A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really need help getting over an ex. I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't let him go. We were great in the beginning, I really thought I had found the one I was meant to be with for life. Then my issues of insecurity came up and he basically did the opposite of help me. He would drive female friends to and from bars and bring them over to his apartment 1 on 1 after I told him it made me uncomfortable. He would argue with me for HOURS until I was sick of arguing and gave into whatever he was saying was acceptable. Don't get me wrong- I didn't care if he had female friends but he never introduced me to any of them and I knew nothing about them other than they wanted alone time with him.He ended up breaking up with me saying I was too jealous and insecure and didn't trust him. About a month later, he approached me and wanted to work things out. I thought we could work on what we both needed to fix but I just learned yesterday that during this time when he said he was single, he was actually in a relationship with another girl. He deleted me off Facebook and told me I would just make myself crazy looking at girls that didn't matter to him. Meanwhile, it was full of posts of the two of them on date nights.They ended up not working out apparently and when I found her thong in his apartment and asked who's is was, he told me it was just from a girl he had been seeing briefly when we were "off" and that she must have just left it there after showering at his place after going to the gym together. However, all the posts I can see show that they were in fact in a relationship while he promised he wasn't with anyone and focusing on us.Trust me, I'm well aware how dumb I am being. I can't understand what is so wrong with me to still kind of hope deep down we can make it work. He still denies they were ever together and that I'm being crazy and jealous. He constantly points out my flaws and tells me I have to change xyz if we're ever to work out in the future. I know he's making me the girl on the back burner and if he doesn't find someone else, he'll "settle" for me. Even though I am well aware of this, I still hold out hope. Why?!I don't know if it's a self esteem issue or what is wrong with me that I can't wash my hands of it, block him, and never look back. I've never struggled like this with any other boyfriend and he and I were only together for 2 years. I have a great career, motivated, active, and overall a happy person. If someone can give me insight into what is wrong with me I would really appreciate it.I would be frustrated reading this too, it really makes no sense when I know I deserve so much better.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2016): I would write down every time you both argue and what the arguement is about. I would write daily to myself how he is with other women and how you know he is cheating and lying. You have to face it and see it every day. It has to sink in. The more you face the fact that he is nothing but a player, manipulator, cheater, and liar, the quicker you will give up on him and realize you deserve better.
Women can tolerate a lot of things... but once they decide to let go, they are gone for good.
Remind yourself every day every minute you think of him, what a terrible person he is. Tell yourself you deserve better, and even if you need to stay single for a while it's better than being with him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2016): I've got to put this out there. It's nothing new. It's simple advice. Don't go into any relationship until you master most of your own insecurities. Here I go again. Repeating myself.
Insecurity kills relationships. Everyone has them, you're not human if you don't. The problem is when all people ever see or experience from you in a relationship is your insecurities. So work on those before you meet your next guy. That way you will evaluate who're you're dealing with before you fall head-over-heels for him and commit. If he's a great guy, he deserves a lady with her head on straight and able to be strong on her own. Insecure people drain the life out of you. I run from them the minute I see the signs!
I won't allow myself to be one, or with one!
Here's more advice. Guys with too many female-friends are either gay or players.
Now about that one on one time with other females. He's so full of of bullsh*t, his blue eyes are brown. You don't set your girl aside to invite another girl over for face-time. That's player b.s. if I've ever heard it. Doing his clever little dirt behind your back; then flipping the script to make himself look innocent, and his girlfriend feel guilty and wrong for not feeling comfortable with it.
How about you having a pajama party with a bunch of cute fellas with big ole packages? It's just fun and pillow fights! It's all innocent. Everyone will be wearing pajamas!
You had every right to make your feelings known about it.
If he never introduced you to them, they were dates!
You cling to him because you need his approval and validation. You need to feel that you're every bit as attractive and desirable as any other woman he's attracted to. Your competitive female-spirit wants to know you can compete among all the prettiest, and those other girls he gives his most undivided attention to. Even though you're broken-up. You only want him back to prove to yourself he finds you attractive enough to be a part of his fan-base.
Sweetheart, it doesn't matter.
Players screw-up your mind to make you feel there's something wrong with you, if you can't be like all the other girls. Those bimbos who bow and worship at his stinking feet. The other girls just like knowing they're hot enough to be a wedge between him and you. Some females are nasty, skanky, and scornful like that. Until someone does it to them! Just hovering around knowing they make you feel insecure and uncomfortable. If you speak-up about it, it will make him turn on you and pull closer to them.
Those harpies eat away at relationships other women have, because it's an ego boost. "I'm so hot I can steal your boyfriend!" Ha-ha, the jokes on them! He's playing them too! It will come right back; because there's always a skankier skank, who'll steal her man! Just down the road, when she thinks she has pushed all her spiteful days behind her, and found herself a true love.
Your bruised ego wants him back to ease the pain of his rejection. If you sat down and wrote out all the sorry and screwed-up things he has said and done to you; you'd get your head back on straight. The guy's a dick!
Now back to you. What are you holding out hope for? That he'll change his mind and come crawling back begging for forgiveness? No, he'll come back when he has pissed off every other female in town; and they're all gunning for him.
When he needs a place to hide, and sex on demand. That's what players do. They'll call you out of the blue, and play on your emotions. They know you still have a thing for them. They also know if you're a weak and insecure female. They prey on that type. They can do shitty things to them and get a reprieve simply by shedding crocodile tears and saying "I love you...but...you do this and that! I'll come back if you'd stop. If he offers you no compromise or changes on his part, you're just a sucker. Even if he made a grocery list of promises to change. He won't. He already knows he has the upper-hand emotionally; because you're dumb enough to still want him. Speaking figuratively, not calling you dumb, sweetheart. You're just broken-hearted at the moment and not thinking straight. Well... maybe a little dumb!
Get busy with your life and stop stalking social media to see what's going on his life. Get your own life. Stop being that sappy girl fawning over some dick who has a different chick in his bed every other night; and laughs at you behind your back with those back-biting she-demons who betray their own gender. Like I said, until the same crap boomerangs and comes back. Karma is a bitch!
Walk away. Stop stalking social media. Date other guys! If he comes back around. Show him this. Tell I said he's a dick, and you're about to change and find someone better.
Print this and hang it on your wall. I wrote it all for you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 February 2016):
 I don't think there's anything wrong with your self esteem, or that you are not good enough for him. Quite the opposite. He's being ridiculous and you kind or refuse to believe that the "one for life" suddenly turned into a selfish, a liar and disrespectful person. You feel that if you can't trust your judgment, then where's hope in future dating? You miss the old him and hope that he would snap out of his player behavior.
He knows you are a great catch and somehow he doesn't deserve you so he's purposefully jeopardizing what you had. You shouldn't take him back. He lied to you. He only approached you because the other girl didn't want him. He's not owning up to his mistake and was instead blaming problems on you. The thing is, this is not about jealousy, but boundaries when you are in a relationship. You don't act single when you should be spending time with your girlfriend.
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