factors, your physical-health, mental-health, and your moods. Everyone is different, and a lot will be determined by whom you're with; and how you feel about them.
I can be drawn to, or attracted to, someone so strongly that there's great chemistry and sexual-tension. There might be no actual emotional-attachment at the onset. I don't act on my impulses; as I might have when I was back in my 20's. I've never been the promiscuous kind of guy; although I have a healthy libido, and rigorous sex-drive. Back in the day, if the opportunity arose and presented itself; I'd quickly cease on that opportunity. I was in a serious and committed-relationship, most of my adult-life. I'd been with females, had my first man-on-man encounter, and then I fell in-love with someone I'd practically grown-up with. Hiding my attraction and real affection all the while. We were friends and pen pals.
Once I actually experienced what it means and feels like to be in-love; I noticed the quality and difference in the sexual-experience. It seemed to have a more euphoric and profound psychological-affect; than when I just hooked-up with some random and consensual-partner. I developed a need for some kind of emotional-connection first; even if I didn't intend to pursue a committed-relationship. Meaning, I've never had a one-night stand, never had sex on a first-date, and I'm not in the habit of anonymous-sex with strangers; like many of my gay-peers. Some of my gay-male friends lived-up to and surpassed gay-stereotypes!
I consider what will be expected of me if sex entered the picture; and how I would be affected once it happened. I'm naturally-cautious, maybe a little too analytical; but I'm not timid by any means! I have to make a human-connection before I engage, with girls being the exception. I was curious, and I like they way they look, smell, and feel. No, I'm not bisexual. I've never fell in-love with a woman. Although, I have many women in my life that I love, and I am dearly-devoted.
That's the wisdom you assume with age and experience. Serving in the Air Force, and when attending college; I was in an experimental-stage. I just wanted to satisfy my urges; and finally see what sex felt like with a man. I had not really accepted my sexual-orientation at the time. I had sex with a few females; but could not make an emotional-connection. I enjoyed the sex, but nothing stirred inside. I then tried it with an older-man, with whom I had a school-boy crush. He was handsome, very intelligent, and it was amazing. Then I knew. My pen-pal and I hid our true-feelings for each-other; but pretended to be a couple of heteros. We finally came-out to each-other, and were together as a couple for a total of 28 years; from our initial meeting at 16, until he passed away with cancer. I became celibate for nearly two years after his death. Turned-down date after date; even when I wanted sex. I knew, it would be meaningless; and I was way too used to something meaningful. Sex was high-risk, and many guys hadn't been tested. Then I met the guy who woke me up inside. That went-on for 10 months; until he blindsided and dumped me. I went numb again, came here to DC; and shared my feelings, and vented after the breakup. I love helping people; and reading the advice given by readers, aunts, and uncles. People tend to mistake our advice as judging them. No, you come here for opinions from people who have never met you. We go-by what you write and explain; and we take it from there. No-one knows you here! Judging takes more than words on a screen.
I prefer sex with someone whom I've connected on an intellectual-level, I like people close to my own age and level of experience; and we have to vibe on the same plane...meaning, we get each other without a lot of words. I find that invigorating, sexy, and an extreme turn-on. Just being hot and pretty isn't enough; I need something I can relate to, and can sense as a meeting of the minds. Connecting through a mutual-understanding. That makes the sex fantastic for me. Not having had a huge number of sex-partners; I can remember how good it was with every partner I've ever been with. Male and female!
I guess until you make the right connection; you're still searching until you find it. Some go nearly a life-time searching; but have never reached the maturity or mental state-of-mind, where sex with meaning is more satisfying. For many, it's just a way to satisfy a biological-need or an urge. Nothing wrong with that, if that's who you are, and the way you think; but you're missing-out on what it feels like, when you finally have found someone who changes the way you feel about sex from that point on. I found him, or he found me. I'm really not sure which! The emotion is always present during sex, and lingers long afterward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2020): I only slept with guys I was attracted to emotionally not just physically. I wouldn't use the word "love", because being in love is more than being attracted to or having a crush.
However, I never waited for months to have sex with them.
When I know I like someone, I know and I don't need any validation in terms of standing the test of time.
There haven't been that many of them. One turned out to be a one night thing after a two month long "courtship". He turned out to be gay. One was straight out crazy (I mean with a diagnosis), not something you could find out after waiting for two months. He was not aggressive, but had depressive episodes and was on meds. But I was attracted emotionally to both of them! Otherwise I wouldn't be able to find them physically attractive, even though the first one was model-beautiful.
This attraction I talk about has only twice evolved into real, adult love.
So there's that.
I know that some women do not need to feel this to have sex.
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