A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for a long time now, about five years. We've had an awesome relationship which has been happy and intimate and very promising. She's affectionate and tender with me. We spent a lot of time together and had a lot of fun through so many experiences.What concerns me about our future, however, is her jealousy. She asks me who the girls on my facebook friends list are and why I talk to them. She looks through my phone and asks me who the female contacts are. She openly tells me she doesn't like me being nice to any non-family female and I've lost touch with not a few good friends who had the misfortune of possessing an extra x chromasone, because I know that my girlfriend didn't like me associating with them. At the funeral of my friend, one of my friends who I hadn't seen in years was there and I talked to her a bit and hugged her once, when I saw her. I could tell my girlfriend was aggrivated and she started bugging me to go early. I gave up on my salsa dancing in part, because I knew she didn't like me dancing in such a way with other women, and she wasn't interested in doing it with me, which really dissapointed me. At the time (three or four years ago) I felt it was a reasonable sacrifice for her. But I still regret it a bit (I loved to dance). The other day, she even, albeit in a cute way (could be innocent I suppose, I dunno), told me she doesn't like the idea of my sister's cat sleeping with me on my bed, because the cat is, you guessed it, female.It's all a bit much at times. She doesn't overtly harass me, but I feel like she often seems to be subtly reminding me that she is watching, and I feel like I have to confine myself 100% to associating with men only. Normally, I do. But I do talk to a few girls from time to time, and I don't want to feel like by simply talking to them, I am betraying my girlfriend. No matter how many times I tell her I love her and that she is the one for me etc... she can't seem to just let this all go. I would have attributed most of this to me being a new law student who spends a lot less time with her, as a function of feeling disconnected and a bit insecure, and that has certainly increased the frequency of these jealousy occurances.But it's always happened. The phone checking, the facebook questions, the lack of approval of me having even a couple of female friends. The only one I am allowed to have with approval is someone who I have known since I was about four, who is also the sister of my recently-passed-away close friend.Today set me off a bit. I was talking to her and casually mentioned that I had spoken with a very ill co-worker/friend (female) on the phone, because I was calling to be nice and check up on the friend and she got very upset. I reassured her I was just being a nice guy to my peers etc... and that I loved her etc (which I do), but this was not enough and I was rebuffed with her not being comfortable with me calling any coworker ourtside of work (implied: female coworker).Now I am a little upset over this. I don't feel like I did anything wrong here. I didn't go out on a date with this girl, I didn't go over to her house and bring soup and watch movies into the night with her, I didn't spend three hours talking about random stuff. I called this friend for a short phone conversation to check up on her because shes been home sick for about five days and my coworker (her boss) has been giving her grief over it. I gave her some advice on handling the work issue and expressed my concern for her health and that was it. And I told this to my girlfriend. But I was told that I shouldn't be doing this and it makes her uncomfortable. That I shouldn't be calling my coworkers off work unless it is strictly work related. You get the idea. I am told that she wouldn't do the same with male coworkers: But I don't have a problem with it.I know that me spending a lot less time with her due to school is a factor in this incident (why spend time on others when you can't spend as much on me?), but I don't like the idea of having an argument over this. I would understand if I was spending more time with someone else (individually) than her.So I have 2(3) questions...Am I blowing this out of proportion? Is this normal jealousy?If I'm not being irrational, then how do I deal with this? If I say she's being overly jealous, she'll just fly off the handle with me.
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co-worker, facebook, insecure, jealous Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): I found your question because I am a female who asks my boyfriend silly questions about what his female client's look like and say stupid things like "what if she you like her?" as if he would think he would like her more than me--it's nutty...but deep down I know it's ridiculous and nothing will happen-im just being dumb-though I can say I feel insecure often-I think mostly because we do not go on dates or do anything special on a regular basis-and partly because i feel inadequate-he is successful and I am far from that. Its not his fault-but I feel inferior at times and I have to work on it. I was actually trying to find books and articles about overcoming jealousy when I came across your question. I hope by now you have discussed this problem and are now leading a healthy life by that I mean, you should be able to keep your friends from the past and remember to include your girlfriend whenever possible. From what I have read jealousy in the mild form is healthy but when it leads to interrogation-its unhealthy. That's my big problem, interrogation and hassle. I am trying to stop this-it serves no purpose. Good luck.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): I can relate to the way your girlfriend feels. I am exactly like she is.I just don't feel a man(that is in a relationship)should be spending time thinking about other females. My husband gets very upset with me when I tell him this. He also says he loves me and all the things that husbands say when wifes get jealous. The only problem is a woman doesn't want a man to say it, she wants him to make her feel it. She doesn't feel it when he is "catering" to another woman. I don't think my husband should be cummunicating with another woman on a personal level at all. I don't think he should have any female friends. I have female friends, he can have male friends.
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A
male
reader, Mr S  +, writes (11 March 2009):
 First of all you are not alone; many people have the same trouble with a partner that demonstrates jealousy to excess.
The first thing is never be tempted to lie in order to keep the peace or side step an argument. Lies will compound the problem in ways that you cannot imagine. Whatever trust that existed will be destroyed, and you will be very lucky if your relationship survives.
Be as open and honest as you can and answer all her questions. However: you must discuses the problem with here, if she accepts that there is a problem then by open and honest communication you may be able to work things out with a little give and take from both of you.
I am a believer in communication, patience and love within a relationship. Providing you are true to each other and true to yourselves you probable will be able to work things out.
If your girlfriend continues down the road of distrust and jealousy without cause then your relationship will make you depressed and its long term future is doubtful
Talk to each other build love and trust and your relationship will grow
All the best from
Mr S
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Denny, thanks for the reply.
You are right, no reason. I haven't really given her any reason (that I know of, I suppose) to doubt my fidelty.
The only thing I could think of is my new super-focus on school (law) which has seriously sapped our "play time" together and my ability to pay attention. But she knows of this situation, so its nothing abnormal.
The cat thing, well, she tried to get cute about it, but it kinda bugged me. Like I said, maybe I'm overreacting about it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Denny, thanks for the reply.
You are right, no reason. I haven't really given her any reason (that I know of, I suppose) to doubt my fidelty.
The only thing I could think of is my new super-focus on school (law) which has seriously sapped our "play time" together and my ability to pay attention. But she knows of this situation, so its nothing abnormal.
The cat thing, well, she tried to get cute about it, but it kinda bugged me. Like I said, maybe I'm overreacting about it.
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A
male
reader, artian +, writes (11 March 2009):
 well, I think it normal to be jealous of a partner from time to time. If, However, it becomes an obsession it becomes very difficult.
Firstly I would ask myself: Do I really love her and am I showing that commitment, passion, and intimacy.
If I was not then I would have some fault if I knew she believed I loved her and I knew she loved me.
Secondly, I would ask myself if I had told white lies as an easy route to avoid her jealousy. It is important not to do this as your body language will give off negative signals and fuel the jealousy.
Also, when the jealousy arises do not rise to it as again the is fuel to the fire. If you find that you are constantly re-assuring her, that is her addiction, and that is what she is looking for.
Hope this is a help,
Good luck.
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