A
female
age
51-59,
*kat
writes:My husband and I have had a bad marriage the last 2 years. We've been married 14 years. He turned into a workaholic and I was lonely. I started hanging out with friends. A few were guys. He avoided me by working all the time. I developed an addiction and he put me in a sober living facility and told me I was on my own. He was also using but he could "control it" so he was the better person. I was scared out of my mind and he was very cold to me. So I started focusing on myself to get better. We would still hang out and sleep together so I thought we were working it out. One day I came to our house to get my son on the bus and there was a girl in our bed. He was a total jerk and he said she was an employee of his and didn't want to drive all the way back home. I came to the house later and found our wedding pictures put away, wine glasses, and a birthday card totheher that said the same thing he told me the first time I got a card from him. I flipped out and he was mean as hell. He said since we were separated he could do what ever he wanted. He said he wanted me to get better but when I would go over there I would find traces of drugs etc. Finally one day I found this women's underwear in our bed and I started to initiate a divorce. I found out he was on 4 different dating sites. I than became very cold to him. Then he cried and begged me to come back. I missed the man I married and went back home. He's being wonderful to me apologetic but I can't get it out of my mind that I feel betrayed. Plus if we had made an agreement to see other people than I probably would have dated someone else. I gave my life to this guy and he says I had emotional affairs with my 2 guy friends so its even. I wasn't even attracted to those guys. I don't know if this even salvagable or should I move on? I still do love him and we were always best friends.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Your hubby's algebra is very interesting. To wit:
2("emotional affairs") = (bedding some girl) + 4(being on dating sites).
Regardless.... you and he are in a dispute (based, according to him, upon his "creative" algebra) which probably has no warm and fuzzy resolution....
It sounds like the only hope you have for your own sanity is to allow the divorce to proceed, and see if you can put together something resembling "a life" in its aftermath.
As for hubby and his tears and promises.... we ALL (guys) will do most anything to keep control over our women once they discover us for who we are and for our infidelities. AND we know that the saavy ones (women) are going to dump us and go on to a better life for themselves .... (and we're ticked about this!!!!)....
Be one of the saavy ones... Good luck....
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 February 2013):
 love is not about "getting even" the fact that he says that is very upsetting for me....
if you got clean (congrats) and he is still using, it's not good for you.
I was not doing things i do now before i was with my husband... things that I should not do.... but because I am with him i do them. Being clean means staying away from potentially challenging situations that could threaten your sobriety. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your children please???
he put you in a facility and told you you were on your own?
that is not what a loving supportive spouse does....
they stand by you... they support you...
if my husband came home tonight and said "I need to quit drinking and smoking help me" I would do everything in my power to make our home a clean safe environment for him to work on his sobriety. I would even do without mouthwash in our home (as some alcoholics desperate for a fix will drink mouthwash) if it meant helping him and keeping him safe.
WHAT other than dumping you somewhere else has this man done for you?
I think it's time to end it and keep getting your life without him back on track.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Honeypie and Anon e mouse have it on the money. You have nothing to salvage of your marriage. You have your hands full with just staying clean and raising your son. You tell a very sad story, and it astounds me that you can't see where this is all going. Salvageable? Your life is salvageable. What kind of an environment are you raising your son in? Isn't he the most important thing in this whole scenario? He can see what is going on between the two of you. I can only imagine the story this poor kid would tell. I hate to criticize; but I don't think Eddie85 is looking at the whole picture. This is not a daytime soap opera. It will not work itself out with the wave of a counselor's magic wand.You have some decisions to make.This is a story of addiction, abandonment, and betrayal. The most important element, even above your own suffering, is how your son is being affected by this dysfunctional environment. As previously suggested, continue treatment to manage your addiction. Get mental health treatment to make sure you remain fit to raise your son and support the both of you.You will also have to prepare for the fight of your life. I don't think you are truly happy in your situation, and you will only make your son's life more difficult by not making the choice that is best for HIM. No one is suggesting that you and your husband cannot maintain a decent relationship outside of being married to each other.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2013):
 I think your marriage is so over. You are both holding on to the past without really working on getting BACK to that place, and I'm not sure you even CAN get back to that place.
