A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been going out with my bf for a year. I won't call myself psychic but let us just say I have a very strong 6th sense that is never wrong: normally they come in the form of dreams which will be recurring. (Keep an open mind here please, don't judge!)When I met my bf I told him about this so I said we should always have an honest open relationship. For instance, with my ex I once called him from abroad and could tell him exactly who had been out with the night before, where he was, a girl he met and what she looked like. Anyway, when I met my bf so far our relationship has been quite ok. There was a girl he told me he was seeing (just for sex) who was the last person he had slept with prior to us meeting. He told me he had no contact with her for over a month before we met. He always spoke of her quite negatively also.Something about my senses always told me there was something more. However, I never brought her up nor did we argue about her. She just came up in the convo infrequently.Lately, I had been having nagging dreams surrounding this girl. I haven't even thought about her since the beginning!...but it has been this way since childhood and I have learnt to trust my intuition which is something that always seem to guide / protect me. Every single time I go against it, it proves true....At around this time, he forgot to log off his pc. I have never nor is it in my nature to go through his or anyone's stuff. But I know what my instincts were telling me!I found all the mails he had been sending to her. It turns out that the relationship seemed more serious than I thought and also it had not ended when we met like he claimed! In fact, he was emailing her constantly every day! After we met, they were still telling each other they loved and missed each other. He was still also planning to meet up with her for sex (They had not met for sex nor has he seen her, however since he met me) She had even heard rumours about me, and when she asked him about me he just said I was a girl he met but there was nothing between us. Yet, all the time he was with me, pretending that she was long gone and he was fully single. Perhaps about a month or so after he officially ended it with her (via email!) Furthermore, they both had an STD too that they were taking pills for! Again, another thing he did not inform me of considering he was fooling around with me!Of course, a year later he is completely in love with me, wants to marry one day etc. He said to me that I am making a big deal about this and it has been a year ago. However, he is thinking I am just going by my dream. I haven't fully confessed all that I know everything so he isnt fully truthful. But I feel lied to and cheated: our relationship started on a lie and furthermore, he was awful to this poor girl!! Furthermore, who is to say he wont do the same thing again...he was also telling her how much he loved her etc until I came along. I feel disappointed by him.So tell me, am I over reacting by feeling upset with this? Is this the sort of person I should continue to date (who it seems, is a potential cheat) Or do I do as he says and get over it that it happened over a year ago?Thank you!
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (1 November 2012):
 You're very welcome and thank you for the feedback.Whatever you decide to do, things will work out in the end.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): I am the original poster.
Thank you so much to everyone. You have helped me so much.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (31 October 2012):
No, I don't believe you're over reacting and no, this is not the sort of person I think you should date.
For one thing he says he wants to marry you 'one day'. 'One day' is non committal. It's what you say to someone to put them off, but keep them around until you find something better (or they forget all about it). It's not as if you were a couple of 16 year olds waiting to come of age. You're old enough. If he wanted to marry you, he'd be making concrete plans now.
His lies were not little white lies. He told both you and another woman that the other was nothing serious. He gave both of you just enough hope to keep you around until he'd made up his mind.
Then there is the STD.
He is not obliged to provide details of his past lovers, but he VOLUNTEERED information he knew to be false in order to influence your decision to be with him. He could have said it was in the past and declined to discuss it further (which he has every right to do). Even that would have been honest. But he didn't.
Even if his feelings for you are sincere now, so what? You've seen how he treats people. It's easy to be nice to those you like when it's convenient. Character is better demonstrated by how one treats those they don't like or care about or when it is not convenient.
Nope, he does not have my vote of approval. Trust your intuition.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (31 October 2012):
I think I have a different view from most but I can see why you are upset. The thing is he sure did make a lot of mistakes with his ex but that doesn't mean he had to tell you everything that was going on with him and her...these things happen, people have a hard time letting go. He obviously wasn't proud of that relationship.
Similarly, the relationship you have with him isn't his ex's business. I would assume that as things between you and him got more serious, he phased her out of his life and he cut contact with her.
