A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I'm an 19 year old girl and I've been seeing my new fella (he's 21) for about 6 weeks. He's amazing :)However. The sex started off great - loving, sexy, respectful, lots of foreplay.Now he is still loving and sexy and respectful, but he seems to have kind of... lost the thread a bit. He doesn't go down on me EVER now (I wash every day!) but I always go down on him, and he doesn't even finger me anymore. It's just kissing then straight-up sex. And then he gets frustrated because I don't orgasm. I tried talking to him about it in the nicest way I could think of, and he tried to not be offended but I could tell he was. I think what's getting to him is that he's had more sexual partners than me, but doesn't actually have much experience. For instance I was the first girl to go down on him, and the first girl who's got him doing kinky stuff (which he LOVED, that isn't the culprit!) but because he's a bit older and a guy, he feels like he should have done it all before me, which is rubbish. I told him he's amazing at foreplay which is true, but he doesn't seem to believe me. Another thing - like a lot of guys, he's always had a bit of a thing for anal sex without ever having actually done it (neither have I). I said I was up for it so long as we took it slow and it started off using fingers. I happened to mention quite cheerfully that I didn't really yet understand the phenomenon because frankly I can't imagine wanting to stick anything up anyone's arse, but I'm always up for something new. He just went silent and then told me to 'forget it', in a mock-miffed way. And he hasn't mentioned it since. Didn't he realise that's what anal sex entailed?!Is this why he's suddenly 'given up' on good sex?! What can I do?
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female
reader, hannahgolightly +, writes (31 October 2009):
 Hello,
I can understand your confusion, but I can see what's happened with your man. Ok a quick lesson in Men: Men like to feel CAPABLE and TRUSTED... when I say trusted in this context I mean, they like to feel like we trust them to be able to take care of or do something. Men rarely ask for help because of this. So with a situation like yours, you need to tread carefully.
It sounds like he feels 'incapable' which makes him feel less of a man. This is bound to make any man feel vulnerable. Not a good starting point for sex. He seems to be hiding his vulnerablilty in acting selfish. At the beginning of your relationship he was a giving partner.
I am guessing you suggested trying anal sex with him so that he could be the first to try something with you that you had never done with anyone else. That was a positive idea in theory... but in reality, I don't believe you wanted to do it for yourself and that led to ridiculing the idea when discussing it with your boyfriend in a 'cheerful tone'... not very sexy and not good for his confidence. The way you 'cheerfully' voiced your opinions about anal sex made him feel stupid.
Sex is not a competition. From what I have read, both you and your boyfriend have made eachother insecure within your relationship by over-sharing your sexual histories. He made you insecure with the notches on his bedpost and you retaliated by comparing him to other guys you'd been with and overwhelming him with your sexual experience.
If the pair of you are to move forward, you both need to go back to your original loving connection and rebuild the trust, that is the only thing that will resolve things in your bedroom.
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