You got clean, that is HUGE thing. You keep focusing on YOU and your son and living a good life. That doesn't look like it would contain your husband at all.
I would divorce and let it go.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (27 February 2013):
 Eddie85: "t's never over if both parties want to work on it. The question is, is he willing to accept his faults in the relationship and work to close the intimacy gap."
Sorry that is just plain ridiculous. He doesn't trust her. She doesn't trust him. There is nothing here to work with.
The REAL question is; why would either of you WANT to salvage this wreckage? You're better off without each other and finding someone else and enjoying the rest of your lives... Apart.
Seeing a therapist/counsellor won't help one bit. They can't change the past. They can't MAKE you trust each other. That trust has been well and truly broken. Maybe in the short-term it will have an effect but trust me, this so-called relationship IS over.
It's just a matter of time.
It can either be now and you can move on, or you can waste more of each others time.
Eddie85 your answer sounds like that of a counsellor. I'm sorry, You can get people to talk but you cannot bring trust back into a seriously damaged relationship like this one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2013): Although you may have worked on handling an addiction, your marriage is severely damaged. You were abandoned while you were in your weakest moments of your life. Sometimes that is necessary for some people to come to terms with an addiction, and seek treatment to save their lives and salvage their relationships with their loved ones. You were given a goal; but it was snatched out from under you, once you reached it. However; you were abandoned long before that, based on what you've written.Your husband betrayed you. You are now in a marriage of convenience and in a state of denial. Why? Because a divorce is messy and expensive. It is emotionally draining and traumatizing. You also harbor a hidden resentment because he cheated on you; and worst of all, he justified it.If he still uses, it will only be a matter of time before you will be tempted to relapse. You are in an emotional situation that is detrimental to your continued recovery and well-being. Addictions require a lifetime of effort.Seek continued addiction counseling and seriously consider a separation. You need time to heal and become a whole person again. Don't let co-dependency make the choice to stay, because it's convenient. Unprofessional advice here is not enough. You need to seek professional counseling for your mental health and your marriage; if you both wish to continue to remain bonded in marriage.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (27 February 2013):
 It's never over if both parties want to work on it. The question is, is he willing to accept his faults in the relationship and work to close the intimacy gap.
There are also some things YOU need to think about:
1) If your husband continues to use and abuse drugs or alcohol, how will that affect your sobriety? Being around that sick environment could lead you back into the throes of addiction. Your sobriety MUST ALWAYS be priority #1.
2) Can you forgive your husband? It is obvious he has cheated a few times -- that you know of. Can you get over the resentment of betrayal? Can you trust him again? Is he a man still worthy of your love and devotion? Don't expect to forget his sins overnight, as they will haunt you for some time to come. Will your fears get the best of you and tarnish any chance of rebuilding? Also has he removed himself from the dating sites and been accountable for his whereabouts?
3) Do you understand the reasons why he became a workaholic? Most guys work a lot to avoid coming home (or they are driven by the almighty dollar). It is hard to make a marriage work when the other party isn't around. Are you willing to make your home an inviting place to come home to and is your husband ready to make the appropriate changes?
Finally take some time in reflecting whether you want to risk investing more time into your relationship. You've put half of a lifetime into this... do you want to gamble with the other half?
If you do decide to try again, I would highly recommend seeing a therapist or counselor. I suspect there is a LOT more going on here than meets the eye. Your marriage didn't go south overnight and there was a reason why it crashed. A good therapist can help you work through those issues and close the intimacy gap.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (27 February 2013):
Move on. Too much damage for this relationship to be repaired. Whether you decide to move on or not right now is up to you. I'm telling you though, this relationship WILL certainly end and it will end in a big mess.
There is NO relationship without TRUST. Clearly, this isn't a relationship at all but something more likely to appear on Jerry Springer.
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