I'm not really sure about the timeline of events but it would be wise to come clean and just say you found his emails. There are things I disapprove of like the STD and he should admit that he also treated his ex badly. These are things you should talk about with him. It wont be easy ofc as it seems like he has put all of that stuff behind him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): I think I understand what you are experiencing. I too have the dreams and the 6th sense. I recently had the dream, and found out it was true about six weeks later. Similar to you, I recently discovered the behavior of my bf in the early days of dating, where totally unacceptable. I only found out through snooping. I knew what I had done was totally unacceptable too, and the only way for our relationship to work, was for me to be totally honest with him. I told him I had messed up and I had read his emails. Coming clean on what I had done, and then dealing with everything he had done, was the only way we could go forward. I suggest you do this too. There is no point having lies OR secrets in a relationship. It is possible, he still loved that girl when you first met, those feeling don't immediately disappear. It is possible he still wanted her to THINK they would have sex again... just in case you two didn't work out. He possibly wanted her to think you were not that important...just in case you two didn't work out. It is NOT ideal, but often in the beginning of a relationship, we don't know if it will last or if it will work out. There is always a possibility it will only last a few weeks, and some people don't cut other ties or 'prospects' till they know this is the person they want to be with long term. Did you talk about what was expected of eachother in the beginning of your relationship? From here, I strongly suggest you be totally honest.... the relationship will eventually fail if you are not, so you have nothing to loose. You then have a choice to either 1. Believe in his love for you, and believe what he tells you and go forward wholeheartedly. When ever you doubt - go back to this choice or 2. Walk away now.It is a very disappointing thing to happen, and it has spoilt things. But give it a few weeks and make a decision. In the whole scheme of things - does it really matter? It was only in the beginning and he didn't sleep with her. Do you love him and believe in his love for you now? Is he good to you, and you are otherwise happy? OR - it really does matter and you will never get over it, and it is unforgiveable, and you need to walk away?Snooping is wrong too. He will have lost some trust in you, that needs rebuilding. But you know his sins and he should know yours. There is NO POINT having a relationship where you feel a need to snoop, it will eat at your soul. Is TOTAL honesty what you want?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): You are not over reacting. Being lied to is horrible and it will force you to re-evaluate your relationship with him. That is very understandable. The fact that you have only just discovered his deception will hurt more than if you have discovered it at the time, because your feelings are (or were!) so much deeper for him now. And it will feel as if things have been built on a lie...because they have. He clearly is NOT the guy you thought you had met. You will be grieving for that guy because it will feel as if you have lost him. But he didnt really exist. There was and is, just this guy who has lied to you in the past and continues to lie to you now. A guy who was indeed very reckless with your health, which in my book is pretty much unforgivable. He should definitely have retested to make sure he had the `all clear` before engaging in sexual activities with you and potentially exposing you a sexually transmitted disease. That was wrong of him on many levels. The fact that he can not see what he did was very wrong and he is trying to brush it off as unimportant, shows a worrying character trait. And yes, given time you could also be treated the same way. Because he clearly feels it is OK to treat people the way he treated both yourself and this other girl with lies and deception. I really think you need to tell him what you know to be true and not just kid him that it was all in your dreams. Be honest with him, let him know you read it because he left his pc open and he is just digging himself a bigger hole by continuing to lie about things. The two of you can only really begin to sort this out properly once you both lay all your cards on the table and are completely honest with each other. But remember the old saying...once a liar, always a liar and dont expect too much from him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): Hey, I am the original poster! The STD they both had was chlmydia. At the time of their emailing they were both taking pills for it. We had not had sex yet, but we had been kissing. From my understanding, it can be contracted by kissing if they engaged in oral sex?He had sex with me (unprotected) after he finished taking his pill, which means the infection should have been cleared. However, I still feel this was wreckless as he should have gotten tested again to make sure it was cleared up before not using a condom.I am.l very aware of STD's so I do regularly get tested. I have been tested twice in the past year after sleeping with him and I hsve nothing.And yes, I do have the copies of their emails.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): while i agree with everything youwish is saying in the respect that he is definitely not someone you need to be with, the whole STD thing isn't necessarily true. not all STD's are incurable. in fact, you say they were taking pills for it, which leads me to believe that it WAS in fact curable. viruses like herpes and HIV of course are incurable. but most bacterial infections can just be cleared up with antibiotics. I'm not downplaying this at all, though. to not tell you about an STD when he was sleeping with you is down right dirty and terrible. you're lucky you didn't catch anything. as if that weren't bad enough.. he just proved he is completely capable of lying to you. if he could lie to you then, i wouldn't doubt that he could lie to you now. just like you said, if he could lie to that girl and leave her for you, he can most certainly do the same to you. i think this relationship is definitely worth leaving. i would say the trust is broken, and the fact that he's downplaying it goes to show he doesn't really feel that much remorse for lying. hope it all works out for you one way or the other.
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 OH! One more thing,
Can you get ahold of the printouts of his communication of his STD?? You should keep that proof.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (31 October 2012):
You are not overreacting at all. This is a pretty serious lie he was covering up for ages. Not only that, but am I understanding you correctly? He has an STD he hid from you? Did he tell you he had it before the two of you became physical (i.e. French kissing, oral sex, or intercourse)?
The STD thing is the most serious in my opinion. Yes, his keeping up a long and earnest relationship with her while he was with you is unforgivable, and that alone would have be break up with a boyfriend. But to knowingly expose you to an STD without your knowledge is hideous. In the US, in some states, it's a criminal offense. In others, there are civil penalties of negligence.
Don't let him touch you again. You need to go to your doctor and be tested for STD's to find out if you have been infected. It's a bad thing to lie and stay in contact with an ex. It's a REALLY bad thing to knowingly expose someone you say you love to an incurable disease. Such a thing is a crime against humanity. It takes a special kind of psychopath to do that to someone else.
You should NOT continue to date him. You should NOT allow him to touch you again. You SHOULD get screened yourself for STD. If any guy did that to me, every feeling I ever had for him would vanish, and I would be feeling an emotion that would be pretty close to hatred. Assault would be much kinder than spreading an incurable disease.
As for the thing with your dreams, dreams are your mind's way of working out things subconsciously. You were right to trust your intuition.
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