A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married over twenty years . I always try to take care of my appearance and keep the fun in our sex life yet everywhere we go he is constantly staring at you get it attractuve women. He never compliments me or seems to notice me.He is always ready for sex (but usually keeps his eyes shut.) I can't help wondering if he is actually thinking of the women he has been staring at . I have tried talking to him about the staring and lack of compliments many many times and he stops for a short while but seems to naturally revert to the same habitsI feel like a pair of old shoes that he keeps aroynd out of faniliarity .amd because. Knows he stands no chance with the women he looks at ( which only makes me feel second best )He clearly doesn't find me as attractuve as all these young women and it seems nothing I do would make me more appealing to look at than themIs this just part of a woman's lot as she gets older ? Accepting that her man will find younger womenSexier and more interesting to look at ? i don't want to stay in a marriage where he is withMeOut of convenience simply because he can't get a womanLike the ones he llusts after How do I deal with this? thankyou in advance forAny help or advice
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): A general advice to the ladies from a male perspective:Don't depend on him.Have your own life, hobbies, and interests, don't be a support actress in his life.Always take care of your looks.Look at your best at all times for yourself not for him.Play hard to get to him.Ask him to turn off the light before that last piece of clothe comes off,so to leave always some things to his imagination.Be active during love making to orgasm yourself. Nothing is worse than a woman who lies still and expects the man to do all the work.
As for closing the eyes during love making, that doesn't mean he is fantasizing about other women.most women also close their eyes.That is ecstasy. I hope this brief comment give some insight to how the male brain work.
A
male
reader, empty-1  +, writes (19 June 2015):
Glancing or even a single good look - yes, he's bound to do that, whether or not she's particularly attractive.
Staring and leering is just plain rude. He should know better. That sort of thing not only does you a disservice, it makes him look a complete cad, and can make others uncomfortable.
Time for a little harsh truth. Don't worry - there's sweet mixed in to balance the bitter.
You husband is going to find other females attractive. As you both age, he is very likely to find some other females more appealing to look at than you. That's a truth that you cannot change. That doesn't mean he's "keeping you around" like an old pair of sneakers. His emotional investment in you and your marriage is probably not something he is interested in losing. He's married to you because he LOVES you. Not -just- for how you look, but for who you are.
The familiar loses its novelty. A large part of why guys look is because we're not familiar with that other girl's curves like we are with our wife's. That novelty intrinsically draws our eye and makes us want to look.
That doesn't mean we want to be with her, it means we want to look at her curves.
Being in a relationship (as you already know, having been married for this long) is about much more than how good your partner looks, or how much you want them physically. Those things are certainly nice and helpful side dishes, but the real meat and potatoes are deeper things, like emotional connection, compatibility of beliefs and world views, common goals, and shared memories.
What troubles me here is that the way you phrase this inquiry - it seems he is behaving disrespectfully and boorish. This needs to stop, as there's no reason for you to put up with that sort of thing. Like I opened up with saying; glancing, or even a single good, solid look-see is nothing to be upset about, but staring and leering is a different ball of wax.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 June 2015):
 HiTwenty years married is a long time. You know him very well. If you have just put up with him doing these things, or if he has been getting worse or it’s irritating you more then maybe it is time for some intensive marriage counselling as I don’t expect that you want to end the relationship after 20 years. Or is it so bad that you cannot take it anymore?He certainly should be told how it is making you feel. And be given some time to work on addressing the issues that particularly upset you.Do you think a romantic holiday, just the two of you, might lift the marriage? I've worked with a large group of men over the last ten years who range in age from 28 to 74. The group has remained relatively stable over that time with employees only occasionally leaving due to a new job, a promotion or, more rarely, a retirement. However just recently three have chosen to retire, though the three oldest employees remain. The few who have been occasionally a problem have been known to leer a little, in the past, chat more often to the super attractive girls, and occasionally forget themselves and make an unguarded sexist remark. But they are finding that the workplace will no longer tolerate this. It has been drummed into everyone. I suspect that workplaces were different more than 30 years agoThe said guys are usually fairly subtle, though one, divorced thrice, is now facing the realisation that the attractive girls in their 20s just do not see a 40 something guy, in his physical condition, as boyfriend material.My experience is that leopards don't change their spots. Some get better at hiding it and some get lax and forget to hide it.But those who have consistently been gentlemen have not been influenced by the others. There were gentlemen at 18 or 25 or 30 or whenever they started work there, based on my 10 years of observing and they remain gentlemen. They don't leer, sneer, nor fear equality in the workplace. Such guys are a joy to deal with.There are good men out there. You have managed to be married for twenty years and that is an achievement. But it’s also time for some rejuvenation of the bond between the two of you. I think you deserve to be treated more kindly. If your husband is no longer finding you attractive then at least identify the things about you that he does appreciate. A good marriage counsellor could help the two of you to see where your attitudes and values do align. If he does not find you attractive then can the two of you work on establishing what each of you could contribute in small changes that could improve the relationship for both you and him? The two of you could consider what shared activities were possible to try to re-establish the link between the two of you. Maybe a project that you do together, or a journey you start –maybe not a physical journey but a reconnection with the things that brought you joy in the past when you were enjoying particular activities or places you visited together. I am not keen on telling you to leave him as you already have a 20 year bond and I hope that counselling will help both of you to learn to appreciate each other more.I hope that some good counselling can help you both to learn to enjoy a kinder, more loving and appreciative relationship where he is more accepting as a partner and who does not put you through the rubbish he has been subjecting you to. He needs to move with the times and accept that the world has changed. Some men need to be reminded multiple times that some actions are hurtful and unacceptable in 2015
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): It's time for you to take a long vacation without him.Up and just go somewhere fun with your friends for a while. If that's not possible, go out more with your friends and don't be available for any activities with him. Don't have sex with him either.Let him miss you and chase you. Remind him that you are not an old pair of shoes but a perfectly functional gorgeous pair of shoes that can function very well without him.I hate playing games in relationships. I don't use sex to blackmail my partner. But your guy has forgotten what you mean to him and words won't remind him. The fear of losing you can only remind him. And sex, well, that's a benefit of a good intimate relationship. If you don't have a good intimate relationship then how can you enjoy sex with him?If he cheats or leaves then well he's a lost cause. Has he always been like this?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): I'm young (21) but I hate it when older guys do this when they're with their wives or you know they're taken. Sorry to hear that I don't like it at all.
Have you tried talking to him about it? If he doesn't get the message after you ask him not to ogle some younger guys yourself and make it obvious, see how he feels.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2015): First off no not every man is so blatantly rude and disrespectful. We all notice attractive people of any age but we don't insult our partners about it. The fact you have told him it upsets you yet he defaults to it says he is unlikely to change and, worse, doesn't care. Maybe it's time you stopped caring what he does and get out and meet new circles of friends male and female through social groups like meetup. When you put yourself first your decision about what to do will be much easier. I would also stop humiliating yourself by having sex with a man who doesn't want to look at you. It is your right to feel loved and adored.
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