A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has said "fuck you" to me at increasing frequency. I remember the first time being offended, he said it with anger towards me in an argument. The next time it made an impression, I remember thinking I was numb to hearing it, and mocksaid it back to him, feeling like I wasn't even hurt by it, but he said it out of anger then, too. Now, today, he said it, because I told him to shut up while we were watching the most recent episode of Breaking Bad and he was talking through a very emotional scene. He was seriously angry when he said it today too and I'm just feeling like this is the line, like at least before (sorry I can't remember the details) but it was in the context of relationship arguments, and it makes more sense to me that that was "warranted" although to be honest I don't think anyone should say f you, especially to a lady. Then I wondered like, is it worse that it's in passing vs. in a serious argument like maybe I shouldn't take it so seriously when the thing that stimulated it wasn't serious. But he stormed out of the house about it. I thought he would apologize when he came back in but he hasn't. I guess my question is where are other people's lines for this kind of language directed towards you... is it better or worse that the reason it's being said to you is spurred by something minor? I could see answers ranging from me being too sensitive to me having too little self esteem/backbone to doing things about it. I am going to confront him about it and say that this language is unacceptable to me but I'm thinking maybe I should just end it. I don't have a kid but at one point I thought were were going to be a family and I don't want this to be around a family, I don't want a kid to see her mother being treated this way..
View related questions:
self esteem Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): It's not so much a line as a boundary. And you can draw it wherever you want.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEnlightening..thanks, all.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 LoveinQuanta is actually correct. When I replied earlier, it was after recalling an awful date when the guy told me to "f**k off" completely out of nowhere. I had not told him to shut up, or anything like it. I never saw him again; his anger outburst scared me.
It sounds like the pair of you are rude to each other. I haven't told anyone to shut up since I was a child. Was he pestering you on purpose during your important TV show? Or trying to tell you something important?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): I'll add another facet to the conversation to say that while your boyfriend swearing at you is by no means good or healthy, it sounds from your post like you were rude and dismissive of him several times. Is he more important, or are actors on a screen more important? If I were talking to my sweetie during the climax of a good movie, although I probably wouldn't, but let's just say I thought of something I really wanted to share at that moment-- and then he told me to shut up -- at the very least I would want to cry. I would probably walk off to cry somewhere else. Not that I'm that much of a baby (on occasion I can be), but it's like, I'm your partner, the love of your life, and you think the TV screen has more to say than I do. Honestly, no wonder he felt pissed enough to lash out. You also have a right to watch what you want uninterrupted, but in a way that doesn't make your parter feel like crap. If he started to talk during an AMAZINGLY important scene, I would turn to him and say, "Hey babe, I really want to watch this! In a second, please?" And then when it was over, or when I could pause the Tivo or Netflix or other fancy TV service, I would turn to him and ask what he was going to say. That way you can watch and he can not feel dumped on and unimportant. I have no idea what your other arguments were about, and I understand you're hurt, but just keep in mind that many WAY nastier, more hurtful things can be said without swearing. Are you sure you aren't being nasty and passive-aggressive yourself, but you can claim the moral high ground because you didn't drop the F-bomb? The only reason I'm ragging on you like this is that you have a tone of infallibility throughout your whole post -- when is HE going to come back and apologize, HE did this, etc. etc. That's my hot button. Whenever anyone presents stuff like this in an entirely one-sided light, I KNOW there's more to the story. You aren't innocent, sweetie, and I'd take a good, hard look at yourself. It sucks that your boyfriend said what he did. But what's all you can control? No, point that finger right back around at yourself. You won't get anywhere trying to change anyone's behavior but your own. Ever. You haven't even told us what may have triggered his outbursts, but there are two sides to every story, always. ;)
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 September 2013):
 There are no official rules. Every person is different and so are their limits. ONLY the ones YOU make for yourself. YOU are in charge of how you let others treat you. If cussing at you is not OK, then you need to tell him and then YOU need to figure out if it is a deal-breaker or not.
And honestly in my book saying Shut Up is as bad as say F off!
Talk to him about how you two communicate. Just because you don't use a "bad" 4 letter word doesn't mean YOU talk to him in a nicer way then he does to you.
If that doesn't work, you only really have on option, move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 You did tell him to shut up, yes was disturbing your programm and anyone including myself would have been offended. I am not condoning the language he used but if you are going to be rude , then there is obviously no limit to how far he will be rude to you.
Respect is a two way street, so if a person screams, shouts, uses rude language then expect the other person to reciprocate maybe in a worst manner like swearing.
