A
male
age
41-50,
*amConfuzzled
writes:After six months with a person I have fell in love with I'm sitting here questioning if I should stay with her. She's the type of girl I could see spending my life with but she's also the type of person that drives me insane!I've never had a connection with a girl like this before. Someone who is able to communicate with me so easily. Here's the dilemma..I feel like I'm being manipulated, and treated like a yo-yo(pushed away and pulled back). I'm now getting stressed and my mind is playing paranoia/jealous tricks on me.When we're together things are great. When we're apart sometimes its fricken hell!Here some back story: My GF has issues and see's a therapist. I know she has her own stuff to work out and some of it is the reason she is the way she is. We've talked almost every single day in the last 6 months. In the beginning she said she felt crowded so I stopped initiating texts and phone calls. I backed off and she felt better. Now, I only do it if its necessary but I feel like I can only talk to her when she "allows" it.example: She had a preplanned event/vacation to go on and the second part of this was to see a married dude she called a friend who she never has met before that she found a few years ago on an iPhone app game!!! We talked one night and i asked if she was having fun and she says "how can i when i feel like I have to report in all the time".. I never asked her or expected her to do this. I told her this and said "I want you to call me only when you want to talk to me, if you don't want to, don't call. simple as that" during her entire trip i never once txt or called her. (she apologized for this the next morning)Because of this.. my mind is now playing "worst case scenarios".She's very "secretive" so to say but she is like this with everyone. She doesn't like letting other people in her personal life. She doesn't answer questions directly and beats around the bush or avoids it completely. She doesn't want to be facebook friends because "she caught a previous BF cheating on her that way" but I'm fine with that. She says she has parts of her life that she doesn't want me to know about.. ok fine, i'll accept that too, I have secrets too, although i'm willing to share mine. urgh!Again, because of this.. my mind is now playing "worst case scenarios".She's also said some really cruel things. "You don't bring anything good to my life." and "If you died today, I'd be fine tomorrow." oh and "I feel like you're physically abusive" even though I never hit her or grabbed her or anything. This abusiveness is her being super sensitive to my chin hairs when i kiss her and the callus on my right hand when i massage her or rub her back. Stuff like that.Because of this.. I have stopped touching her unless she asks or I know to be aware of everything I'm doing each moment.We never fight. We have discussions but no yelling. Which I love, because we communicate better then every other relationship I've been in.On a positive note, she brought up the option of seeing a couples councilor or whatever. She has told me that she knows she treats me like shit and wonders why I'm still here. I don't want to give up on her because past all these issues she is the best thing in my life. She is a good person and does so much for me. Cooks, cleans, buys me clothing or necessities for the house, she always thinking of me and my personal welfare, my health, my happiness, my everything. She has invested a lot into me.On the flip side, there's me...I've done everything she has asked, changed some of my ways, done what I can do to make her life for comfortable. I'm a very accepting person and from what she tells me most likely the only one true person that has ever really loved her... which scares her as she is not used to being in this type of relationship.I know this is a lot to take in. I know there's probably things i've left out or missed... but i'm really questioning my life with her.I don't know what to do!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 October 2012):
 PS. If you decide to stay anyway, and I think you're so in love that you will attempt this: then put your foot down. No more BS-ing from her. Demand respect. Respect yourself. No more changing for her, no more catering to her demands. Be firm as a mountain and let her rage on until she's done. Then when she behaves she can talk to you. But if she calls you names, manipulates you, is cruel towards you, you should ignore her. Hang up the phone if she's flipping on you. Walk away if she's crossing the boundaries. Put down a big red line that is not to be crossed. When she crosses it there needs to be consequences. Such as you not talking to her for a week.
You need to be firm, you need to dicipline her to be honest. And you need to demand. If she can not give you what you want, then she's no longer your girlfriend. For example, if you want her as a friend on facebook, she is to accept your friend request. Or else you're not in a relationship. Be firm. Don't be a push-over. Don't back down.
Most importantly, if she's rude to you there needs to be consequences. Don't ever sit and take it.
A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 October 2012):
If you have to ask if you should leave, then you should leave. When you're happy and in a good relationship you don't ask yourself these things. I know it is hard to hear, but it is your own happiness we're talking about. You clearly are not happy. Some of it is good, sure, but there's too much of the bad for you to be happy. If you were happy you wouldn't ask if you should stay or go. Something at the back of your mind is telling you you need to leave.
If you and her are meant to be you will find your way back together later in life, hopefully by then she's matured and isn't such a manipulative, cruel person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): Hello, you seem like so in love with this girl.i wonder how old are you? are you ready for marriage? why don't you ask her to marry you?You should know what to do, your the man. For all you know she might be just acting crazy 'coz maybe you have given her reason to act crazy.If you love her, show and tell her. Consistency is a must..Not like On and Off.. You know what i mean. Like today your so great but tomorrow i'll be different.maybe she's just waiting for you to do that for her..One more thing, any woman would appreciate their man doing things for them becoz you have initiative to do it, Not becoz we asked you to..No feelings, no emotions, no pressure, its not going to work. Its a rule for players, like just call me when you want to call me thing. Show and tell her that its not ok. you remember you also mention that she called you the day coz she knows she was wrong when she didn't called you while on a trip or something.Your the man, you have to do what you need to, this girl is in love with you too, she's just confused just like you, how did i know? coz im like her.. I have a tendency to tell the man i love i don't love him like that becoz of pride.There are some women, not afraid of letting go the one they love. Becoz we want whats best for the person we love, if we feel like were not making them happy, then we need to initiate letting go, without making it hard for the person we love.That's why she's giving you freedom...You need to make her feel your REALLY COMMITTED to her.. How? you should know as i say, your the man... Good luck..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2012): You feel that you are being manipulated because you ARE being manipulated! You are pandering to her needs and neglecting your own needs. Doing that will never make you happy!
You have a right as her partner to expect a little more from her than....`If you died today, I would be fine tomorrow`.
If she has had a rocky past with partners, I can understand you wishing to be her knight in shining armour but frankly I feel it is you who needs saving here. You need to make it clear to her just what your needs are. If she wont meet you half way, then seriously think about where this relationship is heading.
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