A
female
age
30-35,
*tracy
writes:I have asked advice on here before and I usually end up following it. I am a 20yr old bisexual female. I fell for a girl in one of my classes and we became great friends, she is gay. That was four months ago and I am still working hard to try and date her. I literally bend over backwards for her. I drive everywhere. Every time we go out I buy. I bought the muffler for her car, I bought expensive concert tickets, loaned her money and never asked for it back. In all I have spent over $450 on someone im not dating. I understand when she says she doesn't want to rush and she wants to take things slow. However last night I saw her fav. artist was coming to our state and I decided I was going to surprise her with tickets. I texted her about the artist, but I didn't tell her I was buying them. I then told her I do not want her to feel like I am trying to buy her love. I also said I do not want her to feel obligated to like me because I spend money on her. Needless to say she flipped hard core and told me I just lost my chance with her. She also said she can't trust me if I say things like that. I wasn't trying to start a fight at all and I didn't mean it to sound mean. Is what I said that wrong?What do I do to get her to forgive me? I apologized a million times and tried to tell her my emotions, but still no results. I am not sure if this makes a difference from her reaction, but she is bipolar.Please help I really really like her. :(
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 June 2011):
 I am trying to figure out WHY you like her.
Bipolar disorder does have a switch that can flip moods rather quickly.
It sounds like you had a huge misunderstanding. She might have misinterpreted WHAT you were implying. She has to be the one to explain that to you.
Ask her "I do not understand what I said that upset you. I would like to understand, because I do care about your feelings. If I do not learn, I can not avoid that in the future. Can you help me be a better friend to you?"
HOWEVER, it sounds like YOU ARE in a ONE SIDED friendship and have become quite a bit of a sugar Momma. You may end up with an empty heart AND empty wallet. WHY to you feel compelled to take care of things for her financially? If you do not allow someone to contribute where they can, within their means, then you NEVER have a mutually responsible and equal relationship/friendship.
I would say you are trying WAY too hard to get her to like you. Back off.
Best Wishes.
A
female
reader, CrazyCaroline21  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Like Drew21 mentionted
It's probably because of her condition or she just heard it wrong.
So just make sure you speak to hear and say you want to keep the friendship, and just dissapear for awhile.
If you truly did bend backwards for her, she will notice your absent, people often see how valuable someone is when their gone. She will most likely be more appreciative or even iniate contact with you, and stop spending money on her.
Good Luck To You
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Maybe she just sees dollar signs when she looks at you. My wife had an ex like that. A person who just wants what they can get out of you financally. This could explain why she flipped out when you said what you said. I think it is better to wash your hands before you are out $30,000. Just a thought!
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Hard to say what's going on in her head. Maybe it's the bipolar issue. I'm not sure i see anything that warrants her losing TRUST in you in what you said.
I do think what you said was a bit awkward and out of place, though. I'm not sure why you would even bring up the comment of "I don't want to buy your love" in that situation, when you say you hadn't told her you were buying the tickets.
She may have just been confused and not understood what was going on, and took that as a possible warning flag?
It's possible that she may have been a bit insulted when you said you didn't want her to feel obligated to like you because you were spending money on her.
It's possible that you bringing that up made her think you were totally overthinking and overanalyzing your relationship, and she got scared.
I hate to say it, but it almost seems like your forcing a connection for a relationship where there really is none, currently. You do seem to be trying REALLY hard to get her to like you, almost to the point of desperation. That's always a turn off in a relationship, ya know?
I would dial things back a bit. Give her some time and space to cool down (maybe a couple days? A week?) Then ask her if you can go out for a coffee or something and have a talk.. Tell her that you apologize for what you said, you didn't mean it that way, you REALLY like her and her company. Her friendship is something you really value.
Then i would dial it all back. Don't pay for everything.
Don't bend over backwards. There has to be give and take in any relationship, right?
Right now you are completely forcing the issue, and it seems like it's scaring her away a bit.
Relax, give it time. She may realize there's a relationship there she wants to pursue, but she may not.
If she wants to take things slow, then you really do need to slow down a bit.
I wish you luck!
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