A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:So some time ago I asked whether I should stand up to my parents. I basically spoke to them and came off as diplomatic as possible on the issue of dating and seeing people. the link to my previous question: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/is-19-years-old-an-age-where-it.htmlAs a result of the convo i had with my parents, basically they raged at me and scolded me a lot. But after a while, they calmed down and admitted to being overprotective and such which I knew was true. So at the end of the convo they told me to NOT OVER-COMMIT to the guy and they've allowed me to go out with him. So i did go out with him for lunch on Saturday and everything was fine. And this Saturday, he has asked me if it's possible to accompany him to help him pick out a gift for his mum's birthday. I don't really wanna push my luck with my parents but I do wanna help him out as his brother is studying abroad and its just him back here to celebrate with his mum. SO i do wanna help him out. The problem is I still kinda feel like my parents might have all these comments ready to throw at me the moment i mention his name. I know they told me not to over-commit, which i absolutely understand. But would it be too much if I did ask if i could go out this Saturday too? Also, i believe their meaning of not over-committing is limiting myself to just seeing one guy like not to restrict myself from seeing other people too which is a fair request of my parents. if i were to go out this sat, would it be over-committing and would i be pushing my luck with my parents? any additional info, im happy to provide. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): I recall your previous posts. You are creating such a harsh perception of your parents that each paragraph is loaded with frustration and anxiety about dating. Stop that! Just cut it out!
They are your parents, not your captors. You're not being held captive by unreasonable people; or they never would have compromised. They would have simply said no, and that would have been the final word. They gave-in.
Most of this is you. You overthink things until you drive yourself into a tizzy! I doubt your parents will scream at everything you ask of them, or deny you everything you want to do. Yes, they make a big fuss. They've got a teenage daughter; old enough to get pregnant, too young to be a mother, and just started college. Now she wants to date some boy who may have only one thing on his mind. Of course, that's not what you would see. Once a teenage-girl gets a guy in her brain, there's room for nothing else. He's at the controls! Once a teenage-boy gets a girl in his brain, next comes sex!
Teenagers exaggerate and portray their parents as overbearing if they say "no;" because they think parents should give thumbs-up and a pass to everything they want to do. Permissive-parents might make great buddies; but they're lousy parents! They leave kids to make their own decisions; then have to clean-up after their mess. It's bad-parenting; because they don't teach their kids to respect parental-authority, or how to develop good wisdom and judgement. They just want to be liked. They are your parents, not your buddies!
You describe going before your parents like you're going before the monstrous Wizard of OZ, a roaring flame-tossing intimidating character in the movie; who scares the wits out of Dorothy! They love you! They only want to protect you, and they want to make sure you do your best as a student. Boys will break your heart, and throw you into despair and depression. You haven't had your heart broken yet. They dread the day.
You have to show maturity and earn their trust; by proving that you can make good decisions. Girls your age get caught-up in boys, and some go boy-crazy. That boy becomes their universe, and they lose focus. They won't study, they're constantly on the phone, or a device. They become so completely obsessed with him; until they can't think of anything else. That's what your parents are concerned about. Piling all your feelings and emotions onto nothing more than a stupid horny kid; who will manipulate you, and take advantage of these feelings. They know you, and they know your ways. They know you as a child, now show them the young woman you are becoming.
Too committed isn't exactly explaining it properly. They mean you should keep it light and not be too intense. Just reading your post, the intensity and anxiety is almost excruciating. You really need to lighten-up about dating and boys. It's no wonder your parents are so concerned!
If you ease-up and show more maturity, they'll trust you.
Just approach them all relaxed and calm. Show no fear. Tell them you've been asked to help him buy a present for his mother. Don't cower like a dog who is about to be hit with a stick! Just politely ask.
If they get hysterical, get used to it. Wait-out the storm. That's their way of keeping you alert and responsible. Making sure school is your top-priority at the moment; and that you're not just being lead around by the nose by some stupid boy. Show them that you are intelligent, and reliable. That you understand what they are concerned about. Let them see you can make wise and responsible decisions; and they will loosen their grip.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (30 May 2018):
 Yeah that’s a completely valid point on their behalf.
You’re the one in control of that and if you don’t let it happen then what’s the issue? Keep everything in moderation and you’ll be fine.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2018): Poster of this question!
I realised I made a mistake! I meant to say, they don’t want me to restrict myself to like seeing just one person.. like as in fully committing to him and not go out with other people too.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (30 May 2018):
I think you’ve misunderstand their meaning. Are you saying you think they want you to date more than 1 guy? Because that’s how I’ve read your post and I really don’t think that’s what they mean. It sounds like they don’t want you to invest all your time in this guy and neglect other things like school, friends and family.
I don’t think going to help this guy pick a gift is even close to over committing. You will know the meaning of that word when other areas of your life begin to suffer, this isn’t it.
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