A
female
age
36-40,
*uesue2blue
writes:My boyfriend isn't my intellectual equal. We've been going out for over 2 years and I'm contemplating ending it. While he is friendly, nice, and I would like to think loyal, we have never had an intellectually stimulating conversation. NEVER. HE absolutely lacks the ability to think past a high school level and this reflects in so many things he does: he's spent the last 4 going on 5 years at a community college and has yet to earn a degree of any kind; he changed his initial major to something broader so as to be "less challenged"; he is utterly unable to grasp the simplest of concepts (it took me over 15 minutes to get him to very loosely understand a very simple psychological concept; he thinks that a C+ is a good grade; he studies for a little as possible and expects to learn through osmosis (as he clearly understands very little of the material). He wanted to get involved in computer science, but has never once expressed an interest in computers. He didn't know what the word "casual" meant and for some inexplicable reason, thinks that intelligence is indicative of how well we use our senses such as sight and smell (this was not a pun. I checked). I once loved him a lot, but I've found that this intellectual gap is causing me to slowly resent him. I've tried looking at his good side, but frankly, I come up relatively empty: he doesn't have a very good sense of humor (in the sense that he often thinks his jokes are much funnier than they actually are); he has a terrible work ethic; he has no ambitions; no special skills or hobbies (apart from playing video games); his idea of cooking almost always involves something frozen and a microwave; and we have nothing in common. He once attempted initiating "intellectual" conversation by asking what I thought about religion. That was his idea of being "smart". He has gained over 60 pounds (which I don't mind) and vows to lose it. However, he eats Chinese food every day and refuses to exercise unless it's with his friends playing basketball, something that happens once or twice a month. As I mentioned before, the weight isn't the issue. The fact that he constantly vows to do things and reliably falls short (and is comfortable in his mediocrity) is what gets me. I know this seems very mean-spirited and I apologize. I admit that I love the chase. I love the rush derived from knowing that someone likes me. Unfortunately, what usually ends up happening is that I rush into a relationship. Blinded by lust, I easily overlook the bad things which, as you see, usually comes back to bite me in the butt. So my questions are as followed: Is this relationship something I can salvage and is my resentment of my boyfriend due to this intellectual gap normal, or is it symptomatic of a deeper, idiosyncratic issue?
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 July 2012):
 It doesn't sound like this relationship is worth salvaging. Generally in terms of attractiveness, intelligence, and education being at least somewhat matched is ideal. Otherwise there will a power balance problem in the relationship. If you are constantly feeling frustrated with this, there's no way you will be able to have a comfortable relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): I've been in this exact situation before and I can tell you that while your realizations about him are not kind, they also aren't something you will magically be able to overlook from here on out. This is going to bother you for as long as you date him. No one wants to settle, but no one wants to be settled FOR either, and that's essentially what you're doing to him. I think the kindest thing to do in the long run is to let him down gently (please don't hint that he's stupid) so both of you are free to find someone more compatible. My ex and I are happier today with others than we ever were together, so what was a hard decision at the time was the right decision in the long run. Best of luck :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2012): By what you have written, you seem to think he has more cons than pros. If you are starting to resent him for his flaws rather than love him for them, I would say that it's pretty much over. We all discover some hidden traits once we become comfortable with our other half, it seems he has became comfortable with you, and the more comfortable he has become, the more uncomfortable you have become.
He can change his looks, eating habits etc but he can't change his personality.
If you are going to become angry and resentful towards him, I think the best thing would be to walk away before things get more complicated.
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