A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in what feels like an impossible situation. I have been in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend for five years.I never really had many friends but of late have started making them. I am gay and would like to have some gay friends as well as straight ones. My boyfriend finds this absurd.Anyway last night I was invited out by a gay guy I've become mates with. Knowing my boyfriend's feelings I discussed it with him first. He said it made him uncomfortable so I said I wouldn't go and he then said no that wasn't right, and that if I wanted to go then I should.So I did. Big mistake! Now it is like I have betrayed him. He thinks because he said it made him uncomfortable I shouldn't have gone, and the fact that I did go means I don't care or something.This morning I said I would never do it again and he got angry that I would want to all the time and then be unhappy just staying at home. This isn't true but my words don't seem to carry any value on this subject and I just don't know what to do any more.Also me going out period is a problem. If it is for work or college it is fine, but as soon as it is coffee or something else he doesn't like it. I am lost.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis reaction seems to be mostly a subconcious one. He told me that of course I should do what I would like to, and that he would be fine.
So I went out and it wasn't fine. Now he says he can't handle it and wants to break up and move out. Isn't a ridiculous case of insecurity? I mean I have been out one night a week for a few weeks and that is his reaction.
Otherwise he is perfect.
A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (25 August 2009):
 dont retract from society, this man is controlling you and tring to limit your life. if he cared about you he would not be tring to own you and control your movements. does any of this make you happy? personally i would retract from him and see how life without his behaviour can be like for you...
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTurns out he doesn't want me having gay friends AT ALL and doesn't want me to go out. Total lack of trust and insecurity and it is stressing us both out. I am not sure there is anything I can do though?
I feel like a sure way to make things right between us is for to just retract from society but that surely would be a mistake.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (24 August 2009):
part of being in a relationship is listening and while you are trying to give him good advice he isn't listening. he needs to listen to what you are saying (currently all he cares about is how he feels). taking on board what other people are saying involves taking their advice. if your relationship is going to fall apart because of his insecurity then it is a big deal and a counsellor would help. you have a right to have friends.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says in his past a similar situation resulted in his then partner doing something terrible. I understand this and how it could make him feel but seriously I am not that person and don't think I should be treated as though I am.
This is such a big deal for him that he almost left me yesterday. I feel like I have to have him and no friends, or have friends and lose him. That just isn't right. I said he should speak to someone about it as that sort of anxiety isn't healthy but that didn't impress him very much.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify +, writes (23 August 2009):
controlling behaviour by your boyfriend is making you unhappy and he is blaming you for situations he is engineering. his insecurity is sign of lacking trust. why does he lack trust. you should be able to do what you want freely and he should accept you have a life and have one of his own. is this where the problem lies. because this all sounds quite possessive...
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (23 August 2009):
 Well, your boyfriend seems to have some control issues. It's not unreasonable to go out with your friends, you are most certainly entitled to have friends and interests that don't involve him. You are a complete person, not an extension of him that he can control at will.
I think that you need to reassure him that because you go out and have friends doesn't mean you don't love him and your relationship is still strong...but only do it once or twice. His jealousy and control are his issues to deal with, and he must come to terms with the fact that you are not a caged bird. You should also call him on the fact that he did say it was okay, and that you cannot read his mind no matter how long you have been together.
If he cannot cope with the fact that you have friends and a life outside of your relationship, you will have to consider if this relationship is still right for you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, SugarCookie +, writes (23 August 2009):
You are in a hard position that many couples face only its harder for you. Everyone likes to be around others like them and in a heterosexual relationship this works because you hang around people of the same gender so there is no fear of being cheated on. What might help a lot here, because I felt the same way your mate does, (he feels lonely and left out) is if you invite him along. If he gets to know and trust the people you are with and he feels he doesn't have to sit at home alone he will become more open to it. Right now your boyfriend feels lonely and insecure. Try inviting him and making him a part of things and that should help.
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