People are sensitive and if you want respect you need to give the same respect. Saying shut up to a grown person is good as swearing and insulting the person who is trying to have a conversation with you. Think about it the times he has sworn you, was it provoked, does he do it often for no reason? Maybe talk to him, set boundaries on how you both speak to one another. But definitely not a deal breaker.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Wow, total deal-breaker.
I would not be proud to call such a man the love of my life and my partner for life.
I would not trust him not to verbally abuse future children.
They'd grow up with no respect for you for allowing it to happen. And they would treat their friends and girlfriends in the same way.
...............................
A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 I agree with you. That is unacceptable behaviour. My ex husband started off with verbal abuse just like what you described. I ignored the signs. It soon escalated into physical violence. That's when I walked out. Now I'm able to recognize anger management issues: Raised voice (shouting), name calling which includes profanity, breaking stuff in anger.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (17 September 2013):
 It is serious no matter the occasion. And it is a deal breaker. Name calling is serious business, and I'd end a relationship over it. I've been in relationships where there was name calling, you see, and I finally drew the line. It is unhealthy, is shows a clear lack of respect, and it works to undermine the other person. It also develops, it never just stays at the same level. It gets worse, over time. Because now he's learned that you accept him saying that to you. He will continue to say it, because there were no consequences. Next he will test his boundaries and say something else, he will say it more often. You've already started to say it in return, next time you will say it again, and probably add another insult.
It goes downwards very fast. It takes away the respect in your relationship, it takes away the equality, and it teaches the both of you bad habits. Imagine having a child together, and then swearing, cursing and calling each other names in front of the child. It is a very unhealthy relationship that can do serious damage to anyone witnessing it, including the people in the relationship.
Imagine having your mother visit and your boyfriend gets upset and tells you to f yourself. There will soon come a point where he will be so carefree about it, and have so little respect for you and your mother, that he will do it. Because like I said, it develops very fast and goes down very fast.
Put a stop to it now, both for HIM and YOU. You need to NEVER lower yourself to that level. It shows a lack of respect not only for him, but also for yourself. Saying things like "shut up" is also rude, and should be avoided. You can say it POLITELY. Remember to always be polite, he is your boyfriend, not your doormat or slave.
Either put a stop to it by talking to him about it and both agreeing on it (and then keeping to that agreement), or end the relationship. A relationship with name calling has no future.
PS. There is NO excuse for name calling. If a person is so immature or mentally challenged they can not control what they say then they need to get a diagnosis. Adult people can watch their mouths (children too actually, but they tend to only mimic what they see the adults doing as a natural way to develop).
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): You have to decide where your line is. Mine? That guy would be gone. I too would be thinking of the future and would not want my children growing up in a household where swearing like that is a norm. It's bad enough they hear it in school and in public, but it won't be in my home.If he got that bent out of shape and had such a strong reaction the way you describe, would also be concerning to me. What happens when it's something really serious or important you need to discuss or you need to speak to him about?I would first sit down and try to talk to him about how your feeling about this. Be clear about what is concerning you and the respect you require from him. It's also important that you are not doing the same thing, with or without the swearing. Lead by example by confronting issues calmly and respectfully. Instead of telling him to shut up, tell him to hold that thought at the next break because you do want to hear what he had to say, with a gentle hand on the arm, or whatever. You both need to work on having disagreements in a more respectful manner. You can be mad, but dagar swearing accomplishes nothing. And when he does it, you stop immediately and calmly tell him not to speak to you like that and when he can talk calmly he can come find you and walk away. Like a child, no attention for bad behavior lol. Okay, this isn't a joke, but sometimes people have to learn somehow. Now, if you are flying off the handle right back at him....well, all of this will mean nothing.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): If you care about him, and would like a relationship with him, other than this sort of language, then I suggest you tell him. Let him know, that you don't talk to him like that, and it is not how you want him to talk to you. Tell him, you do not want a relationship where you talk to each other like that. You let it go the first time, so he may think it is ok. If he can't accept what you are saying, or he says ok but continues, then I would end it immediately. One chance only. This sort of language could be the sign of worse to come, but not necessarily. He may have tested the waters the first time he said it to you, got away with it, and allowed himself to say it again.I do not think you are being sensitive, if my bf spoke like that to me, I would probably end it, depending on what provoked it, and how much provocation he had etc. I would not find it acceptable. I can not imagine my father ever speaking to my mother like that, can you?
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (17 September 2013):
You rightly don't want a child to see it's mother being treated this way - that really is the bottom line. You are thinking of ending it, and I would be thinking exactly the same. It's better to end it sooner rather than later, in my opinion.
OP, you're not being too sensitive - they might only be words but they are very aggressive words. Whether in passing or in context of a heated row, it's wrong.
Good luck, be strong with whatever you decision you make.
...............................
|
